OK, I am pissed... I am officially kicking my own ass. (thank you! to my ass kickers, empathetics, supporters) I am NOT the weak gimpet that I have been appearing to be. well, I was temporarily, but actually that's how much pain I have been in concerning the break-up. letting it out here was necessary for me to process my feelings, express my pain, and yes admit to my weaknesses. we all have them, it's just some people never show them. I am one who doesn't give a shit that I wear them on my sleeve, that's just how I am made. after years and years of growing up stifling every emotion I'd ever felt, out of shame for feeling them in the first place, it's a wonder I turned out like this. I couldn't even cry in front of my mother, I was ashamed to feel anything in her presence. when I joined the 12 step program for 9 years, when I was in my mid 30's, I learned that I DID have feelings, lots of them, and that it was OK to express them. turns out I am a very passionate person, when I feel something, it has all of me in the emotion. which makes me vulnerable and unfortunately I can get taken advantage of.
back to my point, I recently put Diane in her place on a message on FB and she replied with a nasty one back so we ARE DONE. I told her I am DONE and I don't plan on ever compromising my heart again by trying to contact her. she was just as harsh in the message as she was our last few days together. I don't fucking want anymore of that. I, the ever loving, always forgiving, kindness coming out of my ass kind of woman I am, is DONE with her. she pounced on me the very first time I let my guard down, thinking, hoping, we could be friends. it will never happen. NEVER. I am still healing, trying to move on from such a fucking devastating break-up that I never expected to happen, tossed aside without regret or resolution, left like a fish trying to breathe out of water. FUCK HER. is that loving enough? FUCK HER! for what she did to me and the kids. what kind of lying, cheating, coward would wait until I was at my most vulnerable point to let me know she hasn't loved me for a long time, and then leave me, but before she left me, oh lets see now, let's have a double serving of lies, a 5 lb. bag of an affair, a dozen betrayals, a gallon of stealing money behind my back, and for dessert lets all giggle and skip into the forest arm in arm. except I wasn't invited. I am SO fed up, SO angry, my streak of wanting revenge is right there waiting for me to release the collar that holds it back.
such is my response after being hurt and made such a fool of, by her. I hate that this situation has pushed me to that point. because that isn't me. I am not a violent person, nor one who seeks revenge. I've always believed what goes around comes around. but I must say I am THIS close to surpassing my own values and beliefs to get even with her. in anger, I mean that. but when my anger dies down, I wont be able to follow through with hurting her or anyone else that hurts me, my heart is just not that way. I WILL NOT contact her again. I deserve so much more than that kind of treatment.