I haven't been sleeping well and I know it's due to all the stress I am under, trying to deal with too many changes all at one time. the most painful being the loss of my doggie Bella and of the loss of a 12 year relationship... everything seems like it happened so fast, right before my eyes and I had no control over any of it. all in the time frame of a month, my world has been turned upside down. it feels like I am numb, wondering WTF just happened.
if I am honest with myself, and God knows I am trying to be, I have to admit that my relationship was not the same the past few years, as it once was... and I am just beginning to realize that now, in retrospect. the loss of the person I am grieving is who she was, before she started becoming unhappy. she had become harsh and distant in many little ways, with me and with the kids. I just didn't see to what extreme it became, because I was right in it.
I don't miss the woman she became.. I miss and grieve the loss of who she was before she changed. we had a most beautiful love affair, and I felt content in every possible way. unhappiness can change people so much they become unrecognizable.. but I didn't want to see it.. I kept trying to put a square peg into a round hole.. pretending that it fit when it really didn't. I can see that now, this moment as I write this. I couldn't and didn't want to see it, before.
I had tiny little inklings here and there the past couple of years, of words spoken/not spoken and little behaviors I didn't like.. which were SO uncharacteristic of her.. and of myself.. for whatever reason, I dismissed them each and every time. and I KNOW I reacted with my own misbehaviors and harsh words, which changed me, as well. neither one of us are the same person we were, we have both changed as we reacted to the other's changes... and for the first time, I can see that now.