"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


..who invented liquid soap, and why..?


Ok, so here's the skinny... Diane and I were supposed to part as friends, yeah? There have been no attempts on her end to say hello, or ask how I am... NADA, nuttin, honey. 4 nights ago we had a short conversation on FB in which she felt like the person I once knew, it was nice for a moment. I asked her to add me back on her FB so I could send her the pictures she asked for. She hasn't. I was trying to be nice, plus I must admit there is a small part of me that just wanted to connect with her on some level, again.. I haven't let go yet, I am really trying, just haven't been able to as of yet. Talking with her online, even though briefly, was a mistake for me. It hurt. Afterwards, I was in pain, because we had a moment where it was US again, a little flirty, some inside jokes... Catching up on news etc... then POOF it was gone. I remember when she used to FB Karen, they both always signed off with "XOXOXOX" at the end of the conversation... I automatically did that out of habit, but she didn't. SHE DIDN'T DO IT. And I felt it like a slap across the face. Yes, I know it's my fault for having an online conversation with her, I couldn't resist because I am not over her yet. But what it showed me was that we will never be able to be friends, as I cant handle rejection from her no matter how tiny or silly it seems. I.  JUST.  CAN'T. And in my head I will always be comparing her actions with me, against her actions with Karen... Me being the loser each and every time. I KNOW she has ended our relationship but I still feel connected to her as if she is still mine... And I find myself expecting things to reflect that, even though I know I've lost her. It's such a fine line for me, with her. I need it to be all or nothing. I am not strong enough to float some where in the middle, and try to be friends. I just can't, it is too painful. I can't trust her, and I don't trust the part of me she brings out.. Used to be she brought the best of me out.. Now all that she brings out it the painful way she treated ME the last few months we were together... I can't keep reliving that shit over and over again. This feeling I'm left with is so familiar to me, it goes back to a very long time ago.. My relationship with my dad at times was loving, and fun, when I was very little. However, as I got older and would go on the truck trips with him, I didn't feel right but couldn't figure it out at the time. We had our meals in restaurants since we were traveling, and he would flirt with all the cute waitresses. He even invited some to join us on the truck trip, "all expenses paid" and he'd flirt, and act young boyish as he tried to talk them into it.. Meanwhile not paying attention to me, and I was always wondering what they had that I didn't to keep his attention like that.. Now I understand it, he was a sex addict. I was a polite little girl who ate her food while he tried to pick up women. This behavior when ever we were together, continued on until he died. In my adult years when David & I lived in Alabama, he would occasionally drive through Ozark, call me out of the blue to take me out to eat and spend about 90 minutes with me, every couple of years. I cant even begin to say how important those minutes were to me.. I loved him, and missed him SO, I never gave up my magical thinking that he would come back some day and be my dad... when I was good enough. He would give me about a 2-3 hour heads up that he would be coming into town, so I would get dressed up as cutely as I could, he was my dad, I wanted him to think I looked nice. I'd meet him at a restaurant  SO excited to see him... giddy as a young girl... having already planned through scenarios of how it was going to play out, in my mind... Thinking of everything I wanted to tell him, and ask him.. I was SO ready. When I arrived, we had the initial quick hug where he always let go first, as if he was saying that was enough.. We'd go in and get seated.. I would begin to start telling him the things I'd planned to, when after a minute or two his attention and eyes would be on every woman in the place. I'd be talking, he'd be pretending to listen, and start flirty conversations with who ever would pay him the time of day. He did this the WHOLE time we were there. His avoidance of me, the lack of full attention, and the constant looking around left me feeling so unworthy of his time and attention... I felt insignificant. Like I was not as important to him as these women he was trying to pick up. And it has nothing to do with sex at all, my dad never made me feel creepy in any way, it was all about his attention, wanting his approval, and love, and his wanting to really get to know me and hear what I was saying. I got none of that, ever, from him. I was just the tag along. He was some how relieving his guilt by "spending time with me" even though he was only physically present. My heart was sinking fast as I was no competition to any of his "prospects" nor did I want to be, all I wanted was to have my dad enjoy my company and act like a father for just a little while. I only saw him a few hours about every 2-3 years, some times longer, and I just wanted our time to be meaningful. What I got though, was his indifference. This IS WHAT ties into what I am trying to explain about how it is between me and Diane now, her lack of contact, her lack of interest in remaining friends, well it just leaves me feeling the same way I did with my father although they are two totally different situations.. I am left feeling the same fucking pain and it hurts so much, it cuts right into my soul reminding me AGAIN how unimportant and insignificant I am... to him, and now to her. AND I CANT HANDLE IT. I am back in the depth of pain I was about a month ago and I can't do this to myself.. I think I am at the point where I have to let her go totally, not even hope for a friendship because she will never give me what I need and want.. she's done with me, DONE.. And I have to accept that there is no chance for it to be any other way with her, ever again. Why is it so hard? I have to let go of every bit of her, my hopes, dreams, wishes, longings, everything. I need to sweep the floor of everything Diane and toss it in the trash, and be done with it. I am letting my wants and needs keeping me tied to some one who can't give them to me. Not because she doesn't know how, because she doesn't give a fucking shit any more. When am I going to learn that lesson, accept it, and stop hurting myself holding on to it. It's NOT affecting her, she is happily living her desires out with her X... I am here, sometimes struggling to make it through the day, sometimes having an ok, tolerable day, but always, ALWAYS WITH DIANE ON MY MIND. WTF?? When will I get to the point where I can say fuck this, and let her go? I must be a glutton for punishment, I am the one causing me pain. This is SO fucking hard to do.. I feel like I am failing myself, and I am. I don't understand how I can even feel the way I do about her, after how she hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me... Where's my backbone? Where have my personal standards and boundaries gone? Where is my strength to pull myself through this? Maybe it's because of how I survived growing up without my father. It was SO painful, that I had to create an ongoing fantasy in my head to survive his absence.. I never lost hope that some day he'd come back for me, it seems so stupid now to look at how I felt back then, but I am wise enough to realize it was a survival mechanism for a young girl handling some thing too painful to withstand. The day I got a phone call that he had died, my first thought was that he would never be coming back for me, now. Later, when I began to process the news, is when his death hit me for what it was. It's unbelievable how deeply the attachment to my dad actually went and how those first formative years where one gages their worth based on how their parents reflect it to them, can affect me for the rest of my life. It follows me into every relationship I have, whether I like it or not. Diane and I, and my dad and I, are totally different experiences. I am not trying to compare them or insinuate some thing about Diane is similar to my dad. My intention is to portray how a rejection from both of them, has left me feeling the same kind of pain, and that's why it feels so familiar to me. Maybe this lesson I am supposed to learn, which is still unknown to me, has come around once more in a different scenario in order for me to finally finish out old business of learning how to heal after a devastating loss. Because I DO believe there are lessons we must learn, and they will keep coming at us until we learn them.

