About that last post, I had a weak moment. I let myself wallow in the grief until some one later told me to remember how she treated me in the final days, and to think about the things she said to hurt me.
And it's true. the person I am grieving, and missing SO fucking much~ Doesn't exist any longer. I need to look at it as if she died, I guess that's not too far from the truth. I don't want the person she became in the end, when she was betraying me, in such a hurry to leave.. and distant, cold, and harsh. I don't ever want to feel like that again, EVER. It was horrible for me.
What I am trying to say is that I am so very grateful to have known the love we had in our early years, it was magnificently wonderful, and I will treasure it until I die. But that's where I have to draw the line, and let the bad parts go. Her lack of becoming legal here, ate away at her identity until she lost herself, and her direction. She began to place her resentments towards me, and we all know where that took us.
And I think Karen coming back into the picture brought back a familiarity that Diane just couldn't pass up. And they rekindled something they used to have. I love Diane enough to want her to be happy, even if that doesn't include me. I just never thought it would be so painful when the time came to do so. Had it been a mutual break-up, I could have done it better. But the fact that it happened like it did, with lies, betrayals, and harshness.. For me was like throwing a wrench in a spinning motor. I find it so difficult to let go from where I stand as a result of her behaviors.
I need to print this out and hang it up where I can see it every day. To remind myself that the version of Diane I loved, is gone... Never to be again no matter how many tears I shed or how many times I beg God to change things. I feel like a bitch saying this but, Karen can definitely help herself to my left overs. If she scrapes the pan, there may be enough for one small serving.. But the stale crust will need to be thrown away.
OH NOOOO, SHE DIDN'T...
OH YES, I TOTALLY DID...