"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

3/31/2012

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The weekend is upon us once more. This one, I have to work. However, my son is getting an achievement award Sat. night at a banquet put together just for him so a friend of mine will work a couple hours for me so I can go and then return to work after. I had today off, and I went to my Dr.'s office concerning my depression. Of course he took a bunch of lab work, I weighed 4 pounds lighter when I left... Basically, I sobbed in his office for 90 minutes, telling him what had happened with Diane and Bella, he was very kind to me and plans on adjusting my medication when the lab results come back. Also, I am going to seek some counseling to help me work through the pain I have been in. Intellectually, I know the stages of grief I even recognize them as I go through them, and I know what I need to do for myself, I have a lot of experience with different forms of therapy because of what I personally have gone through, as well as my dream job when I was younger was a choice between nursing in OB, and nursing in psych... The thing is... I find it difficult to apply what I know and what I would advise some one in my shoes, to do... for myself. I'm in too deep this time, too raw to try to remain unbiased with myself, if that's even possible. I know several Dr.'s in Omaha so I will be seeing someone soon. I'm not ashamed to admit that I need help to work through my grief, I welcome it and will do everything I can to heal. I cant live like this much longer, I have crying spells everyday, and I mean the heavy, noisy kind where it leaves me  weak and spent.. I haven't been sleeping well, I am not eating much as nothing tastes good to me.. I refuse to partake in any of the activities I used to enjoy as it feels too lonely to do so with out Diane, and I have always been one who loved to cook... Now I have no desire and if I try to, its still too raw and I cant do it. I feel like I am only existing from day to day, doing what's necessary and nothing more.

After my appointment, I went good willing with my niece and sister, and had dinner at her house after. My brother-in-law made a delicious lentil soup, and it's the first time in weeks that I enjoyed a meal. On my way homo, I stopped at an ice cream shop in midtown, got a cone and sat for awhile outside people watching, and enjoying seeing the clouds roll in. I made it home just before the down pour began. It felt ok to be in my own company, and have the solitude... I plan on doing that again, without the ice cream next time. Ben and Jerry's (or is it Ted and Wally's?) in the old market are my fave, its hoe made daily and the plain chocolate is to die for. The cold stone ice cream was... well I'd have to say, awful... It tasted just like a store brand does and I wont eat there again. We all have our own tastes, don't we..

I found some really cute things at goodwill today for my apt. Spent 9 dollars and came out with a big bag of stuff. I LERVE good bargains.

24 hours later....

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I got sleepy and didn't finish my post last night. I didn't hear from the Dr. today, my lab results must not be ready yet. I had a strange kind of occurrence this afternoon when I was parking in the garage for work.. I had just pulled into a spot and noticed this woman walk by, get something out of her car, and walk back in the building. My gaydar went off and I did a double take, I actually felt attracted to her. I'm not one who feels an attraction with out there being an emotional connection.. But I liked the way this woman walked, carried herself, and looked to be a bit butch. When she'd gone inside, I sat there in disbelief that I felt like that. I felt guilty like I was betraying Diane, yet it felt nice to even think about the possibility that one day I could feel that way again. I have to keep reminding myself that Diane is with the one she wants to be with, doesn't love me or even want to be friends with me.. Because if I don't remind myself of those facts I start missing her and wanting her back, and all it does is hurt me. Today, walking out to my car to go to work, I overheard some people who live in my building, talking about the guilt they feel leaving their doggies alone all day while they work blah blah blah... And my mind immediately took off in fantasyland, that if Diane came back, she could do dog walking for the 3 buildings here, and make some good money. I even went as far as picturing us together again, in this apt.. Wondering if it could make her happy enough to come back.

Then I nearly slapped my own face to snap me out of my foolish thoughts, and beat myself up mentally, pretty darn good.. She does not want to be with ME even if I had a lot of money and she could work here, there is nothing that I can say or do to make her want to come back to me.. SHE does not want ME. When  will that simple fact get through to my poor little aching heart? I cant care about what she is doing in England, with her X. I cant keep wondering if she misses me, or even thinks about me... It just doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't change anything, it doesn't ease my pain, and I want to just be able to feel indifference towards her. I don't want to feel my heart skip a beat at the mere mention of her name... I don't want to cry when I hear one of our songs or go somewhere her and I used to frequent. I want it to be over, I NEED it to all be behind me so I can enjoy each day in peace as I deserve too.

So maybe seeing that woman and feeling the way I did today, was a little sign or gift, to give me a ray of hope that for me this isn't the end...

Only time will tell I guess.

C

 

4 comments:

Maria said...

Maybe next time, you should get out of your car and just smile at her. No come hither shit, just a smile.

And I kind of like Cold Stone. But I am hardly an ice cream expert. I really, really love plain vanilla cones from Dairy Queen, so go figure.

It's good that you are seeing someone professionally. I wasn't aware that you were taking meds for your depression, so yes...you are in a much different place than I thought you were. So glad that you are open to psychotherapy.

sophie...^5 said...

Sounds very much like C has the hope and possibility of meeting someone...yup..she does! No harm in spilling your guts with a shrink...really...I've done it a few times...and look I'm still here! Ron

Busy Bee Suz said...

I DO hope your Dr can help you in a positive manner.
Your heart is still there....beating away and looking for love.
xoxo

jo.irish.rose said...

I left you a message on FB that says:

"YOUR HEART IS A MUSCLE, AND WHEN IT IS TORN IT ONLY GROWS BACK STRONGER!"

Just the fact that you are looking is a step, toone!! Way to go!!! Each day is going to get easier, then you will look back and it will be a year, then two....time is what it will take. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you want to do things for you, and you started that too. So proud of you!!! xxxxx You are stronger than you know. I love you for that. And so sorry about all the other drama!!! As much fun as it was....I shouldn't of involved you at all. I apologize on me lil wrinkled knees......lol. Anyhoo, ttfn.