|God has his hand on everything, we are never alone. find safety in his arms as he watches over us, sometimes the only way out, is through...|
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!!!!! LET US ALL REALIZE HOW BLESSED WE ARE TO HAVE THE PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES THAT WE LOVE, AND NOT FOCUS ON THE MATERIAL THINGS WE SURROUND OURSELVES WITH. NOTHING REALLY MATTERS EXCEPT LOVE.... LOVE TO OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, AND LOVE TO OURSELVES. I HOPE EACH OF YOU HAVE A PEACEFUL, LOVE FILLED DAY.
GOD BLESS US ALL...
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
PS.. DON'T EAT TOO MUCH GRAVY, OR YOU'LL HAVE THE SHITOLA'S..
SHITTIN ON THE RITZ...
I have been doing my best to keep my chins up during this difficult time of my life. Not only am I battling financial and health issues, but family issues as well. It is SO hard to keep hold of the thread I am hanging by, and it's startin' to leave a blister... and I am truly sorry for repeating the same broken record over and over again but this is my life at the moment. And I will share my joys with you. I too want better, more positive updates and things to share, I am sick of hearing about me, too. At least you get to leave, I am STUCK with me all the freeking time. Should we, erm, form a group.. OK, name suggestions; "Broke as a cowboy's back on a mountain" or "How Stella got her cooties back" or "Star trick... watch whores in space sell their goods" or my fave, "May the farts be with you."
Stop trying to get me off track here. I have to pee, ya know.
Today I went to cardiac rehab and discovered next Friday is my last session. I do not feel like I am ready to leave mama birds' nest, yet. When she pushes me out to fly, (first, I'm gonna flip her off) then I'm gonna drop head first, dead weight like an anvil, shatting myself on the way down, trying desperately to flap me wings knowing damn well they have neuropathy, but landing like a thud on the ground and going up in smoke. All that will be left will be me clean underwears I put on that morning... (aside from the shat) but the joke will be on YOU cuz I wont wear any that morning... hah HAH! I'd like to leave you with a nice smile... a comforting memory of what once was MOI..
Seriously, I'm about as ready as I will ever be but I don't feel like I completed my program, as I had several obstacles (rhymes with testicles) to over come which set me back. Does that mean I'm a hollah back gurl?
I guess not... cuz I don't wanna be no hollah back gurl...
One good thing I have been doing for myself (well, aside from that..) is taking meself on picanics. (pronounced like Yogi bear would). Yep I pack up a Sammie (or a Jerry or a Bertha) and a fruit, (an Ellen or a Wanda), a drink, and go park somewhere busy where I can see peoples of all kinds going about their bidness... ya know, like Wal-Mart parking lots (makes me wish I'd brought me camera) or the grocery store (tryin' to make out what foods they bought through the sacks (not ball sacks, them plastic ones) and ponder to meself what kind of evening they have in store for the fam... I must say though, that the mind is a terrible thing to waste, and that's about all I'm a doin' there... wasting my mind.
Ah, que sera, sera... WTF and all that jazz... if there is nothing productive to be doing with your mind at the moment ya mize well toss it into a crowd and see what happens.
Speaking of sex, driving by McDonalds today I saw 2 homeless men dressed in layers of rags cuz it was brrrr cold, (bless them) puffing on ciggy butts, sitting on the ice cold ground right in front of the restaurant winders, havin' themselves a lil picanic! They had their foods laid out betwixxed them. I'd of joined them but I already ate mine. I felt sorry for them and prayed for them, knowing darn well that could be me in the near future. 'Cept I'm not a smoker AND I don't eat fast foods no mo'.
But I DO still enjoy going through the drive-thru and when that lil voice comes outta the box... "welcome to Micky D's, would you like to try our new blah blah dee blah, with bacon and a chocha-mocha-latte? So I say "umm, I don't know what I want yet..." they reply, "take your time, & order when you're ready.."
I will. Then I hymn and I haw awhile and then whenst I feel their frustration coming through the speaker, (after they've said 12 times, ma'am, order when you're ready) I say, "erm, I tthhiinkkk I'll erm, haaave a... no, I'll take aaa.... wait. I don't want that neither.. What comes on the triple cheeseburger? Could I get that as a double, without cheese..? And without the bacon, no pickle... with extra onions please? "
After it's all totaled up I say "Uh, never mind, Can I just get a large water with lots of ice, please?"
You KNOW someone prolly spits in it cuz I'm a bitch, cute, but still a bitch... so that's why I always drop it right in front of them just outside my car door as they hand it to me, "Whoopsies, my BAD", just so's I can watch them make me a fresh one. Works every time.. It gives me something to do. So what if they give me a dirty look as the line piles up behind me and I've wasted a few minutes of their precious time... it's MY life and I'll do what I want. They aren't da boss a' me.
And I try to hit a different drive-thru when I can, just for variety.. some days it's bugger-king, or farbies, or taco-hell.. cuz that's how I roll.. spread the LERVE, peeps... spread the lerve.
I guess that's enough of my bullshit for one sitting. I am making hoe-made pizza for my supper tonight. On NAAN bread, I must say.
I'm a hoe and I'm a makin' it!
Easy peasy, and very cheesy.
(FYI; no foods or brains, not even patrons of wally world, were injured in the writing of THEE above scenario. All characters are made up, by me, for shits and giggles.)
...As I lay in bed at night, the mechanical valve in my heart beats strong and loud as if to comfort me that although I am in pain every day, it's going to keep on beating no matter what. Sometimes I can hear it, and sometimes I can lay my hand on my chest and feel the faintest vibration of life. MY life. I contemplate why I am still here. I've lost just about everything I once had, and realize sometimes that has to happen to make way for new things that will be brought to me. Other times I get frustrated and impatient wanting to know what my future holds NOW. I've never been good with change, because in the past change always meant a painful thing for me. This time I really have no choice in the matter, as everything that has happened to me this year, has not been in my control.
