mom, today you would have turned 91. I wonder what the remaining years would have entailed, had you not died. I wish I would have known you, without all of your damage. but because you were damaged, you in turn damaged me.
I have always grieved not having a kind mother, one who felt safe to me~ rather than one who made me feel so dirty I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
where ever you are, I hope you have clarity to see the big picture and how your actions, words, and behaviors affected me, hurt me, and left me so damaged inside that I have no hope of ever truly healing from the scars you left on my soul. I don't honestly know if forgiveness will ever come to my heart, but you'll be the first to know if it does. I'm sorry for your pain and the damage you received growing up. I am even sorrier that you passed it on to me.
if I could speak to my mother tonight, that is very close to what I would say. I am in no frame of mind to pussy foot around and spare anyone's feelings tonight. it's been an eye opening kind of day for me, it seems like everyone I love and expect loyalty from is betraying me in one way or another... either by saying hurtful things about me, or by keeping things I would want to know, from me. everyone thinks they need to spare my feelings and I am supposed to view that as a loving, kind gesture. the reality is that it makes me feel betrayed, hurt, and like the fucking joke is on me while everyone has a good laugh about me, behind my back. it is very painful to be the brunt of your own family's joke.. yet that is how I feel. "get over it, they say" "it's for your own good, they say.." in who's fucking opinion is it what is best for me?
my anger tonight is ugly. I am sick and fucking tired of being deceived either on purpose to "spare my feelings" or by omission, "to spare my feelings." one form is just as hurtful as the other. I am sick of others deciding what THEY think is best for me. my opinion doesn't even matter. not even in matters of the heart or when it concerns ME or when some one plans on leaving me and I am the last to fucking know.
this kind of behavior from those I love only enforces the negativity I feel for parts of myself, and validates that my opinions do not matter or count, that in fact they are insignificant.
I am SO NOT in a good place tonight.