Fuck, I am going to bed, I've had enough for one day and my head is throbbing.




ChiTown Girl said...

oh my...

Isn't it amazing how you can completely analyze your situation, talk about it logically, know what you need to do, etc., yet YOU CAN'T DO IT! I used to do the same thing when CSJ and are were separated. It almost makes you crazier, doesn't it? If you were just oblivious to what was causing your feelings, maybe it would be easier to work past them. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud here, I guess...

I continue to pray for your pain to end, my sweet friend. It used to help me to embrace the anger. It's NOT you that is the problem. You are the same kind, caring, loving, generous, beautiful soul you were when you two met. SHE changed, not you. This is about HER, it is NOT about you.


Jim said...

Love that quote, Chris! And your future is going to be yours! You will always have 'setbacks', we all do. This is so related to my post tomorrow (Thursday).
We have so much to learn and so little time to do so. But let's get going!!

Clippy Mat said...

WHY? do you have to blame yourself for the failings of others????
I leave you with that thought.

jo.irish.rose said...

Tatoone.....why?????? Pour quoi tu fait ca a toi? Your hurting your own feelings by writing to her toone, AND ASKING HER TO FRIEND YOU? ehhhhhhh mooooooo, Larry and curly!!!! A BIG no no!!! FAIT PAS CA!!!!! I will have to come over and open a can of whoop ass on ya, don't make me drive over there again!!!! Lol. Seriously tho, toone, you know I wouldn't tell you if I didn't love you, right??? You is my big sister and I got to protect you from all dangers!!! One of them is YOU!! lol xxxxxxx muah

Maria said...

Get up right now. Write down in large letters in RED MARKER:


And then FOLLOW THROUGH. Tell yourself the truth: you are leaving her with a pathetic picture of yourself, crying for her crumbs. Each and every time you go into pleading, desperate mode, she congratulates herself for leaving. Show some gumption, for god sakes. Even if you have to fake it for now.

kristi said...

Never let them see you sweat, that is what I tell my daughter.

Cry alone and get over it but never never beg someone to love you.