The past 4 nights I have had the same dream, about Diane being here but I am unable to reach her, and she is with another woman. I wake up with my heart racing and beating so loud it feels like my chest might explode, and I also wake up crying. Then the feeling of the dream haunts me all day long. I have slowly learned to accept that she doesn't love me anymore, this past year. And I feel I have gotten to a place where I am usually at peace with it, for the most part. But every now and then, my dreams hurt me as they know my deepest most painful thoughts. Her and I don't speak, and it's better that way, but I cannot honestly say I am completely over her. It takes a long time to let go of something that I loved so deeply, I can only do little increments at a time. I also cant believe I am in the situation I am in, with my health and finances, having no job makes me feel like I have no purpose. It is an awful, helpless feeling to have no money in my wallet, and no hope of any coming in, and having to rely on my one son to buy food for me. It breaks my heart. In my mind I am still a younger version of myself, and so that's how I perceive every day. It's only when I go to do things I was able to do before, that I find I can no longer do, such as sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing the shower.... going for a walk, going up and down stairs. I still do the cleaning, however it takes me all day to do one chore and I am in a lot of pain after. No one helps me with these things and I can see myself becoming more incapacitated as time goes on. It's like I'm standing next to myself, watching this person whom I've become, falter, get weaker, trip over her own feet, and finding less and less joy in life. I don't know what will become of me. I feel like I have done everything in my power to help myself but it's not enough. A friend of mine Angie, whom I used to work with in labor and delivery, paid 2 months electric bill for me, and then sent a beautiful card with gift cards enclosed, such as dining ones, Target and other stores, and 3 movie passes with coupons for poopcorn and a drink too. I was so lonely tonight, I really needed to feel the comfort of family so I called my sister who lives here, and asked her if she wanted to go with. I also asked if my niece wanted to go, too. My sister said "you have no money, how you going to go"? I told her about the 3 movie passes from my dear friend and she said "so are you going to treat me and my daughter, then?" I couldn't believe she said that! I said I would LOVE to treat you to a movie if I was working and had money, but these were a gift to me and I want to make them last. She got mad and quickly ended the call. WTF, I thought... I have absolutely nothing, and she had the nerve to ask me to share some gifts I received when she has a two income family and a lot of money, they live well but she refuses to help me by claiming she is broke. I am BROKE. She has no clue to the meaning. I was so hurt, it made me cry. And because I have a tender heart, I then felt guilty for not giving them to her, so I didn't go. Who would take their sister's last few crumbs like that... So tonight has been rough for me, I watched some TV and cried, feeling sorry for myself because she is not supportive at all. The social worker I see at my doctors office told me last week that the office staff likes to name some patients who have had a rough year, and give them presents and a gift basket. One of those will be me. I was SO touched. When I told my sister about it, not to brag, but because it touched me... her comments were all negative, she said "well that's stupid, why don't they give you food or pay your bills, no one ever does that for me." She couldn't even say it was a nice gesture or be happy for me. It's just unbelievable to me. If the situation were reversed, I would be putting my family member first, and do everything in my power to help them. I'm just SO fed up... and now I am having pain in my chest, if it gets worse I will have to go to the ER.
Did anyone know stress KILLS...?
Just wanted to let you know that due to the generosity and kindness of some of you, I was able to pay my rent and another bill for October. I am awaiting a miracle, as there have been many in my life...
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I have to believe it will be good, no matter what, because I know God has his hand on it.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers, my peeps. It means a lot.
I found this show on mTV called "couples therapy." I actually stayed up until 2:00 am watching it and it brought up feelings in me that I need to get out. It made me cry because I could relate on so many levels.
A 13 year old boy made a YouTube video, his name is Jonah Mowry, which can be viewed hErE. He wanted to end his life because ever since he began school, he has been bullied, beat up, called names, and was a self-cutter beginning in the second grade. THE SECOND GRADE! Do any of you have a child or grandchild that age? I would KILL anyone who hurt my child, but his parents didn't know about it. He endured for years in his silence.
He is gay.
When he finally came out to his parents, they were very supportive and he somehow found the courage and strength to make the video, and take a stand that he DID belong in this world, that he WAS here for a reason, because he was so afraid to go back to school. And the reason he made the video is purely to give hope and support to others who are in similar situations. It is really worth watching.
What it stirred up in me is pain, anger, and frustration that each generation seems to learn nothing from the previous one. Pain because I was bullied in my youth and through high school, even a few years here and there as an adult. I always had a hard time saying what I wanted to say, in my own defense at the time I should have said it.
I am angry that this behavior goes so far back in history, as humans we have come so far, yet this is STILL allowed to happen to our children. It doesn't even matter what the reason for the bullying is, whether it be because you are gay, a different color, poor, fat, short, tall, just different... and sometimes there isn't ANY reason at all. There are a million scenarios and reasons.
Yet, as victims we ALL end up in the same place emotionally. Physical scars may heal but words can be remembered forever and their scars go much deeper than the skin.
They go to the heart and soul of the person, and destroy a part of them that may never be able to be fixed or healed. It annihilates their self worth and purpose for being here. In my youth I was made to feel like I was SO ugly, bad, unworthy, and insignificant (by my own family and kids at school) that I didn't even see myself as part of the human race. I felt like I was way below that value and I let people treat me badly without standing up for myself out of fear. Fear of what? I've yet to figure that out.. I STILL to this day have difficulty telling one of my family members how I'm made to feel when certain things are said.
My point in all of this ranting is that we must ALL work together to stop the bullying because in many cases, our young kids are taking their own lives as a way out of the pain inflicted upon them. I have ventured into that darkness a few times myself at different points in my life, and I thank God that I am a coward and didn't attempt it. But once that place is visited as the "only way out" it remains a place that is visited when ever life makes one feel like there is NO HOPE... like being locked in a room without windows or doors... it's a very helpless situation to be in.
If one loses ALL hope that life will get better, and that they DESERVE it to be... what's the point in staying? I personally have been through a lot in my life and I am still here, but only by the grace of God. This boy Jonah is very inspiring even if it is difficult to watch. I think all of us on some level, can relate to his suffering.
