I do not like the person I have become, recently. I am filled with desperateness and fear about my future and can't seem to grasp on to the faith that has carried me this far. I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. Those of you who know me are aware that I have just lived through the shittiest year I have ever had. So many losses, too many changes and I'm supposed to take it all in stride... "You've lived through worse, it'll work out..." But it's just getting worse, not better. No matter what I try to do to help myself, it just seems to dig the hole I am in, even deeper. I don't know where to turn any more.
My job has been eliminated and the excuse they gave is "cutbacks." Yet found out today that I am the only nurse who was let go. The rest of the bunch were operators. All of the medical crap I have been through, still isn't over. I started cardiac rehab yesterday and was told I am so deconditioned that it will take longer for me to build my stamina, and strength... possibly an additional 3 months. So I cant even apply for other positions as I am unable to work at this time. No one's going to hold a position for me that long. Got a call from the poison center today, offering me a $9.00 per hour cut to do secretarial work. It was such a slap in the face. It wouldn't even be enough for me to live on. I am in process of applying for unemployment and disability, however we all know how long that takes.
I'm drowning in my own financial ruins, and there isn't anyone throwing me a life line. I am SO close to losing my beautiful apt. and my car. I will not have health ins. in another 10 days. I really need it right now.
The irony is I was just starting to be happy... I was slowly but surely getting there and was proud of myself for being able to do so. It seems through out my whole life, when ever I have truly been happy, a punishment is always waiting around the corner. If I had a good day in my youth, laughed a lot with friends, it was a sure bet that later that night I'd get the belt from my mother for no reason at all. When that occurs consistently time and time again, it tends to make you believe that if you have too much fun or feel too happy, you will be punished for it. And I am feeling like that again now, which I thought I dealt with in therapy years ago. It took years for me to convince myself that I deserved good things and to feel happiness, without having a consequence. It's funny how some things are just right there in the shadows, ready to pounce on you in a vulnerable moment.
I was always under the belief that when a family member fell into a crisis, everyone would come together to help them until they were back on their feet. My kids have done what they could, but their resources are limited and I feel like a piece of crap taking help from them.
I cry every. single. day. that I am this situation. I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I have reached a point with out hope that things will work out. I am not supposed to be under this kind of stress, it just can't be good for my heart. I apologize that this post is so dark, but it's how I feel tonight, it's my reality. Please keep me in your prayers.