"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/07/2012

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..My first day trying to remain faithful to a vow I made to myself last night, sucked. I failed. I did alright until late afternoon/early evening and then I broke down... Had to go cry it off in the bathroom at work, again. And whilst I was in there, I had to force myself to visualize parenthesis in my mind, separating her from me.. There we both were in fucking parenthesis just so I could get through the pain. I kept telling myself that it doesn't matter what she is doing, Or who with.. I am protected within my parenthesis... And then I cried even harder as pain ripped through me because I saw the pitiful FUCKING state of mind I was in... and I SO hated the version of me I saw..

Fucking parenthesis, really? 

How desperate am I and how far do I have to go doing crAzy things to get through this... I am only writing about it now because I have no pride left, for what anyone may think of me or how crazy I must sound.. I'm in so much pain I HAVE to get it out..

GET IT OUT.

Yeah, it was the time of day I always called home to talk to my baby.. But then it turned into every time I called, she was on the other line with Her. So remembering that, made the raw ache in my soul came forth full throttle and took my breath away..

I have Pandora radio playing in the background as I write. I can't believe how many songs hurt to hear, too many remind me of her, of US, of the happy times and love we shared. Yes, there will be many good, warm, loving memories to reflect on and treasure some day~ when I can look back at them through healed eyes.. and not the half dead ones I look through now.

C

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"I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing is better
'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time
Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you've gone, must be waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from looking for you
I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh.."

(Adele)

2 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

I love that Adele song. However, I'm sorry that it expresses the way you're feeling right now.

You are NOT pathetic. You are a woman who is in pain. Horrible, heart-aching pain, and you need to do whatever you need to do to get through it.

xoxox

Jim said...

Chris, don't be so hard on yourself! You will 'look' on occasion for anything from Diane.....that is only natural. You feel a need to hear from her, that's not a bad thing. You know you may not but are hanging in there. You are not a BAD person for expecting something from her. Stop beating yourself up when you 'weaken' and give in to these needs you need right now.