What can I say to those of you who care enough to help me during this terrible time in my life... I am humbled beyond words and if you could feel the new hope you have instilled in me, then you would know how much you have touched my heart. I have never been this desperate, hopeless, or helpless before in my life, and let me assure you I have lived through some very tough times... but none such as now, when all my resources are gone, and I couldn't picture my future turning out in any kind of positive way... I couldn't picture it at all. Philip, I don't know you but thank you SO much for your generosity, I can tell you have a kind heart and I hope your life is filled with all the love you deserve. Greg, Clippie, Sheila, & Suz- you have been there for me all along, as well as many others in blog land, and I have always appreciated your kinds words of encouragement and support. I send HUGE cyber hugs to you all and I will keep you updated!
I feel like I am finished. I have no job, no prospect of one, and I'm about to lose my place of safety & security.... my apt. as I have no money for rent. I still haven't been released to work because I keep having one medical problem after another. It's a never ending story, ya know... like the movie. I can't move to Jo's right now because of my medical issues, all my Doctors are here, and the med center is carrying me for free for a whole year, financially. Well I guess they'll write it off. You can't even imagine how high my medical bills are just since April. I had a cat scan Friday on my abdomen for some painful lumps I found, at first they thought it could be a hernia so I had an ultra sound, but it's not. Turns out the lumps look like enlarged lymph nodes, which is uncommon in the lower abdomen. I am hoping to get results Monday. I haven't been blogging because I feel like I have nothing happy or good to share right now. I'm still going to cardiac rehab 3 times a week, but with the weather changing, my fibromyalgia has been extremely painful. And I'm very unbalanced when I walk, I stumble, trip, and fall a lot. My cane has become my best friend. I was denied social security disability because they state I am not "sick enough" nor legally blind. I have been contemplating poking my eyes out but the thought of eyeballs rolling on my cheeks really freaks me the fuck out... and I just got new glasses. I am appealing it. Having NO income whatsoever for months now, really makes me feel helpless AND hopeless. I just can't believe the position I am in at this time of my life. My nursing license comes due in October, I'm afraid I can't renew it as I haven't worked enough hours or acquired any CEU's that nurse's need to renew... plus I don't have the money for it anyways. If I lose that, then I will truly have nothing... it's all I know as far as work goes. I sacrificed and worked SO hard to get my BSN, the thought of losing it breaks my spirit. I am trying to hang onto my faith, but it's very difficult in my situation. At this point I can't EVEN imagine how my life can turn around, I see no way for it to, I have lost my hope almost completely. I often wonder why I didn't die during my open heart surgery because I came close, and then a little voice somewhere deep in my head where no man has dared to go, tells me God isn't finished with me yet. But what does that really mean? Are more hardships going to befall upon me until there is literally none of me left? I can't figure it out and I don't have the answer.
YES! I am still a blogger. Been having bleeding issues with my nose due to the Coumadin I have to be on. Also, have been keeping to myself lately, thinking of what to do for my future, and applying for jobs.
My voice has not been right since the heart surgery, I attribute it to being intubated for 3 days after the surgery, but kept fully awake. I was too ill for them to put me out. At one point there were 3 tubes down my throat. It was the most horrible thing I have ever lived through. At first, I had no voice. Certain days it vacillates from a whisper to raspy, and everything in between except for normal. As some of you know, my voice has become my work, meaning since I can no longer do floor nursing, I have to resort to a desk job, using my voice as a triage nurse. I am going to see an ENT doctor to see if my vocal chords are damaged or what the deal is.
There is also some family drama taking place which I will omit the details, however I can say that my heart is broken over it. I have tried everything in my power to fix this ongoing problem, to no avail. I place it in God's hands, as I do all my problems and gratitude.
I have been feasting on the fresh fruits of summer, raspberries, blueberries, cantaloupe, peaches, plums, etc... My taste buds are still off and I am still waiting for them to get back to normal. I can't seem to eat anything with a red sauce, not even pizza, and a bunch of other foods as well. What I really miss though, is having a place to grill out.
Wish I had a balcony, at least. My last home had everything I wanted, a fenced in yard, pool, fire pit... I enjoyed living there for 4 years. All good things eventually come to an end, but at least I had what I consider paradise for awhile.
My bowl of Greek blueberry yogurt with fresh blueberries mixed in, awaits me.
...It's been awhile since I last posted. I have had another little setback in my recovery. Due to my mechanical aortic valve, I have to be on a blood thinner called Coumadin, for the rest of my life. I hate that I have to be on it because it has been difficult to control my clotting levels. Last week I had to go to the ER three times in a row due to hemorrhaging from my nose. I couldn't get it to stop, it would just occur spontaneously. The third night I went to the ER, they admitted me and I had to get 2 units of blood, as my HGB dropped to 7 during those 3 days of bleeding. I was very short of breath, weak, and fatigued. And then I lost it emotionally for a good hour I would say. Crying just made it worse but I couldn't help it. I have had enough, I have had one complication after another since the heart surgery and I am fed up, at the end of my rope, and just want to be well. So back I was in the hospital, an ENT specialist came in and tried cauterizing the "bleeder" in my nose. That didn't work so he ended up packing one nostril with what I can only describe as a nail file sized emery board, that was hard but then like a tampon absorbed the blood and swelled up. It hurt SO much when he put that in. I had to leave that shit in for 4 days, it was not fun. It's out now and so far no bleeding. The Dr. said if it starts again he will have to do surgery and see WTF is going on in my sinuses.
On top of that, I had to miss my 3 sessions of cardiac rehab last week because of the bleeding problem, so tomorrow I go and attempt it again.
I don't know if I told you that I had an interview last Wednesday for a position at the poison control center here in Omaha. I think the manager liked me, she said I asked some really good questions, but I failed the math test. I have never been good at conversions, ratios, and percentages. BUT she asked me if I could be there Tuesday to spend a few hours observing someone handle the phones to see what I thought of it. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that if I am meant to go there next, then it will fall into place for me. And just before that, I am to meet with my present manager at the call center for my annual performance review. He has a letter of recommendation to give me for future applications. So far, I haven't found any other positions to apply for that I am able to do... but I will keep looking.
My kids are so busy with their lives it seems, that I just don't get to see them often. It makes it lonely on me, but that's the way it is. I have been crocheting a throw for my couch, I am about half done. It gives me something to do, specially on a bad day when I don't get around too much. I cant go anywhere without my cane, but that's a good thing because I don't need the walker any longer. As George Jefferson would say, "I'm movin' on up..."
