"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

7/13/2012

DarK thOuGhts...

I do not like the person I have become, recently. I am filled with desperateness and fear about my future and can't seem to grasp on to the faith that has carried me this far. I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now.  Those of you who know me are aware that I have just lived through the shittiest year I have ever had. So many losses, too many changes and I'm supposed to take it all in stride... "You've lived through worse, it'll work out..." But it's just getting worse, not better. No matter what I try to do to help myself, it just seems to dig the hole I am in, even deeper. I don't know where to turn any more.

My job has been eliminated and the excuse they gave is "cutbacks." Yet found out today that I am the only nurse who was let go. The rest of the bunch were operators. All of the medical crap I have been through, still isn't over. I started cardiac rehab yesterday and was told I am so deconditioned that it will take longer for me to build my stamina, and strength... possibly an additional 3 months. So I cant even apply for other positions as I am unable to work at this time. No one's going to hold a position for me that long. Got a call from the poison center today, offering me a $9.00 per hour cut to do secretarial work. It was such a slap in the face. It wouldn't even be enough for me to live on. I am in process of applying for unemployment and disability, however we all know how long that takes.

I'm drowning in my own financial ruins, and there isn't anyone throwing me a life line. I am SO close to losing my beautiful apt. and my car. I will not have health ins. in another 10 days. I really need it right now.

The irony is I was just starting to be happy... I was slowly but surely getting there and was proud of myself for being able to do so. It seems through out my whole life, when ever I have truly been happy, a punishment is always waiting around the corner. If I had a good day in my youth, laughed a lot with friends, it was a sure bet that later that night I'd get the belt from my mother for no reason at all. When that occurs consistently time and time again, it tends to make you believe that if you have too much fun or feel too happy, you will be punished for it. And I am feeling like that again now, which I thought I dealt with in therapy years ago. It took years for me to convince myself that I deserved good things and to feel happiness, without having a consequence. It's funny how some things are just right there in the shadows, ready to pounce on you in a vulnerable moment.

I was always under the belief that when a family member fell into a crisis, everyone would come together to help them until they were back on their feet. My kids have done what they could, but their resources are limited and I feel like a piece of crap taking help from them.

I cry every. single. day. that I am this situation. I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I have reached a point with out hope that things will work out. I am not supposed to be under this kind of stress, it just can't be good for my heart. I apologize that this post is so dark, but it's how I feel tonight, it's my reality. Please keep me in your prayers. Red heart

C

6 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, sugar, you have no idea how much I wish I could help you in some way. All I can do it send you lots of love and support.

xoxox

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I don't know if this will help at all, but I'm going to say it anyway.
I have been through a horrible time lately too, although I know it's not as bad as what you have been dealing with. One thing I keep being told, and telling myself, is SO simple but such a life saver:

One day at a time.

And if that doesn't work, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time.
It's hard, but try not to stress about what's to come. Get through the moment, the day, the week.

Technodoll said...

and this is the moment where your financially well-off sister needs to step in and BE a damn sister. WTF is wrong with that woman? it's not like you're too lazy to work, on the contrary! ARGH!

honey if i had any spare money at all i would share it with you... :(

i know you're working so damn hard to get back on your feet and life keeps tripping you up. it's a test your whole life long but! you've made it so far right?

you do have a guardian angel on your shoulder even it it's sleeping at the switch right now. give it a punch on the shoulder so it wakes up, ok?

everything could be worse.

you are a survivor!!!

Maria said...

Why not take the job? It will give you insurance again and that will solve a few problems. At least it will be a step.

I do a lot of red tape government paperwork and am unable to understand why your disability/unemployment hasn't started yet. Was there a delay on processing at your end? Like...did you think you wouldn't need it or thought you'd just go back to your old job?

I say, take the job that doesn't pay much if you have no other money coming in, for now. Then...did you have any savings? Maybe you will need to dip into them? Family? Can family help?

Does a family member have room for you to stay with them until you get back on your feet? It's humbling, I know...but all you need is a room for now. Surely, someone in your family has a room that you could use for a while?

Once you get back in a job, you will feel more productive. And you can keep applying as you go.

I know this may sound harsh and I apologize if it does...but perhaps you can't live as you did up to now. Perhaps, just for a short time...you need to rely on family to let you have just one room. Take the shitty job. Get health insurance. And then...save every single penny you can until a new job comes up that you can apply for. Once you have enough money saved,get a new apt.

Spend nothing on extras until you have enough saved up to get you by for six months if something scary happens again. Vow to ALWAYS keep that money in reach and not spend a dime of it on anything else but emergencies.

Right now...it is difficult. You will have to ask family for help, not allow yourself any fun money for a while. But, if you take steps you might be surprised where they lead. Maybe someone at the poison control job knows someone who needs a nurse...connections are vital.

And if you have to take a job that you see as not up to your worth, swallow and TAKE IT. There is no shame in being a secretary. None.

Take the reins.

Clippy Mat said...

One day at a time is the best advice. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Look how far you've come since all this began.
You will get there.
You are getting there.
x

Busy Bee Suz said...

Ditto my friend.
I hate that this is happening to you....but I agree on the less paying job. YOU need the insurance now more than anything. Sending you positive thoughts and love love love. xoxo