God has his hand on everything, we are never alone. find safety in his arms as he watches over us, sometimes the only way out, is through...

Hello, it's me again... Haven't posted in quite a while, I wanted to update my readers... if there are any left due to my slacking nature...

After many tests these past 2 weeks, I saw the cardiologist today. It's complicated but the bottom line is I have to have another heart cath to measure the pressures in my heart. My pulmonary studies showed normal results except for diffusion, which was 51% out of 100%. That's why I am short of breath with activity. He explained that after open heart surgery, sometimes the sack that holds and lubricates the heart enabling it to pump more blood on demand when needed, becomes thickened and scar tissue forms around the heart... kind of like a rubber band that would constrict the heart preventing additional blood flow to the body when needed... rendering me short of breath, weak, lightheaded, and having the feeling like I will collapse. I haven't been able to walk more than 30 feet or so, or do much. Even dressing myself leaves me weak. After the heart cath, I will have to have open heart surgery AGAIN so the scar tissue can be cut down. There's a 50/50 % chance of success and it's up to me on whether to have the surgery or not. If I do, I am askeeeered shitless that things will go badly for me after, as they did the first time, and I don't know if I can go through all that again. I have 2 weeks to decide. If I chose not to, my condition will never improve and I will become more dependent as time goes on. FUCKMEHARD I am tired of being ill. I want to be able to go for walks, shop without having to ride the electric scooters, do my own chores, etc, etc, etc ... I want to be as well as I can despite all my other illnesses. Am I asking too much? What would you do in my position? I'm trying to live on a very tight income on SSI, I still have shingles, I still have the lumps in my abdomen which no one can figure out what they are, my diabeties is out of control, not due to my diet, but due to some meds I am on and the infections I have. And the hot fudge on this delicous sundae is, my fibromyalgia is so out of control, I can't even explain how much everything hurts. I just cry alot from the pain. I can no longer take the medications to keep it under control, because of my kidney disease. I have SO many scars on my body now that it's begining to look like the outline of a small country. I'll let you know when I find out the name of it and where it's located... maybe you could come for a visit... I'll show you around... FUCKMEHARD I feel like I'm just whining and complaining. I'm SO sorry you guys, I know I'm sick of hearing myself complain, I would understand if you were, too. It does help me to be able to vent... please keep me in your prayers, as well as my brother Dennis.. who is fighting for his life right now. Love to you all. Christine