..My blog seems to be the only place I can express my feelings right now. And even saying that, I'm half expecting some one to tell me to shut the fuck up about my loss, because it's too intense, too hard to hear about, and they are sick of hearing about it.. But I need the safety of being able to put my pain on paper.. I just cant contain it.
..My youngest sister Jo arrived here the day Diane left, to be with me in the hopes of helping me through this. My other sister Denise who lives here, is also here if I need her. And my 4 kids, who are hurting themselves, are being as supportive as they can be. I appreciate them all, as I do those of my peeps on here who offer such kind words.
..Although I am so very grateful to have people in my life who love me, and care about me... I cant help but break down in their presence.. And I know it hurts them and they feel helpless. They want to fix this, take away my pain, as I would for any one of them if it were the other way around... But honestly, there isn't anything any one I love, can say or do to lessen my pain. I feel like a shit heel even saying that, but I cannot put on a brave face here, when it's the only place I can vent and be honest with myself.
I texted my sister several times through out my shift @ work, tonight.. saying how much pain I am in or that I am in the bathroom crying it out... she doesn't even know what to say, bless her.. I am beginning to feel very burdensome to those who care about me. Everyone says each day will get easier, that time will heal me, but it doesn't.
..I keep thinking about the time difference from here and England, where my baby is now... Wondering what she is doing, and who with. I torture myself with thoughts I could not admit out loud. And then I hurt SO deeply at the thoughts I create in my mind, that I don't want to be here any more. I am NOT suicidal. I don't want to die... I just want this fucking pain to stop.
And I feel as though I am the only one suffering like this. I feel as though something is wrong with my psyche because I am lacking whatever mechanism or coping skill it is that normal people have inside to cope with this kind of wrenching, twisting pain.
..Before Diane left, we had many many talks about how hard this is, and although I know she was experiencing the loss as well, she had a strength I didn't have.. A courage and determination to do what she needed to do for herself, regardless of how it affected anyone else... And I envy that.. She certainly is stronger than me.
..Why cant I have that strength or whatever it's called? Are my abandonment issues SO deep that there is no hope for me? I need to find a way to fight the part of me who is dying inside, and find the part of me who really wants to live and be at peace again. I am scared shitless of failing myself, because I know I am the only one who can help myself recover. One of my peeps left a comment on my last post that said "Never let your happiness depend on another person. People will always do what's best for themselves in the end."
..Thank you, Otin for reminding me of that. I did learn that along the way, but lost sight of it. The thing is, that was how I was raised.. To always look outside myself for the answers, to rely on another to make me happy.. Giving away all my power until I believed I was helpless. My mother controlled everything that should have been mine alone, right from the start... Things she should have encouraged in me to blossom and how to develop my own skills and strengths.. But everything I was, every aspect of my being, the way I looked at the world and processed my thoughts... all danced to her tune rather than my own. I didn't have the life skills I needed to become whole or to individuate from her.
When she died in 1989, I was left an empty shell of a person, without direction of what to do next. I had no identity other than being who she trained and needed me to be, for her own purpose. I was a 34 year old child who was abandoned and had no fucking clue of who I was.. Even though at the time I was a wife and a mother of two.
I spent the next 15 years trying to find myself and my purpose. And I did find it, I thought.. Raising my kids on my own, putting myself through college, developing a career I had always wanted.. It was enough, for a while..
..But here I am, feeling like I am back to square one, again. I've lost my direction, and I am basing my happiness on another.. AGAIN.. who has left me, just as my parents both did, just like my husband did, just like Diane did, and just like I have done to myself.
..That HAS to be why it feels like she holds the key to my happiness. I gave her that power... and where is it? On the other side of the world, out of my reach, leaving me to feel abandoned once more. ..It's no wonder I am grieving so deeply over our break up... I have given Diane my power on a fucking silver tray and it has left me feeling no sense of control over any aspect of my life right now. I am FUCKING GRIEVING FOR THE LOSS OF MY SELF... because a part of me believes nothing in my life will mean as much without Diane... and if I let myself continue to believe that way, I will end up losing my battle.
..I HAVE to believe that it doesn't matter what she does with herself, her body, her heart, or her life.. It cant affect me unless I let it. And I have been letting it, even encouraging it.
..This is a huge break through revelation for me, I need to process this. And I do remember being here before.. When David left us, I spent time in the same cage with the same lions who tried to destroy me... Every person I have truly loved in my life, has left me, taking my soul with them, leaving me feeling helpless, and so alone I couldn't even feel God..
..No wonder it hurts so much. Can there be anything more devastatingly painful than the abandonment of one's self, really?
..But I prevailed. I took charge of my power.
..And for the very first time since I found out she was leaving, I have a teeny tiny teensy weeny reflection of a glimmer of micro sized hope. Hope that I will get through this pain. Hope that I can live simply, and in peace. Hope that one day I will be truly happy and content, even if I am alone.
"Embrace Your Self"