"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.



About that last post, I had a weak moment. I let myself wallow in the grief until some one later told me to remember how she treated me in the final days, and to think about the things she said to hurt me.


And it's true. the person I am grieving, and missing SO fucking much~ Doesn't exist any longer. I need to look at it as if she died, I guess that's not too far from the truth. I don't want the person she became in the end, when she was betraying me, in such a hurry to leave.. and distant, cold, and harsh. I don't ever want to feel like that again, EVER. It was horrible for me.


What I am trying to say is that I am so very grateful to have known the love we had in our early years, it was magnificently wonderful, and I will treasure it until I die. But that's where I have to draw the line, and let the bad parts go. Her lack of becoming legal here, ate away at her identity until she lost herself, and her direction. She began to place her resentments towards me, and we all know where that took us.


And I think Karen coming back into the picture brought back a familiarity that Diane just couldn't pass up. And they rekindled something they used to have. I love Diane enough to want her to be happy, even if that doesn't include me. I just never thought it would be so painful when the time came to do so. Had it been a mutual break-up, I could have done it better. But the fact that it happened like it did, with lies, betrayals, and harshness.. For me was like throwing a wrench in a spinning motor. I find it so difficult to let go from where I stand as a result of her behaviors.


I need to print this out and hang it up where I can see it every day. To remind myself that the version of Diane I loved, is gone... Never to be again no matter how many tears I shed or how many times I beg God to change things. I feel like a bitch saying this but, Karen can definitely help herself to my left overs. If she scrapes the pan, there may be enough for one small serving.. But the stale crust will need to be thrown away.






ChiTown Girl said...

Atta girl!!

Clippy Mat said...

Yes! You are so right.
good for you.
hugs :~)

Maria said...

There is a psych trick that actually works, I think. Let yourself have a good memory of Diane. Savor it, run it over your insides. Hold it in your right hand. Now, think of something awful that she said or did to you. Endure it,let it snake around your insides. Hold it in your left hand. The left one weighs more, as it should. The right one has less weight because, in the end, her bad moments overcame the good.

Chris, are you quite sure that her "lack of identity" is what changed it all? This doesn't feel genuine to me. It feels like a cop out.

You will have many, many weak times so don't kick yourself. What riles me is thinking that she is reading this blog and thinking herself some great love that you will never get over. Someone who behaved as she did is no keeper, Chris. If I were you, I'd write her consulate and let them know that she bullied you into signing those papers. It won't matter much...unless she tires of her current unshipworthy relationship and tries to come back. Then, it might gum up the machinery a bit. And, c'mon...you don't really want her back, do you? You are a person of great value and have much to offer. She showed her true colors and maybe, if she has any courage in her, she might look into a mirror one day and flinch at what she sees, what she did to you.

jo.irish.rose said...

Toone, you are such a strong person!!! You HAVE and will overcome this too! Print it out! Reread it! The pain will be there but like a fresh surgery, it will take time to heal and along with "therapy" (which may be actual therapy or for you writing and your friends??) your healing will come...each day is a little better. You will have weak moments, a song, something you did together, a sight, whatever. But that will heal too!! Look how long it took for you to get over David! Even now you still hear "your" song! It is just a time thing, and you know in you mind how it works, you just have to tell your lil broken hear that!! Know that I love very much and promise you that you will survive this one too! xxxxxx Wish I was there to squish you!!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, yeah YOU did go there!
Stale crust. Ouch. I like it though.
You rock...and you will be rocking life again very soon.
Be strong. (BEE strong)

C said...

thanks to all, maria i dont know what the fuck is truth anymore, there is so much info that doesnt even fit or make sense.