"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


...My sister read my last post and she said she doesn't see Diane's words to mean the same things I do.

...I am not in any way trying to slander Diane, here. I am just expressing how I feel, and all that really matters is what I believe and what I know, because I am the one who has to live with myself. Why would I "choose" to believe the worst when all it does is twist the knife into my heart even deeper.

...I am not a glutton for punishment. I don't want to live with knowing I was left for another, that I was used, lied to, made fun of, and that half the years spent with me were fake because she couldn't admit the truth about how she felt.

...I'd also like to know how one can get past the memories, the looking back and seeing everything from a different angle, now that I know it wasn't what I thought it to be at the time. When I do that, it makes me feel like such a fool for believing it was as special and meaningful to her as it was to me.

...I realize, even as I write this, that I am prolonging my own pain by not letting this go... By talking about on here, by going over and over the betrayals and lies until I feel like a fucking crazy person. But I don't know how to deal with it any other way. if there are other ways, please tell me.

...I often caught Diane looking as if she were lost in far away thoughts.. and when I'd ask her what she was thinking to make her appear so forlorn, she'd always say it was random things that didn't really mean much. Now, I think those were the times she was wondering and/or maybe planning to leave. I'll never know but I keep thinking about that kind of crap that shouldn't matter to me now, but it still does.

...Even with all she has hurt me with, I feel sadness that she wasn't happy, that she couldn't come to me and talk about it, because I thought we were close enough to talk about anything with each other. I let her down somehow and for that, I am sorry.

...It doesn't mean I am approaching forgiveness, I cant say if I ever will at this point but I hope to release my anger and pain one day and reach indifference. But I have always been built this way... People hurt me and somewhere amongst my sadness I feel sorry for them at the same time, as if they are worth more than I am.

...I can honestly remember feeling that way about my dad many times, as my mother was beating on him and degrading him, because he'd been cheating on her. I didn't realize the pain that must have put in her heart, and yet I felt sorry for him even though he was in the wrong.

...I have often had a difficult time holding people accountable for their actions, because I feel bad if they feel embarrassed or hurt due to their own actions.. So it has always been my way to accept the blame or the consequences rather than see them suffer an embarrassment or "feel bad" when they SHOULD feel bad for what they did. All I know right now is that I am sad for what I am going through, and also to think that I have let Diane down or done or said anything to hurt her.

(Somebody kick the shit outta me, will ya?)



kristi said...

You sound like you just want to find the good in others, I am the same way but it does come a time when you have to walk away with your dignity. You will get there.

Clippy Mat said...

It's understandable to feel the way you feel after so long together. Don't beat yourself up about it.

It happened, and sometimes it's just nobody's fault! So looking for past signs in her and failures on your part is not helpful. It's NOT your fault.
Hang in there. You are doing great.