I know couples break up all the time over many different reasons. Some go on with ease and find another. and some struggle like me, like I am.
I figured out why my break-up with Diane seems harder and more painful than my divorce. Losing Diane was losing some one I connected with on a deep intellectual/emotional level. We had more conversations about history, religion, worldly matters, and life, than I could even count.
If I had a question about summit, she could always explain it to my understanding. I loved hearing her tell stories and talking about true events. She enabled me to view things from a different angle.
She was so knowledgeable with SO many things, I was always amazed at how much she knew, and we'd spend hours talking, discussing things- She brought out and nurtured my intellectual side and taught me so much. For the first time in my life, I felt satisfied in that particular need. Any topic was made interesting to me, because of how she explained it.
I never had that kind of relationship with David. We never did talk past the point, he kept conversations superficial and general. He didn't really have many opinions or knowledge about such things, he wasn't uneducated by any means, he just did not enjoy talking about stuff in depth...
And sadly, I have never been able to find that kind of connection with any man, not even those who weren't love interests. I have found that most straight men can only go to a certain point and then they get uneasy, maybe even frightened of revealing too much, specially when it comes to the F word... "FEELINGS."
And I've only found it with one other woman years ago, before Diane. Her name was Robin, she was just a friend, and even though we were able to discuss the craziest things, I went further with her in conversation than I had ever known before, BUT she holds no candle to Diane.
Robin could only go so far and it became too much for her. I wanted to expand until I felt satisfied. I find it so frustrating to have a conversation end when I have more to say or more to explore.
But at the time, I had nothing to compare what Robin and I shared, to. It's only since Diane that I realize what a gift we had. Diane and I had that with each other. She always said Karen wasn't capable of what we had, either. It's rare, I tell you. RARE to find that.
Our hunger for knowledge and conversation matched, and filled us both up. We differed on some things, enlightened each other on others, but it was always fun. Diane has been the ONLY person SO FAR that could "Take as much as I give, give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live." (Indigo Girls)
That connection was so important and treasured to me, it's just so painful to lose that. She really was my best friend. And I'm scared shitless that I will never have that again with another. In my opinion, it's that kind of soul to soul connection that can't be replaced.
There will be fun & laughter for me again, maybe romance and hopefully sex... But I'd gladly go with out those to have the other. The connection was a once in a lifetime gift. I'm scared it only happens once. Because, to be frank, once just isn't enough for me. I'm not done, not ready to give that piece up.. I need it to satisfy my soul.
I know it sounds like I am still giving her a lot of power over me, it's not that, it's just that it takes two to have something like I'm talking about, it isn't summit I can create on my own.
I realized tonight at work that I miss that aspect of "US" more than I can even say. Two co-workers of mine were discussing all things Vatican, and it painfully reminded me of one of the good things we shared in our relationship. Yes, there were very good parts once upon a time, I want to remember them, and forget the painful ones.
So many layers upon layers of deconstructing this relationship, when will it cease... When will I get to the point where the grieving slips into indifference then finds it's way to inner peace, and gratitude. When will I be able to start living again rather than just making it through one day at a time...
I want to get there.
I want to get there.
I WANT TO GET THERE....
I am so sad, and I hurt SO deeply...
Diane was my home.
And now, it hurts when I breathe.