My rent $600.00 is due this week, and I have no idea where money will come from. I haven't had any income since May, nothing, nada, zzzzzip. I have applied for social services and social security. I was turned down by unemployment because I am still not released to work. That disqualified me. There are people who milk the system and are able to work, they just don't want to, yet they get all the benefits. I really need help right now and don't qualify. I don't get it. I have asked everyone in my family for some help, apart from my kids, who have made sure I have food, & electricity, and a phone... no one can help me. All I need to do is make it through August and I'm sure I'll either get a job or get set up with aid. I'd really like to complain that my life sucks right now, well, this whole year has been the worst of my life... but I am taking one day at a time and keeping faith that God has a plan for me. There are days when it's really hard to hang onto that, but I do my best to "act as if."
When it all boils down to the bottom line, and everything has been taken away... I am alone. We are ALL alone. Lovers and friends come and go, kids grow up and don't need me any more and I am left to look at my life, what I have accomplished, and the reality slaps me in the face that it IS just me, now. And I have to decide that I am enough, that I can be happy alone, and that life is worth living just for my own enjoyment. I nearly died when I had my heart surgery. I am thankful to still be here, and for what I have. It may not be much but it's mine. So what if I only have 4 dollars to my name, at least I am not totally broke!
(all images borrowed courtesy of Facebook & photo bucket)
Here it is Tuesday morning, but you knew that didn't ya.... I have 2 Dr. appointments today and hopefully I will hear something from all the applications I have sent in for various things. I spoke to a gal in HR yesterday to find out the one that would interview me for one of the 3 jobs I applied for, won't be back in town until next Wednesday, the 25th. I explained my time sensitive situation which is my last day with the hospital will be the 27th, if I don't take a position. I'm concerned my time will run out before I am offered another position. She said that wouldn't be a problem, but I'm not so confident. Fool me once, good on you.... fool me twice, bad on me.... but try to fool me three times and, well, erm, you just might succeed there too.
My sister who lives here is leaving on vaycay tomorrow to spend some time with Jo, our youngest sister in North Carolina, I wish I was going too. We haven't been speaking because frankly I went off on her over some things. Maybe I jumped the gun, maybe I am too demanding, or maybe I am just so scared right now that I have lost my mind. She sent me an email which I got last night telling me I hurt her but she didn't want to leave with us not speaking. She took no responsibility for any of the things I said to her, right or wrong, and still insists she is unable to help me financially. Consequently, I am letting go of all the palaver and have come to the conclusion we will never get along, that is the way it is. It's sad, as when she is in a good mood, we have had a lot of fun together. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen often. Then our brother, her twin, called me last night and basically just cried on the phone with me. He went through a triple bypass 4-5 years ago and was very encouraging. He didn't have the setbacks or difficulties I did, and he never got as deconditioned as I am right now. I wish all my siblings lived within close proximity of each other and that we could all get along. We couldn't get along as young kids because our mother promoted jealousies, fighting, and such between us. Some of those issues are so deeply ingrained they are the cause for nearly all of our battles today. Isn't that sad, though? Parts of us that never healed or "grew up" can carry so much power still.
The weather around these parts has been hot and steamy for the past week, climbing over 100 degrees on several occasions. And you know how the weather people always say, it's 100 out there, but it "feels" like 110? There're all liars because it feels more like 210! Eyyyyy mo. And, I MISS ME POOL! Don't know if I shared this with you or not, but if all of my efforts to get back on my feet again, fail... Jo and her husband want me to come live permanently with them on the east coast. The only thing that holds me back is I would need to be accepted for disability so I would have a little income of my own, and I don't really want to leave my kids and grandson. Family is so important to me, but there may come a time when I have to do what I have to do, regardless. I would like to live my last years in peace, with out struggling every. single. bit. of the way. My health situation right now is really impairing my abilities to do more to help myself, and I don't know how much health I will regain when it's all said and done. I may not be able to tolerate working, I don't know. All I DO know is I am putting in a 200% effort to attain that goal. I have been home for a little over 3 weeks and the cardiac rehab nurse tells me I WILL get stronger and improve... I still feel weak, still get out of breath with exertion, yet all of my labs and tests are within normal ranges. So I will give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she is right. I am still young, I don't want to give in to disability yet, I'd love to go back to work and make enough money to travel, and do things for my kids, but in the back of my mind my dreams are slowly fading into the unknown. And I don't like who I am becoming because of my situation. There are times when I feel bitter and resentful for the crap I have been through and the way my life is turning out and I want to just scream enough is enough! I didn't know better, years ago, to assure myself of security for the second half of my life. It was just something so foreign to me, and it would be so easy to say "no one taught me the ways" but I COULD have researched such things and didn't. Bad on me. We grew up poor and on welfare, ma never worked or educated herself... and I didn't even realize the impact of that until I put myself through college after the divorce. I lived with things the way they were for so long, I became immune to their impact or lack of impact in my life. IRS's? CD's? Investments? I didn't know or understand what those were for most of my life. I've never even been good at saving money and I think for me its due to never having had enough, so when it's available, I am like a starving child and cant think straight enough to not gobble down the whole meal in one sitting rather than proportion it out to last longer. Yep, that's exactly how I am. Its hard to teach an old dog, new tricks... and that's me. So many times in my life I have had to "start over" and I have to wonder if there ever comes a point when everything is good, enough, and satisfying. Does there ever come a time when struggles decrease to a manageable level, or is it going to be difficult for me until it's over? Is there a vitamin one can take for that? I don't have answers to my own questions and don't expect anyone else to, either. I may sound so pessimistic these last few years, but that's not the me I used to be. there was a time when David lost his job, and we lived in our car with all of our belongings for over a week whilst we looked for work. And I turned to him one day, as we were both in despair, and said "cheer up, at least we each have nice t-shirts so we didn't look like homeless bums even if we sort of were. We broke out laughing hysterically until we cried, and he said he could always count on my optimism to get us through. I'm also the girl that swore if I was ever caught in the bath tub and there was fire or bad weather, I'd run out to safety nekked if I had to with out a care in the world. BUT that wash cloth would be covering up my face so no one would see who that nekked, fat girl, was. Humor is what got me through so many times, that's the real me, where did she go? When a lot of bad things things happen to people, its easy to spiral into the negative side and not be able to pull yourself out. I think that after a lifetime of fighting to stay optimistic, for myself and for the sake of everyone else, I became worn out and here I am stuck in a pessimistic state of mind. I have to ask myself if the reason I cant seem to kick my own ass out of it, is because its too familiar to me? Would I be uncomfortable if things went well for me, for a change? For the longest time I didn't even believe I deserved good things and now over the years I have come to believe I do, but where is it? Am I my own sabba-tore dirty whore? Well, I'll have to think about that.
