"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

3/27/2012

from black to white, wrong to right, I stand to fight, with all my might...

02453_nightmoves

I don't know where I'm going, I only know I am following the light. But there is still a bit of darkness I need to get through. I've had the same dream every night for the past 6 nights. And when I wake up, the feelings of the dream are with me for hours after ward, leaving me emotional, and wondering why I keep having the same dream. Yes, it's about Diane, she comes to me in my dream, wanting to be with me again, yet there's always a barrier of another woman she happens to be with, who shows up in the end, so we don't get together after all. I've been trying to not let that be the focus of my day, but its always there. This weekend I had 2 days off, and spent it cleaning the whole apartment top to bottom, although it's a small space, it still took me longer than it may have someone else, simply because of the chronic back pain and fibromyalgia I have. I kept having to interrupt my routine to rest and ice my back. When that was done, I had one of my sons over for lunch, I ran errands, did a little shopping, watched a few recorded shows I missed, and played several games of scrabble on my computer. I needed alone time, and I got it. I watched P.S. I LOVE YOU, which is a fave movie of mine, I watch it to remind me that even with a devastating loss, there can one day be happiness again, when the time is right. In my opinion, I kept busy and tried to keep my mind off the dreams, but what bothers me the most are the feelings of immense sadness it leaves me with that shadows my day. Its as if she has seeped into every level of me, every breath, every beat of my heart contains remnants of her, always there to remind me of her absence. I can FEEL her absence pulsate through me.. How horrible that must sound to let someone have that much power over me.. The thing is, I'm not letting her, its just there, it is not by any conscience action on my part that contributes to this. In the morning, I am making an appointment to change my antidepressant to something else, because I don't feel like its working. I have to do something about how I feel, because I have no energy, no desires to go out, I don't even enjoy cooking or eating any more. Those were things I so loved... just not finding joy in the things I used to. Cooking for one really sucks. We used to cook all the time, big meals, invite people over, entertain... I have no desire to do any of that. In fact, if I am honest, I don't want to do any of the things her and I enjoyed because it makes me miss her and since she has been gone, they just don't mean as much to me.... I realize I need to find new things to enjoy, I haven't been able to yet. I miss Bella SO much and in the building I live in, nearly everyone has a doggie or two. I am always reminded of her, and its too much sadness for me to deal with all at once. Everyone has given me good advice on here, and I'm working on it, really I am... I'm so weighed down with sadness lately it feels suffocating. I came across this video that I wanted to share, because I feel different after viewing it.

homeless boy sings

So after I saw this by accident, I wept for a long time at the courage this young man has, for the pain and loneliness he lived through, regardless of the terrible life he has led, being on his own since the age of 5. So I'm thinking, if he can persevere, and overcome and push on to achieve his dreams, despite the obstacles he has encountered, then who the fuck am I to even complain about my break-up, my little worthless woes and problems, and dare to feel sorry for myself. This young man humbles me to my knees, right to my knees I say.. If you watch it and read the translations, it will affect you in some way too, I am sure of it. For me, I will use it to kick my ass out of my depression and sadness.. he has become an inspiration to me, a hero, a blessing.There are much worse things in life that people live through which make my problems appear so small and petty. And I realize how much I have wallowed in them, rather than pick myself up, dust myself off, and take a step forward towards healing. I AM stronger than I have shown myself to be.. You guys don't know what I have already lived through, you know tidbits, but there's so much more... yet I persevered and I'm still here and I have come too far to give up now, I am a survivor and I will learn to live again and be happy, even if I am alone. God bless this young man and I pray he goes far with the beautiful gift of voice he has been given. I realize as I write this out, there must be a reason I am exactly where I am tonight.. alone, but content about it.. sad but hopeful I will be happy again, weak so I can become stronger, tearful so I can cleanse my soul, and willing to let her go so I can be free. And I wish all the same good things for Diane, because a part of me will always love her, and she deserves peace and happiness and love, as well. yes, it's sad, endings are... but they are also new beginnings, we just forget to look at them that way.

C

5 comments:

Jim said...

Hey Chris! Now on that 'new beginning' note why don't you take a second and check out my post today. I am having my first GIVEAWAY! And it involves writing....which you ARE SO GOOD AT!!!
If you have time (MAKE IT) it may be a good distraction for you. Would I lie? NO!

sophie...^5 said...

Listen to Jimbo...get over there or better yet click this link...Jim's Giveaway Post

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh for fuck's sake!! Why didn't I read your whole post before I clicked on that damn video!?

Ok, I'm back after having a good long sob.

That's all I got other than lots of love and hugs and kisses, which I'm sending your way.

Clippy Mat said...

don't beat yourself up for feeling sad. it's got to be really hard going through the breakup and rebuilding your life again and you are doing really, really well. don't expect to be able to do it overnight but you are really 'working it out' and moving forwards step by step and THAT is inspiring to see.
Hugs ;-))

kristi said...

Anybody would be depressed after going through what you have. Hugs. Hope you get to feeling better.