"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

4/16/2010

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When you come to the point of realizing that as a parent, you are responsible for some things that cause your children to have issues in their adulthood, it really hurts and sUcKs big-time. this is what has happened to me tonight.

I have made some mistakes whilst raising my kids on my own.. out of sheer need for help, by placing too much responsibility on my oldest when it was inappropriate to do so. he had to grow up before his time and help me with the younger ones. he had to be a helper to the point of my depending on him to do so. and in doing that, i cheated him out of some of his childhood. i put too much responsibility on him because there was no one else.

I was overwhelmed and took from him what their father should have been there to provide and help with. when their father left us, he left me with the responsibility of 2 parents for 4 children.. 2 of which were babies... none of which was any of their fault. they were [and are] great kids. but when i became emotionally drained from fighting the depression i was in, and struggling to survive and meet my kids needs, i unintentionally placed some of the burden of responsibility on my oldest son.

Now he has realized he has issues that are causing him pain. i feel SO badly, SO guilty, SO remorseful, i wish i could take it all back. but i cant. and i cant fix his issues. he is the only one who can now. all i can do is validate his feelings, his hurts, and tell him over and over again how i was in the wrong to place so much on his young shoulders. which i did tonight. i take responsibility for his pain today. i hope one day he can understand that i made mistakes... and i hope that he can forgive me. i love him more than i can ever EVER put in words. he is my first child and has a special place in my heart because of that.

The thing that sucks the most is i realized how i was raised with so much abuse.. and i knew i had to deal with my issues before i could ever parent my own children. i did that. 9 years in therapy and i did that. i am proud to say i have not repeated the abuse i received, in any shape or form. however, when their dad left, i had just had our 3rd child [biologically this time] and found out i was pregnant with the 4th after he moved out. i had depression then having the 2 babies 11 months apart sent me into severe post partum depression... i had difficulty dealing with all the responsibilities that being a single mom to 4 kids, entailed. there was NO one to help me. NO one.

I need to turn this over to god and pray for my son to have the strength and courage to do what he needs to do for himself. he is such a beautiful soul. he is such a good person. when his birthmother placed him for adoption, she did so believing and trusting he would have 2 parents. that is what she wanted for him. when our marriage began to dissolve, the guilt about that made my divorce so much more painful.. i felt like i not only let my children down, but her and Emily's birthmother too. i can never make that right.

I cant take responsibility for their dad's part in this, but he TOO is responsible for our children's issues and unresolved hurts. he is incapable of ever dealing with the emotional aspect of owning up to his part in all this... because he does have one.. which will make it harder for our kids to heal their hurts. i wish i could change that, unfortunately i can not. in his mind, he paid his dues by paying me to raise them [his words, not mine]. I'm sorry but what the fuck kind of sense does that make?

You don't know how much pain and anger i have that he left us right when i got pregnant, after all the infertility trials and tribulations we had gone through in 11 years time.. after everything we had to do in order to adopt.. we were blessed twice with Nicholas and Emily- then god blessed with us with 2 more...

Divorce is hard enough but when a couple has gone through what we had, it's even worse, it's despicable in my opinion that he left. most of you don't know this but he and i lost 2 babies together early on in our relationship. neither one by our choice, but at the hands of others. the first when i was 14, the second a year after we married.

Add that to everything we had gone through and to then see how much god had given us... only to have him fucking leave.. just blows my fucking mind!!!!!!  AND he had promised that although we divorced, he would still help raise our children. yeah until his new wife came along and put a stop to that... she put a big old halt to our parting as friends for our children's sake... and he let her.

HE.LET.HER.

Fuck Them Both.

I will help my son as much as i can.

I will be there for him and the other 3 as i have always been.  Photobucket

It is all i can do.

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9 comments:

Clippy Mat said...

You did your best.
Sometimes it's not always enough, but it's all that we've got. In your circumstances which were exceptional, with everything you've dealt with, I don't think I would have or could have coped. You have raised some amazing kids in spite of it all. Reading back through your last few (wonderful) posts I can see the love you have for all of your kids, they are lucky to have YOU! I am sure that with your love and support he will come through these tough times.
Chin up.
hugs
:-))

C said...

pat, you have always been so supportive, i so appreciate you honey. thank you and love to you..

c

kimber p said...

C--the worst pain a mom can have is knowing she plays a part in her child's pain. But, in your heart of hearts and also in your son's, you both know that you did the best with what you were working with at the time.

Guilt is a killer..I'm carrying guilt around that has dogged me for years since leaving the kids' dad..not because I left their dad, but because of the pain they had to endure while going thru it. But, they're constantly reminding me that I should let it go. Let the past be the past and move on. Staying there in that pain isn't healthy for anyone and it totally distracts you from what's going on now....

C--I pray for you. I lift you and your children up and pray that peace will overwhelm you all and you'll find relief. :)

Jason, as himself said...

While it hurts all involved, it seems to me, from the outside looking in, that this is a rough spot that your son will deal with, and then he will move on. It sounds like you were (are) a very good mother, and if the worst thing you did was give your son too much responsibility at an early age, you all did well.

I say HUGE kudos to you for a) Being aware and motivated enough to fix yourself so you wouldn't repeat any of the abuse that you suffered as a child, and b) You made it through raising four kids, two of them very close in age, on your own.

That corgi :) said...

I like what Jason said in his comment; I would have said something similar in that you knew you didn't want to parent like you had been parented by your parents and you watned to stop that cycle and you found ways to make sure you wouldn't repeat your parents' mistakes; I think you did the best you could with what you had to work with. My dad died when I was 18 months old and my mom raised me and my older siblings (brother/sister) by herself. We often did things that perhaps we were too young to be doing (going alone to the grocery store about a mile away at the age of 9, carrying home groceries, etc) but we did it because my mom needed the help. It did teach responsibility and although we do have our issues, all 3 of us turned out fine. Conversely, being raised in a household with 2 parents who got along really well most of the time, both of my kids had rough teenage years, son getting in trouble with the law on several occasions, daughter depressed and suicidal. So sometimes kids even in a 2-parent home with love have issues and I struggle wondering what I did wrong raising them. I think you did a great job; you are there for your kids and I think it speaks volumes that your son would come and talk with you about his issues.

betty

C said...

thank you guys, everything each of you said has really helped me a great deal. i think i place unnessecary [sp.?] guilt on myself. it so helps to hear your opinions.

corgi, jason, & kimber you all have wealth of wisdom.

c

Technodoll said...

Your kids all turned out super fine, C... take a deep breath and remember that. They are also smart enough to know you did your very best xooxoxx

greg said...

They aren't finished growing, C. They still need you and will continue to need you for the rest of their lives. What happened, unfortunately happened, but it's not over by a long shot. You are and I'm sure will continue to be an amazing mother to them all. We can't change the past but there is so much to look forward to. You're a wonderful mother and they are lucky to have you. Much love.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

There's something about those new wives and their interference that just drives me insane.
Sorry you and your son are hurting. Don't be too hard on yourself......we all make mistakes. You did what you knew how to do at the time, and when you knew better, you did better.