"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


..cOuld there pOssibly be a speck Of light...? even if just a speck, t'wasn't there befOre..

I haven't been sleeping well and I know it's due to all the stress I am under, trying to deal with too many changes all at one time. the most painful being the loss of my doggie Bella and of the loss of a 12 year relationship... everything seems like it happened so fast, right before my eyes and I had no control over any of it. all in the time frame of a month, my world has been turned upside down. it feels like I am numb, wondering WTF just happened.

if I am honest with myself, and God knows I am trying to be, I have to admit that my relationship was not the same the past few years, as it once was... and I am just beginning to realize that now, in retrospect. the loss of the person I am grieving is who she was, before she started becoming unhappy. she had become harsh and distant in many little ways, with me and with the kids. I just didn't see to what extreme it became, because I was right in it.

I don't miss the woman she became.. I miss and grieve the loss of who she was before she changed. we had a most beautiful love affair, and I felt content in every possible way. unhappiness can change people so much they become unrecognizable.. but I didn't want to see it.. I kept trying to put a square peg into a round hole.. pretending that it fit when it really didn't. I can see that now, this moment as I write this. I couldn't and didn't want to see it, before.

I had tiny little inklings here and there the past couple of years, of words spoken/not spoken  and little behaviors I didn't like.. which were SO  uncharacteristic of her.. and of myself.. for whatever reason, I dismissed them each and every time. and I KNOW I reacted with my own misbehaviors and harsh words, which changed me, as well. neither one of us are the same person we were, we have both changed as we reacted to the other's changes... and for the first time, I can see that now.

thanks Denise.



Jim said...

Now THAT was a step forward! My Mom always said, 'honesty is the best policy'!!
Now keep those feet of your taking one step at a time....forward.

Maria said...

Good for you. First step.

I promise you...and you won't believe me yet...but the first time you will be able to stop that poetic yearning and glossing her over and stand up and say, "Ok, she did me wrong. This is how she did it and this is what hurt, but I fucking refuse to turn her into some sort of saint," you will be able to start moving forward.

A friend of mine once went through a painful divorce and she called me one night and said, "You aren't going to believe this, but last night was the first time I drove home and didn't cry when I realized he wasn't there anymore and THEN..I started crying because I HAD NOT cried!"

It is now two years later and she has not remarried or dated, but she doesn't moon anymore and recently she told me that she'd heard that he'd re-married and she had no desire to even check his facebook page.

She even went through their anniversary and FORGOT it.

These things take time, but she would be the first to tell you that the day she refused to moon over him anymore was the day she started healing.

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, progress indeed! And, I'm happy (and a bit surprised!) to see Denise had a hand in this somehow! :)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

This sounds a lot like my marriage.
You are going to be ok. You are strong and you're going to come out of this even stronger.
There's a line in a country song that always hits me hard: "he's the one who will be missing you, and you'll only miss the man that you wanted him to be...."

Busy Bee Suz said...

Hugs to you my sweet friend. YOU are strong, you are woman. (I can hear you roar!) YOU will get through this.

Clippy Mat said...

Hey, just caught up on your last few heart-wrenching posts. If ANYONE deserves a medal for honesty and for baring their soul and analysing their own truths then it's you. It's very inspiring. I'm so sorry that you hurt so badly but I do see that there are many positives emerging into the light and you are beginning to see through the pain in many ways.
Big hugs:-)