I think I have run out of thoughts to write about, tonight... time for bed.
I do not like the person I have become, recently. I am filled with desperateness and fear about my future and can't seem to grasp on to the faith that has carried me this far. I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. Those of you who know me are aware that I have just lived through the shittiest year I have ever had. So many losses, too many changes and I'm supposed to take it all in stride... "You've lived through worse, it'll work out..." But it's just getting worse, not better. No matter what I try to do to help myself, it just seems to dig the hole I am in, even deeper. I don't know where to turn any more.
My job has been eliminated and the excuse they gave is "cutbacks." Yet found out today that I am the only nurse who was let go. The rest of the bunch were operators. All of the medical crap I have been through, still isn't over. I started cardiac rehab yesterday and was told I am so deconditioned that it will take longer for me to build my stamina, and strength... possibly an additional 3 months. So I cant even apply for other positions as I am unable to work at this time. No one's going to hold a position for me that long. Got a call from the poison center today, offering me a $9.00 per hour cut to do secretarial work. It was such a slap in the face. It wouldn't even be enough for me to live on. I am in process of applying for unemployment and disability, however we all know how long that takes.
I'm drowning in my own financial ruins, and there isn't anyone throwing me a life line. I am SO close to losing my beautiful apt. and my car. I will not have health ins. in another 10 days. I really need it right now.
The irony is I was just starting to be happy... I was slowly but surely getting there and was proud of myself for being able to do so. It seems through out my whole life, when ever I have truly been happy, a punishment is always waiting around the corner. If I had a good day in my youth, laughed a lot with friends, it was a sure bet that later that night I'd get the belt from my mother for no reason at all. When that occurs consistently time and time again, it tends to make you believe that if you have too much fun or feel too happy, you will be punished for it. And I am feeling like that again now, which I thought I dealt with in therapy years ago. It took years for me to convince myself that I deserved good things and to feel happiness, without having a consequence. It's funny how some things are just right there in the shadows, ready to pounce on you in a vulnerable moment.
I was always under the belief that when a family member fell into a crisis, everyone would come together to help them until they were back on their feet. My kids have done what they could, but their resources are limited and I feel like a piece of crap taking help from them.
I cry every. single. day. that I am this situation. I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I have reached a point with out hope that things will work out. I am not supposed to be under this kind of stress, it just can't be good for my heart. I apologize that this post is so dark, but it's how I feel tonight, it's my reality. Please keep me in your prayers.
My kids are grown. All grown up, I mean. I don't think there is any one thing more eye opening for a parent, than that. Because my husband and I waited SO long to be parents (11 years), we KNEW what we wanted and we knew if it was meant to be, it would happen. After two miscarriages, all the sad feelings have been dealt with years ago, for me personally. However my dreams came true when we were blessed enough to adopt our two oldest. I think, because of the threat of never experiencing parenthood, and the amount of time we waited to do so, both of us knew that if a child ever became ours, we would cherish every single day. Coming from a large family, we knew the perils of taking time for granted when it came to our nieces and nephews, and we gaged the kind of parenting we wanting to embrace, by their mistakes, good deeds, and what we would never do if it were our child.
Life in the first 5 years after becoming parents to two, were THE most magical and wonderful moments of my life and I think I can safely state, David's as well. I used to rock my oldest to sleep every single night or before nap times, and kiss his sweet cheeks over and over, whispering my love.. It never spoiled him. I did the same when my daughter arrived, too.
I can still remember closing my eyes and truly cherishing the moments, not just those, but all of them we spent together. All the little intimacies formed by ER trips in the middle of the night, the fears of storms, being there when a bad dream occurred, all of the kind of moments only parents can experience with their child, and it bonds you together.
David would call several times throughout the day to see how they were doing. And saying hello to them when he got home from work, was the first thing he did. Day in, day out, for 5 years. Those 2 kiddies could not of had a better daddy, than he was. We both poured years of going without, into our gratitude and appreciation for having them. I don't mean to imply we showered them with toys and this and that, I am talking about TIME.
Time spent listening, playing with, and truly enjoying them. But always in the back of my mind during those years, was the thought that they would grow up and one day, every thing would change. All I can say tonight is that it all went by too fast. It felt good to be needed when they were young, and to do things our way, no matter what. Nothing was cozier than to get in bed at night knowing they were safely tucked in, happy, and content, or having family movie nights, looking forward to waking up to them the next morning. We would stand over them and watch them sleep, many a time. We'd kiss their sweet cheeks as they slept, on top of all the kisses they received during the day. Each day, I was constantly amazed at how wonderful it was to "grow my kids." I can definitely say that once the threat of having to go without, hits you... it makes you appreciate what you DO get, even more. We were so determined to treat them differently than our own parents treated us, because it wasn't good. And we were doing it.
The following are a few of my favorite photos of them during those young years. They bring tears to my eyes every time I look at them. What can I say, they were and still are the joy of my life.-
(Nicholas, 13 months old)
(Emily, nearly 2 years old)
I was blessed with 4 kids in total, the last two I gave birth to. But for the purpose of this post not turning into a novel, I have chosen to reflect on the two that had both parents and knew what that entailed. The oldest two and younger two's experiences differ for that reason.
Back to the present, I repeat, my kids are all grown up. Long gone are the little ways in which they needed me, clung to me, depended on me for everything. The smiles, the tears, the comforting of and making them feel safe, & hearing their laughter. Nothing was more satisfying than to know I made a difference in their every day lives, as they did in mine.
