I'm in a funky kind of mood tonight. Fighting the demons that want me to remain in the pain of my break up. I made myself remember the things that happened and how gullible or naïve or maybe a combination of the two, I was.
I feel angry to have been treated badly, dishonestly, and then amputated, left with all this emotion that is taking too long to sort out. The way SHE tells it, she was always concerned about my feelings, said she was trying to find a way to do this right, and then since she has been back in England, she doesn't have to consider or worry about my feelings in any thing she does. She is free, now.
It makes me feel like I was some kind of burden, and now I feel ashamed, because I was happy, I thought we were both happy, I knew none of these things she admitted at the end. What I don't like is being made to feel stupid or ignorant, all because I thought we were happy, only to find out the many ways in which she wasn't.
On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past, from being a little girl to today. Sometimes I question what is the point to everything I have experienced, lived through, and been saved for, many times by an unexpected miraculous act at the last minute. I have come close to death a good handful of times in my life, and was stunned at why I survived, each time.
I do believe everything happens for a reason, however that brings me no comfort right now because I don't understand the point of it all.
I've been seeking spiritual guidance and meaningful purpose for my life. The break up has had more of an effect on me than just the loss of love. In my youth, I SO believed in happily ever after, that once you married, it was forever. I didn't have any role models to base that belief on, so I cant quite say where it originated from. Maybe it was more of my fantasy since I came from a broken home.. I just don't know. It's funny but now that I am alone, my kids are grown, my Bella is gone, and the 2 deepest loves of my life have both left me for different reasons, I have been questioning my purpose now, questioning if I will ever feel loved or able to give love to another, again.. Wondering what is going to happen in my future.. So many questions, but no answers. I'm pretty good at giving advice but not good at all of taking heed of it for myself.
I feel lost right now, I question everything, I don't feel like I can trust anyone, and I am still in shock over what happened. I have moments of wanting to scream my fucking head off until I cant take another breath to do so any longer.
I have good days, too. yeah, I think there was one last month..
I know when you've been with one person for a long time and eventually you fall in love with the things they love, all things British, all things European... little things that only meant something because of her. Things between the two of us that wouldn't be special to any one else... And I never knew it was going to be the last time for this thing or that one.
I am struggling to let go and move on, but it's the little things that keep me bound... I don't even want to remember the special things, because it hurts too much. My heart is broken, and the little reminders only pour salt into the wounds.
I have a box of PG tips English tea that we were able to find here at one store, years ago, it is her fave and became mine, and so that's all we bought and drank. There's only a few tea bags missing from it but I cant throw it away. I cant drink it and I cant throw it away. I just cant lose one more thing, even the fucking stupid box of tea is too much for me right now.
I try to analyze my shit and I hate to admit defeat, but it doesn't feel like I'm still giving my power away, it just feels like raw hurt, sadness, and sometimes, just some times its too much to handle. Like tonight.. oh God.. all I know is that if I didn't wake up tomorrow, some may say it would be due to my health issues because I do have a few... But I say it would be from a broken heart.. I know deep in my soul, it would be from that.
I am not planning on doing any thing, I don't mean it that way, it's just that I keep hoping the days will get easier to get through, the sadness and hurt I feel will lessen, and some kind of strength that has always brought me through the bad times in my life, will kick in and carry me to a place of peace.. But none of that happens. I have been waiting and nothing happens. There have been moments scarcely sprinkled here and there the past few months, where I feel like I am doing better, but they are fleeting moments. When I least expect it, a wave storms in and knocks the breath out of me, and I don't know where that inner strength that used to pull me threw, went. I need it now.
No one wants to hear about this shit any longer, and I know that.. I understand that. Because I don't want to hear about it any more either, let alone live it.
I'm sorry is all I have to say.