...I'm listening to Melissa Etheridge, one of my favorite artists. Her voice and sound and lyrics have a special way of relating to my pain, giving me hope and inspiration~ depending on the song. Regardless, her lyrics validate my own feelings. Right now as I write this, I'm caught between pain and hope, feeling one deeply and the other not so much. It's a fine fucking line to balance my heart on.
Ok, its confession time for me and I am not very proud of what I have done.. Which is the real reason for my post tonight. Although I am having great difficulty writing this out, I am making myself do so. (takes deep breath, BIG sigh.. wipes the tears... ok, here it is)
..I am guilty of looking for messages from Diane on FB, my blog, and in email. I have felt like a starving person looking for a small meal... and never finding even a crumb. I am ashamed and embarrassed of my desperateness. It hurts me to not hear from her, and it hurts me to hear from her, because she is now cold and distant towards me.. Not even responding to my messages even if they are about the kids~ And I don't really comprehend that..
So, I have decided if this is how she needs to be in order to move on, then so be it. Who am I to say she's wrong in doing so? Who would she be to judge how I am handling my own grief? We both need to get through this break-up somehow. We are only human and have to do whatever is needed to heal ourselves and get past this. For weeks, my focus has been on me, ME, me... rather than stepping back, being fair, and trying to understand the big picture and see her side of this. My hurt has blinded my selfishness which has blinded my clarity. I have no right to judge how she needs to do things to get through, I can only tend to my own weeds in my own garden and pluck them out until there is nothing but flowers and sunshine to nurture them to grow.
The only control I really have in all of this is how I react, how I cope, and what I do from here. I have the choice to hang on and beg her for the words I want to hear.. Words she is incapable of meaning even if she placated me and said them..
The other choice I have is to make a conscience effort to let go, let her go, LET THE WOMAN I LOVE PAST THE POINT OF DYING, go..
And it fucking hurts like hell.
I need to free myself and move on with my life. I NEED to do that. I HAVE to do that. Or I will die. it really is that simple.
I have painfully come to the conclusion that if I continue looking for any signs, proof, or sentiments that I meant something to her, I will NOT get any consolation, I will just contribute more to my own pain, my own sadness, my fucking insanity of loss. I am forcing myself to write this out, to make a vow to at least ATTEMPT to help myself... Even though in the depths of my soul, I am screaming for my life because the one I love has left me... I still love her, but there isn't a fucking thing I can do about it.
I make this vow under the light of the moon and stars, the same ones who shine down on my baby on the other side of the world... And in the presence of God, who knows my heart.. That I will do my best to let her go..
I want to live simply, peacefully, doing things MY way when I WANT and with WHOM. I am done looking for MY contentment and MY happiness in Diane's pocket. she doesn't have the power to give me those things. she never did.. no one has.
I AND ONLY I HAVE THE POWER TO GIVE ME THOSE THINGS. I HAVE TO ARRANGE MY LIFE SO IT BRINGS ME HAPPINESS. I AM IN CHARGE OF WHAT I PLACE INTO IT, AND WHAT I KEEP OUT. I have known this for a long time, yet lost sight of it.
I need to start looking at her leaving me as a GIFT to myself, rather than a death. Its all in perception, isn't it..? Its all in how you look at something, right..? I have to cut that part of my life off, cold turkey. I cannot remain just friends with her, I cannot keep trying to find out how she is doing.. My feelings are too deep to do so.
And I deserve to be free of this bastard dagger that is stuck in my heart.
I have honest intentions of following through with this vow to myself.. I truly don't know if I can do it but I will try with every ounce of energy I possess.
I have also been strategically placing affirmations and words of courage that give me strength, throughout my apartment. I want to feel peace where ever I look, and give myself hope and support and love. I'm the only one who can. I am going to get plants again, so I can have life around me, I have felt dead inside for too long.
"Oh I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I've built my life around you..."
"I'm looking for someone who can take as much as I give, give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live..."
"never mind I'll find someone like you.. I wish nothing but the best for you, don't forget me I begged, I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.."