Tonight, I stayed up very late watching the history channel. Then when I went to bed, my thoughts just wouldn't shut down, I am SO tired but I wanted, or more like NEEDED to write some thoughts down as they are pretty important to me right now and I was afraid if I didn't I may forget them.
This may sound craZy but I think I am falling in love with myself. I am 56 years old, and I can actually say that for the first time in my life, I feel amazed, and grateful that I am me. As I was laying in bed, I was rubbing my hand down my leg, and my hip, and I felt my bones. It felt comforting, which got me thinking how amazing my body is. I'm not talking beauty wise or anything in the vanity family. What I mean is I am in awe of all the health problems that have befallen me over my life time, specially in the past 5 years, yet my little body (well, it's not little) has taken each illness, dealt with it and healed itself. It's really a miracle, and I am proud of it for all it has come back from.
I was talking to God in my head after I got in bed, my nightly prayers I guess you could say, when this all became clear and washed through me like a wave of enlightenment. I am the first to declare I have not taken good care of my body or spirit in my lifetime. The reason for that is I couldn't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel ashamed for being, so I didn't really care because it was like a self punishment for feeling such shame even though I didn't deserve it.
I wasn't born with the feeling of shame inside my soul. I was a blank canvas which my parents and others in my life back then, painted to be ugly. They only used dark, dark colors and some times no colors at all as if I didn't even exist, or count as a person. They cut it up, spit on it, tossed it in the trash so many times, but it never killed me. I am still here. There has to be a reason for that. I feel empowered now to seek that reason and use it to make some kind of difference, even if it's very small. Even one little tiny baby foot leaves an impression in the sand, doesn't it? And even one little itty bitty candle sheds some light, right?
I viewed and believed myself to be lesser than the human race, and I know it's because that was taught to me, ingrained in me, or at least they are the results of my assumptions from the very beginning of my life. I know I wasn't born with those assumptions already existing inside me. They had to be put there, by someone other than myself.
I have been too ashamed to allow myself to be the real me, and part of that is because I am just learning who the real me is now at this stage of my life. Just one example is I cant sing in front of people. I am ashamed that I cant carry a tune. How silly is that, I shouldn't let that deter me from singing out loud.
I have worn many hats and had several personas over the years, but they were just results of my environment at the time. I was what those closest to me, needed me to be. And I did that whole heartedly and willingly because I believed I didn't deserve to be who ever it was I was.
Until now, tonight. When all of it became clear to me. I was NOT born to be what others needed me to be just so they could endure their lives. I was born to have the chance to live and discover who I am and my own purpose for being here. I may not still know what that entails, all I know is that I am not here to fill in the gaps that other people may have because they lack something.
My body is a miracle. It has been through a lot, I have never given it credit for what it has done. And with that, I give credit to God for all of it. I think he wanted me to realize this and quit being so harsh on myself, because I have been. All those years, even yesterday, I've glanced at myself in the mirror feeling nothing but loathing for myself, all I saw was ugliness, I looked like my mother at times, and that shouldn't be a bad thing. But for me it was because all the negativity and hatred I felt was really towards her but I transferred it onto myself rather than let her have the accountability for all she had done to me.
That's pretty sad. Just because she was my mother doesn't mean I have to carry her shame and let it over shadow who I am. I have the right to be me. I let it be taken from me for too long. Just as my children have the right to be who ever they turn out to be. At least I'm pretty sure I haven't taken that from them, and if I have in ANY way, I am so sorry, it was not intentional.
My final thought is this; was it all supposed to happen like this in my lifetime, or is it because it happened like this that makes me who I am? I don't know if I will ever know the answer. All I do know is the buck stops here, right here and now. I just want to live peacefully, appreciate all that I have, and start treating myself with the kindness and love I bestow on others, because I too, deserve it.