When you come to the point of realizing that as a parent, you are responsible for some things that cause your children to have issues in their adulthood, it really hurts and sUcKs big-time. this is what has happened to me tonight.
I have made some mistakes whilst raising my kids on my own.. out of sheer need for help, by placing too much responsibility on my oldest when it was inappropriate to do so. he had to grow up before his time and help me with the younger ones. he had to be a helper to the point of my depending on him to do so. and in doing that, i cheated him out of some of his childhood. i put too much responsibility on him because there was no one else.
I was overwhelmed and took from him what their father should have been there to provide and help with. when their father left us, he left me with the responsibility of 2 parents for 4 children.. 2 of which were babies... none of which was any of their fault. they were [and are] great kids. but when i became emotionally drained from fighting the depression i was in, and struggling to survive and meet my kids needs, i unintentionally placed some of the burden of responsibility on my oldest son.
Now he has realized he has issues that are causing him pain. i feel SO badly, SO guilty, SO remorseful, i wish i could take it all back. but i cant. and i cant fix his issues. he is the only one who can now. all i can do is validate his feelings, his hurts, and tell him over and over again how i was in the wrong to place so much on his young shoulders. which i did tonight. i take responsibility for his pain today. i hope one day he can understand that i made mistakes... and i hope that he can forgive me. i love him more than i can ever EVER put in words. he is my first child and has a special place in my heart because of that.
The thing that sucks the most is i realized how i was raised with so much abuse.. and i knew i had to deal with my issues before i could ever parent my own children. i did that. 9 years in therapy and i did that. i am proud to say i have not repeated the abuse i received, in any shape or form. however, when their dad left, i had just had our 3rd child [biologically this time] and found out i was pregnant with the 4th after he moved out. i had depression then having the 2 babies 11 months apart sent me into severe post partum depression... i had difficulty dealing with all the responsibilities that being a single mom to 4 kids, entailed. there was NO one to help me. NO one.
I need to turn this over to god and pray for my son to have the strength and courage to do what he needs to do for himself. he is such a beautiful soul. he is such a good person. when his birthmother placed him for adoption, she did so believing and trusting he would have 2 parents. that is what she wanted for him. when our marriage began to dissolve, the guilt about that made my divorce so much more painful.. i felt like i not only let my children down, but her and Emily's birthmother too. i can never make that right.
I cant take responsibility for their dad's part in this, but he TOO is responsible for our children's issues and unresolved hurts. he is incapable of ever dealing with the emotional aspect of owning up to his part in all this... because he does have one.. which will make it harder for our kids to heal their hurts. i wish i could change that, unfortunately i can not. in his mind, he paid his dues by paying me to raise them [his words, not mine]. I'm sorry but what the fuck kind of sense does that make?
You don't know how much pain and anger i have that he left us right when i got pregnant, after all the infertility trials and tribulations we had gone through in 11 years time.. after everything we had to do in order to adopt.. we were blessed twice with Nicholas and Emily- then god blessed with us with 2 more...
Divorce is hard enough but when a couple has gone through what we had, it's even worse, it's despicable in my opinion that he left. most of you don't know this but he and i lost 2 babies together early on in our relationship. neither one by our choice, but at the hands of others. the first when i was 14, the second a year after we married.
Add that to everything we had gone through and to then see how much god had given us... only to have him fucking leave.. just blows my fucking mind!!!!!! AND he had promised that although we divorced, he would still help raise our children. yeah until his new wife came along and put a stop to that... she put a big old halt to our parting as friends for our children's sake... and he let her.
Fuck Them Both.
I will help my son as much as i can.
It is all i can do.