"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


lAte niGht reVelaTionS...

Tonight, I stayed up very late watching the history channel. Then when I went to bed, my thoughts just wouldn't shut down, I am SO tired but I wanted, or more like NEEDED to write some thoughts down as they are pretty important to me right now and I was afraid if I didn't I may forget them.

This may sound craZy but I think I am falling in love with myself. I am 56 years old, and I can actually say that for the first time in my life, I feel amazed, and grateful that I am me. As I was laying in bed, I was rubbing my hand down my leg, and my hip, and I felt my bones. It felt comforting, which got me thinking how amazing my body is. I'm not talking beauty wise or anything in the vanity family. What I mean is I am in awe of all the health problems that have befallen me over my life time, specially in the past 5 years, yet my little body (well, it's not little) has taken each illness, dealt with it and healed itself. It's really a miracle, and I am proud of it for all it has come back from.

I was talking to God in my head after I got in bed, my nightly prayers I guess you could say, when this all became clear and washed through me like a wave of enlightenment. I am the first to declare I have not taken good care of my body or spirit in my lifetime. The reason for that is I couldn't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel ashamed for being, so I didn't really care because it was like a self punishment for feeling such shame even though I didn't deserve it.

I wasn't born with the feeling of shame inside my soul. I was a blank canvas which my parents and others in my life back then, painted to be ugly. They only used dark, dark colors and some times no colors at all as if I didn't even exist, or count as a person. They cut it up, spit on it, tossed it in the trash so many times, but it never killed me. I am still here. There has to be a reason for that. I feel empowered now to seek that reason and use it to make some kind of difference, even if it's very small. Even one little tiny baby foot leaves an impression in the sand, doesn't it? And even one little itty bitty candle sheds some light, right?

I viewed and believed myself to be lesser than the human race, and I know it's because that was taught to me, ingrained in me, or at least they are the results of my assumptions from the very beginning of my life. I know I wasn't born with those assumptions already existing inside me. They had to be put there, by someone other than myself.

I have been too ashamed to allow myself to be the real me, and part of that is because I am just learning who the real me is now at this stage of my life. Just one example is I cant sing in front of people. I am ashamed that I cant carry a tune. How silly is that, I shouldn't let that deter me from singing out loud.

I have worn many hats and had several personas over the years, but they were just results of my environment at the time. I was what those closest to me, needed me to be. And I did that whole heartedly and willingly because I believed I didn't deserve to be who ever it was I was.

Until now, tonight. When all of it became clear to me. I was NOT born to be what others needed me to be just so they could endure their lives. I was born to have the chance to live and discover who I am and my own purpose for being here. I may not still know what that entails, all I know is that I am not here to fill in the gaps that other people may have because they lack something.

My body is a miracle. It has been through a lot, I have never given it credit for what it has done. And with that, I give credit to God for all of it. I think he wanted me to realize this and quit being so harsh on myself, because I have been. All those years, even yesterday, I've glanced at myself in the mirror feeling nothing but loathing for myself, all I saw was ugliness, I looked like my mother at times, and that shouldn't be a bad thing. But for me it was because all the negativity and hatred I felt was really towards her but I transferred it onto myself rather than let her have the accountability for all she had done to me.

That's pretty sad. Just because she was my mother doesn't mean I have to carry her shame and let it  over shadow who I am. I have the right to be me. I let it be taken from me for too long. Just as my children have the right to be who ever they turn out to be. At least I'm pretty sure I haven't taken that from them, and if I have in ANY way, I am so sorry, it was not intentional.

My final thought is this; was it all supposed to happen like this in my lifetime, or is it because it happened like this that makes me who I am? I don't know if I will ever know the answer. All I do know is the buck stops here, right here and now. I just want to live peacefully, appreciate all that I have, and start treating myself with the kindness and love I bestow on others, because I too, deserve it.




ChiTown Girl said...

Well...it's about damn time you figured this out!!!

Ok, I kid, but really, I AM glad you've come to this realization. YOU are a wonderful person, and I'm glad you're finally starting to see it!!


Clippy Mat said...

Wow! as always the things you write rock me to my core. I think you are beautiful because you are YOU and I'm glad that you are feeling good inside your skin and that you are healing - inside and out!

Maria said...

I am glad to see that you've reached out and grabbed your place in this world.

I've counseled so many people (which seems funny to me at times because I often feel as if I have no idea what I'm doing in my life) and the ones who never got too far out of their pain were the ones who blamed every single hardship in their lives on their parents, their co-workers, their spouses, siblings. The ones who rose above were the ones who took the reins in their life and damn the torpedoes, kept on going. They were also the ones who took responsibility for their own lives, shouldered their own pain.

Maybe Diane leaving was a good thing, yes? It caused you to hit a wall HARD and forced you into fight or flight mode. You chose to fight and that says everything about you.

I don't share your belief that God is responsible for how your life works or doesn't. If I believe at all (and I am not sure if I do), I see him/her/it as a deep void of good that I can dip my toe into now and then and find respite.

I don't believe that God has anything to do with your life. I think you can take all the credit for your incredible progress.

jo.irish.rose said...

toone, i am so proud of where you are. where you came from and where you are going. who knows, maybe a big move is in your future? but whatever it is, God does have a hand in it. Don't let ANYONE ever tell you different. you and i both know HE is a big part of our lives and He is in control of all things. to each his own beliefs, but we were raised differently.

i see your progress too as much as others, and also see that you have grown through all of it. i pray that you continue in it and you are beautiful inside and out. no matter what the mirror says. or the world. je t'aime ma petite toone!!!

Jason, as himself said...

It's never too late to make these kinds of discoveries about yourself. I loved this post, even though it included pain.