But as life goes, all good things eventually come to an end. I am still their mother and always will be, but they don't need me or want my advice the way they used to. It was very difficult for me to let go of each one as they came of age. I realized that I did what I could in the developmental years, in the ways of teaching them good morel ethics and values. But no matter how much that is true, they will still turn out to be independent adults with their own ways of doing things, their own opinions, and all I can do is hope and pray when it boils down to the nitty gritty, their early instilled values will guide them. To remember that their basic foundation was the basis for who they turn out to be, gives me comfort that they will be alright.
Although they may occasionally need me for different things, and occasionally seek my opinion or advice, they don't always take it and I have to remember I didn't fail them, they have just grown up to be their own person with their own ideas and wants and needs. Of course, I have always looked back in retrospect and harshly scrutinized my parenting now that I know more and have more wisdom & life experience. But parents usually do what they think is right and best at the time, it doesn't have to mean it was wrong.
And even if I could go back and do it differently, it would somehow change who they have become, either because of my decisions or in spite of my decisions. They just wouldn't be who they are today. I am so proud of each one of them, because they have each had their struggles as everyone does, but they some how find the strength to get through them, as I have.
"I did good, Charlie Brown..."
Unfortunately, our youngest two boys never knew or experienced "life with father". They missed out on what their older siblings received within our love as a couple.. It makes me very sad, always has, but then again if their dad had changed so much by the time they came around, maybe it's all for the best as they would have only gotten hurt in the de-fragmentation of our marriage. I must hold on to "everything happens for a reason, and good can come out of anything, if you look for it."
Time goes by SO fast, it's gone in the blink of an eye. Cherish the moments you have today, because those little moments will soon add up to a lifetime.
It's late Friday night as I lay in my bed, and I can see part of the neighborhood and the people who live across the street. I felt the need to write and got up. I find it comforting to know there are people sitting out on their stoop, socializing in a quiet way. Out back of my building, is full of little kinda run down houses but many families with lots of kids, live in them. Everyone seems to know each other on that block, and most are of Hispanic origin. Every weekend and on Friday nights, they take turns gathering at each other's houses, cook out, eat together, and the kiddies play under the sprinkler or ride their little bikes. They like to set up tables, piñata's, toys for the kids, and I must say that even though I no longer eat much meat, the smell of their food is always enticing. Every time I come and go, I see them. We say hi to each other from a distance, or just wave or nod. Basically, just acknowledging each other's presence as a part of the 'hood. Geez that makes me sound like an old person.... as I know for a fact they cannot all understand or speak English very well. But that's ok with me, just knowing they are there brings me a small sense of community. Both men and women work as vendors, pushing little carts with fried pork skins in bags, hanging from the tops. And I just know their carts are filled with all the goodies their culture likes, and I also know everything is authentic & home made. Ever eat from a taco truck? I like that ambition to make a little extra money. At my house before I moved here, we did not really interact with our neighbors, and it felt isolating. I'm the kind of person who likes to know I am not alone in my area when bad weather strikes, or the power goes out etc... But here, I can rest easier knowing families surround me, even if I don't know them, I know they are there. In the distance, people are still shooting off their fireworks, probably bought too many, and here it is nearly 3 days out from the holiday. I could see some from my windows, I've always loved watching fire works and now that my kids are grown, I'm just not into that any more. This too, brought me comfort knowing the delight these neighborhood kids must have felt. It's a small break filled with awe and fun for them, as many live without air conditioning, and probably don't get the child hoods they should due to low incomes and such. Since my daughter is of Hispanic origin I gladly embrace their culture and enjoy observing how closely knit as a people they are. I also embrace all ethnic cultures as each one is different, but yet all the same. We are all just one people, trying to live in peace and acceptance. We all do the best we can with what we have. I know there are always exceptions and bad people ARE out there. I am just thankful I don't see much of that, here. But I am not naïve enough to think crime isn't everywhere, because unfortunately it is. Wealth or poverty, color of skin and race, are the factors that give each culture a really bad name. If my arms were big enough, I would hug every last one of them in appreciation for where they have come from and who they are evolving to be. There's too much pain and sorrow in our past for some cultures, that should have never been allowed to happen. Although I was raised in a very judgmental family, and our village consisted of only white people, I have always wept in my soul for the tortured and injustice that mankind has done to each other. It makes me sad that it still goes on today. Some where on this planet, people and animals alike are being tortured needlessly, and there is nothing I can do about it, but pray. Unfortunately, c'est la vie in this world. So as I stated earlier, I had all these thoughts running through my head and couldn't lay still long enough to fall asleep. It's a hot, sultry night here in the Midwest, 111 degrees was the high today, and at 11:27 it is still 90 degrees. God bless those without air conditioning, and the homeless. How in the world do they survive every year? I count myself very blessed to have the smallest of amenities for my personal comfort.
