I am SO sorry if you are reading this shit today, on the day for those of you in love. this year, it's just a Tuesday to me, I am embarrassed to express such pain on this day but I have no place else to go with it. I SO apologize if it takes away even a fume of a smidgen of celebration for anyone.
I honestly keep trying to move on, sometimes one hour at a time, others, like right now... a moment at a time. but it seems that every time I think I am just starting to possibly be minutely just maybe a tad OK, something comes around that re-opens the wound. I found this tidy little convo on my fucking phone today, of all days... as I was clearing old messages..
"not gloomy I see, is all well?
yes, I'm doing great! did you see what I wrote? I'm coming home!!!
for just a visit?
no, for good!
where will you settle, in Wiltshire?
Melksham, just a small town, I'll be with Karen again, God I missed her so much. I should have done this a long time ago."
when I saw this, the blood in my veins went icy cold, I felt light headed, my heart was racing and I thought I was going to pass out.. instead I just cried my heart out, again.
seeing her own words speaking her sentiment cut me like a fucking knife... she stuck it into my soul and chopped it to shreds. it hurt SO bad, I can't even say. it hurts to breathe right now, for me. everything I suspected all along was said in that brief little conversation. and I FUCKING hate her for betraying me, for hurting my kids, and for having our sweet dog put down just so she could be free to go back to HER.
so now what? what am I supposed to do with this info? Fuck, I feel so stupid, she really pulled a lot of shit over on me. I can NOT stand this pain, I CANNOT. I need to be free of it. I have NEVER been SO hurt in all of my life. and the irony in this nightmare is that I WANT to move on and forget that I ever knew her, but the pain is SO raw and deep, I feel like I am drowning in it, over and over and over again, each time the water is deeper and it's harder for me to get to the surface.
why has she done this to me? it would have been easier on all of us if she had just been honest at the time her feelings changed, IF in FACT they were EVER really there. my kids were SO hurt when she left. she was the only other parent they trusted and had. I am fucking blown away at the cruelty she has put us all through.
no wonder she didn't want me to move there with her, I would have fucked up her plans to be with Karen again. Karen, who is supposed to be in love with a guy she's lived with for some 23 odd years.. she made up some bullshit story that they were going to marry. I can see now it was just meant to deflect the truth that Diane WAS going back to HER..
Yesseree Bob, she's doing just great. Fuck those of us she left for dead.