I feel like I am finished. I have no job, no prospect of one, and I'm about to lose my place of safety & security.... my apt. as I have no money for rent. I still haven't been released to work because I keep having one medical problem after another. It's a never ending story, ya know... like the movie. I can't move to Jo's right now because of my medical issues, all my Doctors are here, and the med center is carrying me for free for a whole year, financially. Well I guess they'll write it off. You can't even imagine how high my medical bills are just since April. I had a cat scan Friday on my abdomen for some painful lumps I found, at first they thought it could be a hernia so I had an ultra sound, but it's not. Turns out the lumps look like enlarged lymph nodes, which is uncommon in the lower abdomen. I am hoping to get results Monday. I haven't been blogging because I feel like I have nothing happy or good to share right now. I'm still going to cardiac rehab 3 times a week, but with the weather changing, my fibromyalgia has been extremely painful. And I'm very unbalanced when I walk, I stumble, trip, and fall a lot. My cane has become my best friend. I was denied social security disability because they state I am not "sick enough" nor legally blind. I have been contemplating poking my eyes out but the thought of eyeballs rolling on my cheeks really freaks me the fuck out... and I just got new glasses. I am appealing it. Having NO income whatsoever for months now, really makes me feel helpless AND hopeless. I just can't believe the position I am in at this time of my life. My nursing license comes due in October, I'm afraid I can't renew it as I haven't worked enough hours or acquired any CEU's that nurse's need to renew... plus I don't have the money for it anyways. If I lose that, then I will truly have nothing... it's all I know as far as work goes. I sacrificed and worked SO hard to get my BSN, the thought of losing it breaks my spirit. I am trying to hang onto my faith, but it's very difficult in my situation. At this point I can't EVEN imagine how my life can turn around, I see no way for it to, I have lost my hope almost completely. I often wonder why I didn't die during my open heart surgery because I came close, and then a little voice somewhere deep in my head where no man has dared to go, tells me God isn't finished with me yet. But what does that really mean? Are more hardships going to befall  upon me until there is literally none of me left? I can't figure it out and I don't have the answer.

C