My sister has a little pool, it's an old plastic horse tank some one gave her. It's 14 ft. x 4 ft., and I have been enjoying being in it all this past week. I can't be in the sun long, due to some of my medications, but it gets shaded towards mid afternoon. I miss my pool we had at the house, SO much and this too helps me deal with the longing I have always had to be in water... after all, I AM a Scorpio. It's me nature. As far as an update on my health, I have been released to drive myself, which takes the stress of feeling like a burden to my kids, who have done what they could to help me, driving Miss Daisy all over town... However, since that release to drive, I no longer qualify for home health, or OT/PT in my home. I am looking forward to next week as I am finally ready for cardiac rehab, which will hopefully increase my stamina, endurance, and such. Since I have been home two weeks today, I have been very weak, very fatigued, and can't do too much or I feel as though I will collapse. I alternate using a walker, and my cane, every where I go, except in the apt. Here, I can hold on to furniture if needed as it is a small studio apt. I went to Wal-Mart the other day to get scripts and groceries, and I am not ashamed to say that I use the electric handy crapped scooters they have, as I cant walk a lot yet. That particular wally world only has 3 scooters, one is broken, and the other two seem to always be in use. I have gotten to the store twice now, only to cancel me shopping because of it. Another thing is, my taste buds are STILL out of whack, my favorite foods taste very "off" to me, and I am having trouble finding foods I can at least get down. Even water tastes off, and I love to drink water. The only positive in all that is my weight loss, nearly 50 lbs. lighter, I am discovering myself again as I was in my youth. Hey me skins are not toned and firm, they kinda just hang there, but I feel better, healthier, and I really don't care what I look like naked. In the past, I was a very bad girl when it came to taking care of my diabetes and just myself, in general.. Since my surgery, however, I am so proud of myself as I have been able to keep my glucose levels mostly within normal range. The doc says my type 2 diabetes may even resolve itself as more weight comes off. That would be fantastic! My sternum incision is all healed now and not as bad as I imagined it to be. If anyone doesn't like it, too bad, because I really just don't care about the trivial little stuffs as I did before. I swear that this heart attackkkkkkkkkk has changed my life. It was my wake up call to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. And I am doing it!!! Finally at the ripe ole age of 56 I am giving myself the care and love I should have been giving myself all along. And let me say this; when you are laying in the ICU unit with 3 tubes down your throat, can't talk, fully alert, hands tied down, and helpless to even scratch your nose if it's itchy, it changes you. I couldn't breathe on me own, a machine had to do it for me and it was horrible. And let's not even go to the suctioning of phlegm's, shittin me self many times a day from the antibiotics, and choking... Uh-un. I don't know why it sometimes takes a hard slap in the face to open my eyes and realize how lucky I am to be alive. Now if only the shortness of breath would diminish, I'd be good. I get it so bad and so quickly that I have to stop what I am doing to sit down. The doc says my lungs and labs and O2 sats are all normal, it's just due to the deconditioned state I was in prior to the surgery, and so it will take me longer to recover.
On the job front, my position has been eliminated, they laid off 30% in our unit alone. But the hospital has been very good to me, and HR is trying to place me in another position I am able to do. I am also applying online to positions that sound interesting to me, and I've been told by my boss and HR that I will have priority over someone applying from the "outside." That's if I can achieve a state of health that will allow me to work. At this point, I am so clumsy and wobbly, I lose me balance very easily when I walk or stand up due to the neuropathy in my feet. So I have applied for disability and all that jazz, and have NO clue what my future holds for me. I want to work, I enjoy it. But at this time I have no idea what lies ahead for me. I've been through so much, one thing after another, but today at least my kidneys are functioning close to normal so no more dialysis, all me numbers are within normal limits, my fibro seems to have quieted down~ the bitch, and I just need to strengthen up. Maybe by next year at this time, I'll try out for the Olympics! HAH!
I am not in emotional turmoil any longer over the loss of Diane, it was a gift in disguise and it didn't kill me, but has made me stronger. Boy, that sounds so cliché, (cuz it is!) Financially I'm fucked as I once again have no income. But at least my bills and rent are paid for July. August? Well the world could end before August then I wont have to worry! Otherwise I am holding tight to my faith that there is a plan, a GOOD plan, for me when it's all said and done. In the meantime, I will enjoy my sister's lil pool, work on crocheting a throw blanket for me couch, work on publishing a book, and poems, and 2 children's stories from years ago. Who knows, I could be the new black in the way of writers! I look forward to cardiac rehab and getting stronger every day. Hey, I even got my hairs cut the other day, very pixie short, it's a Dora-bowl!! My face has really thinned enough so I can carry it off. Monday, me new glasses should be in, they are purple & pink. I'm goin' retro/in-style/and trendy and if me name was Wendy, it would rhyme.
Life, as I know it, is good.
Tonight, I stayed up very late watching the history channel. Then when I went to bed, my thoughts just wouldn't shut down, I am SO tired but I wanted, or more like NEEDED to write some thoughts down as they are pretty important to me right now and I was afraid if I didn't I may forget them.
This may sound craZy but I think I am falling in love with myself. I am 56 years old, and I can actually say that for the first time in my life, I feel amazed, and grateful that I am me. As I was laying in bed, I was rubbing my hand down my leg, and my hip, and I felt my bones. It felt comforting, which got me thinking how amazing my body is. I'm not talking beauty wise or anything in the vanity family. What I mean is I am in awe of all the health problems that have befallen me over my life time, specially in the past 5 years, yet my little body (well, it's not little) has taken each illness, dealt with it and healed itself. It's really a miracle, and I am proud of it for all it has come back from.
I was talking to God in my head after I got in bed, my nightly prayers I guess you could say, when this all became clear and washed through me like a wave of enlightenment. I am the first to declare I have not taken good care of my body or spirit in my lifetime. The reason for that is I couldn't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel ashamed for being, so I didn't really care because it was like a self punishment for feeling such shame even though I didn't deserve it.
I wasn't born with the feeling of shame inside my soul. I was a blank canvas which my parents and others in my life back then, painted to be ugly. They only used dark, dark colors and some times no colors at all as if I didn't even exist, or count as a person. They cut it up, spit on it, tossed it in the trash so many times, but it never killed me. I am still here. There has to be a reason for that. I feel empowered now to seek that reason and use it to make some kind of difference, even if it's very small. Even one little tiny baby foot leaves an impression in the sand, doesn't it? And even one little itty bitty candle sheds some light, right?
I viewed and believed myself to be lesser than the human race, and I know it's because that was taught to me, ingrained in me, or at least they are the results of my assumptions from the very beginning of my life. I know I wasn't born with those assumptions already existing inside me. They had to be put there, by someone other than myself.
I have been too ashamed to allow myself to be the real me, and part of that is because I am just learning who the real me is now at this stage of my life. Just one example is I cant sing in front of people. I am ashamed that I cant carry a tune. How silly is that, I shouldn't let that deter me from singing out loud.
I have worn many hats and had several personas over the years, but they were just results of my environment at the time. I was what those closest to me, needed me to be. And I did that whole heartedly and willingly because I believed I didn't deserve to be who ever it was I was.
Until now, tonight. When all of it became clear to me. I was NOT born to be what others needed me to be just so they could endure their lives. I was born to have the chance to live and discover who I am and my own purpose for being here. I may not still know what that entails, all I know is that I am not here to fill in the gaps that other people may have because they lack something.
