"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/13/2012

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I've been attempting to compose a post for the past 3 days and I end up deleting each one. Why? because I'm sick of hearing myself cry and whine about my pain and complain about how Diane hurt me. I spoke with her yesterday for about an hour~ I found out things I wish I hadn't, like how many years she stayed without being happy or loving me. And I need to find a way to sort through that and let it go. I've been analyzing our relationship until I am ready to scream, no matter how I look at it, it's not right, it's not fair, and it's certainly not honest. I don't even fucking know what was real and what was all pretend, in our 12 years together.

She is not the person I fell in love with, and I do not like who she has become. I don't want to hear anymore reasons for the lies, they don't make any sense... They are just excuses to try to justify that which she never should have done to me. In the end, she thinks I am a weak person who will always be depressed and "she cant love that."

I'm done, SO done. I do still hurt more than I can say, but realizing she has changed into someone I don't even recognize for the sake of her own well being, but at my expense, is just as hurtful as anyone can be. And I can't allow myself to keep getting hurt over the same bullshit time after time. I can't have a conversation with her because I can't understand why she did what she did the ways she did it. And she apparently can't comprehend why what she did hurt me so much, she thinks I'm "over reacting, that "I should be over it by now."  

I'll be over it in MY timing, not hers or anyone else's. It has barely been a month that she told me she was leaving me, didn't love me anymore, and going back to England. I had NO clue she felt that way. She on the other hand, has been processing this for years, and told her X about it all before she told me.. initially she lied by saying she never discussed our relationship with the X. But then I saw part of a conversation she'd left open on FB and saw that indeed she had, not only that, but they were making fun of me and laughing about it.

Her excuse for lying to me was "to spare my feelings about how she felt."  If that weren't enough, the two of them began planning her return to England, behind my back, without my knowledge. And it didn't just occur recently when she told me about it. It had been going on since I started my new job last August. And for all I know, maybe even longer. Last year  she secretly asked her X to send her the paperwork she needed to legalize her passport again, which was going to take several weeks. So they planned out that she had to get an emergency document to return ASAP because she couldn't wait the few weeks for the passport to process. And in order to get it, she made up a shit story about becoming homeless soon, due to ME kicking her out of our home, even wrote she feared for her life and was in danger.

It was all composed when I got home from work, and she expected me to understand that it had to be like this in order to get her emergency documents so she didn't have to spend anymore time here waiting on the passport. She couldn't wait to get away from me, and get back to her country. And obviously, her X.

They were so giddy on FB, couldn't wait to see each other again, both feeling the "flutterbyes in their tummies..."  How the fucking hell did she think that made me feel like? I was losing the love of my life and there she was being all giddy with her X.

And I'm supposed to have believed her when she said they were "just friends, nothing more." The only time I get flutterbyes in my tummy is when I'm thinking about having sex...

Each and every day the last month she was here, there was something new I discovered like this, and I just was engulfed with pain. I called into work a few times because I knew I couldn't perform my job.

"Somewhere along the line, I fell out of love with you. I thought it was just me, a mid-life crisis, time of the month, who knows."

It's quite easy being so nonchalant when you aren't the one being left and torn apart. There have been too many betrayals behind my back, too many lies, too many games, and I am fucking sick of being caught up in that kind of pain. I hurt SO badly I was contemplating ending it all, because I felt I couldn't live without her.

Knowing what I know now, I would be kicking my own ass for being stupid enough for doing such a thing, over her. She isn't worth it. She broke my heart, it will never be the same again, for me. And my trust issues have been flushed down the toilet.

But I will find a way to move on and forget about her because I don't know who she is anymore, and I don't want her in any part of my life because I will always be the one who gets hurt. I don't want to hate her, either. I want to feel nothing for her, nothing... just indifference.

I can't respect someone who betrayed me in so many ways, too many times... and of all people, with her X girlfriend whom she never really got over. Found that out, too. And guess what.. that's where she is staying now.

I am so hurt and I am so enraged... ENRAGED that both of those emotions are intertwined and woven throughout my soul... I have to sort them out and then let them go.

I just don't know how to..

C

7 comments:

greg said...

She needs to tell herself whatever she can so that she could look in the mirror day after day. If she really faced the truth of how disgusting her actions were, she wouldn't be able to live with herself. Awful. I'm sorry, C.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

When you said: "They are just excuses to try to justify that which she never should have done to me." Boy did that ring a bell with me. The person who walks away will say things to make themselves feel better. That is the only way they can deal with the guilt. The sad part is all the we discover after the fact, the things we should have seen but didn't because love is blind. I am glad you are figuring so many of these things out so soon. Not that it makes your pain less but it will make the healing process come sooner. ((HUGS))

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Oh, C. My heart is aching for you. Just aching.
I can somewhat identify because although John swore that he loved me, his actions since we separated have said otherwise. I am now doubting that he ever really loved me.
I pray that you will find peace and the pain will end very soon.
xoxoxo

kristi said...

I think she should have talked to you. That is just wrong!

Maria said...

I can deal with the idea that she fell out of love with you and didn't wish to hurt you, wanted to spare your feelings..

But, the making fun of you with the Ex is inexcusable. That is just not done, it is bottom scum behavior.

Anger is good right now, believe it or not. I was getting worried that you were going to stay in pain mode forever and that is no way to heal. Anger jettisons you away from the relationship and it actually healthy. It is RIGHT to be angry when someone you love hurts you. To be honest, I think you were allowing yourself to be a doormat for a very long time and that was not helping you and just giving her license to justify her actions.

Anger is good. Hold on to it and suck on it for a while. Then, one day it will begin to dissipate and that is when the best part comes: indifference.

Maria said...

One more thing: I look forward to the day when SHE calls YOU and not vice versa...and you are sorry, but too busy to talk.

And for god sakes...DO NOT SLIP back. It will be hard not to, because I strongly suspect that she will eventually find that she wants a doormat again. And if she can't get it from her Ex (and frankly, there is a reason that the ex is the ex...and now that the sneaking around part is over, I suspect that a lot of the passion will abate too), she will look to you.

Stay calm. Let yourself be angry but not in a destructive way, and then...find ways to laugh in your life and that will be your door away..and out.

C said...

thank you everyone. you are helping me pull through...