"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


It’s hard to keep a positive attitude in a bad situation, but I am really trying to. First, my insurance thinks I am well enough to go home and insisted on a home eval yesterday so I could be assessed for going up and down stairs. I am not even walking independently yet, without a walker, and they want to know how I am doing on stairs. My occupational therapist agrees I am not ready but unfortunately money rules all. never mind what is best for the patient. I was at my apt. for about an hour yesterday, just enough to be teased. I didn’t want to come back here.

Secondly, I asked my kids several times not to drive my car or hang out in my apt. whilst I’m in hospital, yet there was evidence of both and I am so angry that I cant even convey it. I trust my kids, however, I feel helpless enough in here over so many things, and I’m upset at the lack of respect for the few little things I asked them not to do. But my kids are my kids, and have done what they could for me whilst in here, so I don’t feel I can or should say anything. I’m torn because I don’t believe I have asked too much. They all have their own vehicles and apt’s to hang out in, why the lack of respect?

And finally, there’s my sister who lives here. I love her dearly, and want her friendship but I have to accept it’s never going to be the way I want it to be. She tries to control everything to do with me, even what I eat. She asks me questions about my situation and I tell her what is new, or update her when something changes, yet she says it doesn’t make sense to her and goes behind my back to some of the staff to question them to her satisfaction. It makes me feel unreliable and stupid. Then she calls Jo and tells her I got all the wrong information because I am confused and I exaggerate blah blah blah. And it’s NOT true. Although my body has failed me, my mind is still intact and being a nurse myself, I do understand more about medical stuff than the average person, I don’t claim to know anywhere near everything, but I do know my fair share. She looks stuff up online to debate and prove me wrong when I explain something to her. Again, she calls Jo and tells her how I have it all wrong. And I just don’t have the energy or stamina to argue with her, in fact, I have been having such anxiety the past few weeks that I now have ativan to take when needed.

I don’t know if I will have a job when all is said and done, most likely not… and I don’t know what I am going to do for income, I don’t know where next months rent will come from, or how close to healthy/normal I will be once I am at my maximum potential… then to have to deal with petty bullshit stuff like this, well it’s just unnecessary. I feel like telling her "if you can’t add positives to my life or help me for the better then get the fuck out of my way.” yet I cant bring myself to say anything like that. I’m worn out, just so worn out. I know I am more fragile right now than I would normally be, it seems like every little annoyance is multiplied.

I do know and believe my sister has the best intentions in her efforts, because she loves me. But at what point does that excuse what it’s doing to me?

This afternoon I have an appointment with my surgeon, first time I see him since the surgery. I became very short of breath in the hospital after the surgery and was told there was still a small amount of fluid in my right lung but it would absorb. The amount wasn’t enough to tap it as they did the other side. It has not diminished, and I have told my nurses and the Dr. who follows me here. No one seems concerned. So when I was called yesterday to be reminded of today’s appointment, I took the opportunity to let the nurse know about it. She called me back to ask if I could arrive a bit earlier for an X-ray prior to seeing the Dr. so I will let you know how it all goes.

Just returned from the Dr.’s appointment. Everything cardiac looks good, the X-ray didn’t show any abnormalities so they did an ECHO cardiogram, won’t have results until tomorrow.

Here it is tomorrow, still no results. But I am in a bit of a better mood, even if only slightly. We are having severe weather and I love it, so I’m comfy cozy in my room, with the blinds up on the windows so I can watch the lightening. At one point the rain was coming down sideways.

In therapy today I managed to go up and down stairs, and walk the complete parameter of hallway for the first time without collapsing. Big BIG step for me. And the shortness of breath wasn’t as severe as it has been. It’s the first time since I’ve been here that I feel some progress. YEAH, ME!
It's thundering pretty good right now, I'm gonna get in bed and let it lull me to sleep. I find it very comforting. Talk to you soon.



ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, sugar, I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. You are a saint for handling your sister in the sweet way you do. I'd be telling her to fuck off. But, that's just ME. Still sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

jo.irish.rose said...

toone, things will get better....and seeing that i just talked to you, nobody knows that you have cellulitis on your left hand. this was just found this morning. yup another setback for our little patient. but she is strong, and this too shall pass. all good thing come to those who wait.....and BOY, HAS SHE BEEN WAITING!!! so she should be getting a crapload of good stuff soon! she was also approved for longterm disability. this news came in the mail this morning. she will post it all later. poor lil thing is sooooo pooped. i love her and wish i could be there to care for her. but i have my family here. i love you toone, keep your tiny lil chin up!!! she wont tell anyone this, but i will brag on her....she has lost 40lbs!!! and still dropping!!! i am sooooo fricking proud of her!!! next time i see her she will have to turn sideways, i wont be able to see her!!! lol your doing such a good job, dont let the stresses of anyone keep you back, just let them motivate you all the more.....soon you will be in your little apartment all on your own. k? i cant wait for that day. your doing soooo good. je t'aime tres gross!!!! xxxxxxxx

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm glad to read that there has been some progress. And thank you Jo for the update!!

Anonymous said...

I'll focus on the good stuff: Climbing stairs!!! 40 freaking pounds!!! YAY YOU!! All the other stuff, it will get better too. Just work on getting well and look forward to happiness and a healthy body.

ChiTown Girl said...

Thanks, Jo!! I'm so glad to hear about the progress. Isn't it great to have a sister who loves to brag about you?!

Clippy Mat said...

Well! I almost died when I came over to blogland and saw you had posted - and several times to boot! I've just caught up on everything and am leaving a comment here which covers these recent posts.
First of all, Thank God you are back. You were such a miss and I was really worried about you but thanks to your lovely sister Jo for keeping us posted on FB. What you have gone through is unbelievable! I can't imagine what that was like and being on a ventilator, hands strapped down? Oh God, the fear. You have come though amazingly well and I'm glad that you knew that everyone was thinking of you and willing you on while you were going thru all this.
Now that I know you are BACK I will come back again to follow your progress. As I say, you were a big miss and it's great to see your humour and writing skills are intact and flourishing.
Onwards and upwards Chris.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I hate the setbacks....and the lack of respect is very hurtful. YOU deserve the best! I'm glad things are looking a bit up for your health. I think of you often and pray that you feel like your old self again. Well, your younger healthier old self. :)

Maria said...

40 pounds! Holy smoke. That is incredible. I have a friend who, like you, had a bypass and then complications and he lost 57 lbs. When I asked him how he lost all that weight, he said, "Easy. It's called the FEAR OF DEATH diet. Works like a charm."

And long term disability is good, so it will ease your money worries.

I don't care how timid you are about giving your kids the business, I'd give them some real old fashioned mama blistering words about going against my wishes regarding car and apartment. I understand taking the car for a short spin occasionally to keep it oiled up, but what the hell do they need your apartment for?

Now that you can relax a bit, concentrate on getting better.

kristi said...

Sorry I haven't visited in a while. Still thinking of you and hoping you get better soon!