My body is a miracle. It has been through a lot, I have never given it credit for what it has done. And with that, I give credit to God for all of it. I think he wanted me to realize this and quit being so harsh on myself, because I have been. All those years, even yesterday, I've glanced at myself in the mirror feeling nothing but loathing for myself, all I saw was ugliness, I looked like my mother at times, and that shouldn't be a bad thing. But for me it was because all the negativity and hatred I felt was really towards her but I transferred it onto myself rather than let her have the accountability for all she had done to me.
That's pretty sad. Just because she was my mother doesn't mean I have to carry her shame and let it over shadow who I am. I have the right to be me. I let it be taken from me for too long. Just as my children have the right to be who ever they turn out to be. At least I'm pretty sure I haven't taken that from them, and if I have in ANY way, I am so sorry, it was not intentional.
My final thought is this; was it all supposed to happen like this in my lifetime, or is it because it happened like this that makes me who I am? I don't know if I will ever know the answer. All I do know is the buck stops here, right here and now. I just want to live peacefully, appreciate all that I have, and start treating myself with the kindness and love I bestow on others, because I too, deserve it.
Watermelons have always been round or oval fruit, both seeded and non~seeded. Yet the Japanese (such a creative people) placed them in square, pyramid, and heart shaped containers to grow them and now there are square, pyramid, and heart shaped watermelons! They would be easier to slice, they are still red, juicy, fruit and their shape is the only thing that has changed.
Now I would like to share with you a lil somethin' somethin' I discovered today. Know that I feel nothing about this, not jealous, not hurt, not angry~ nothing at all. It is just information to me. My X Diane at this very moment is traveling across Europe with Karen, they are going up to the Belgium/German mountains and I don't know where else, to camp out and do some mountain bike riding. Karen is taking care of her every need just as I did here, as Diane has not been able to find a job still. I wish them both safety and happiness.
However, the reason I am mentioning this is because it is a gift to me to KNOW and I'll tell you why. It reinforces once again that I can't compete with keeping up with Diane's needs or likes, or make her happy any longer (which couples should be able to do), in the physical condition I am in. I have different needs now, and it would take a different kind of person to interest me enough to want to have some fun. I would never be able to go hiking or biking like I used to.
More than half of the things that were good about "us" involved things I can no longer do. And I would not be happy knowing she would have the burden of taking care of me, helping me around, blah blah blah. It isn't fair to ask that of anyone. Even though many people do so, it just isn't right for me... and I KNOW it wouldn't be for her.
Shoot, I could barely walk if I lost my head and had to go find it. I could barely walk if my nose was running and I had to go catch it. If my own ass was on fire there's NO way I could hop up into one of those water filled barrels to put it out. I have become my own safety hazard and should have it tattooed onto me forehead !
This once again cements further that the break up was a good change, even if I couldn't see that when it happened and for a long time after... I don't agree with how she went about doing it, however I am very thankful right now that she had the guts and courage to do what she felt was right for her, because in doing so, it forced me to do what is right for me. So, my pernt is this; She and I are much like the different shaped watermelons... We are still
fruit gay lovable beautiful worthwhile women but we have each changed shape in our own ways. We no longer fit together. But we are still edible as the watermelons are... (yes, I just HAD to go there). Thinking of it from that perspective helps me grow, and brings me peace. OK, let's move this train outta da station, k?
The pictures below were taken this evening by Christophe who is spending another night with me. This is him sitting on the steps out front. (SO frikking cute, he is... I LERVE him).
If we come in the back entrance, there are no stairs so that is how my gimpy self gets in & out. There are three of these buildings next to each other, and @ night, they are lighted all around and just gorgeous. There are plants everywhere that the owners maintain. I can lay in my bed and look out onto Park Ave. watching what goes on which can prove to be interesting, as this has not been a good neighborhood for years. It was run down, with riff~raff (patty whack, throw the bum a bone...just HAD to do it was flyin around in my head) every where and used for dealing drugs & prostitutes walking the streets.
These 3 buildings were erected prior to 1930, & there are a few photos such as this one, in our lobby. I have often imagined what it was like living here back then. No air conditioning, probably a large percentage of the resident's husbands gone to war.... I don't exactly know what the main industries were here in the Midwest, since I am not from here, but if I had to guess I'd say farming of course, maybe mercantile, and the railroads.
Urban Village is a development company owned by locals, who are working hard to restore Midtown Omaha. Just last year, this whole area was rundown, the buildings all boarded up and condemned, homeless people living in them until they got caught. Then this company bought about 10 -15 large buildings throughout the neighborhood & began to gut them out, and start with all brand new innards. That's why I am the first to live in my apt., we all are. Their plan is to build this community up again and restore some respect for what it used to be. (awwww). What they are doing has pretty much removed the riff~raff, although we may see a few here and there but they must be homeless because they surely couldn't afford to live here without a good income, that's for sure. This company does an extensive background check to make sure renters are on the up & up, and there is a cop living in every of the 3 buildings. This is what they look like now. If you look closely, on the right side of the building there is a sign that says "An Urban Village Development" and my lil ole apt. is the 2 winders right above it.
And from the inside, the 2 winders you can see behind the sinkarooni in my tiny kitchen are the 2 winders you can see from out front. How clever am I....
Those 4 designs at the top of the building have lights in them and point the light downward which makes it look almost mystical at night, and because my apt. is the front one, it sends night light into my windows, which I find so comforting. There are also lights among the plants between the buildings.
And for your enjoyment only, here's a little foot ....
Christophe and I often sit on the stoop out front in the evening, when he comes over. More than once around midnight we have gone out to do so and there is a very
obese chubby African~American woman who walks up and down across the street from one corner to the next, singing some shitty song at the top of her lungs into the night air. She walks like she sees herself as a diva, swinging her bag, dresses like a fruitcake with her clothes always way too tight, in fact I will dare to think she is a whore! Yes, a prostitute trying to run up sum bid~ness. She ends up disappearing into the night at some point or she will be picked up down the street by who can only be a "John." Off they go happily into the darkness to do whatever they do. (vomits a lil in my throat @ da thought). But hey, c'est la vie, eh? It happens every where. I don't mean to judge, just tellin' da fax, ma'm, just da fax. Well, I must say it's time to wrap it up. Good night, Irene, good night Irene, I'll see you in my dreams!
(images from Photobucket except the black/white which is an actual photo of the building I live in)