"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


AnGeR is nOt juSt a fiVe letter wOrd.


...it makes no sense to me, all the things she said, all the things she said, all the things she said and didn't say, in the name of my benefit... to spare my feelings. all it did was hurt me more when I found out the truth, and that it was all planned behind my back. not even given the courtesy of my insignificant input, even as it involved me.. I had nO say, in any of it...




all the while denying, denying, denying... leaving me to doubt and question my own instincts.

such a fool I am... such a godamn foolish stupid foolly fool. not a word of concern about how I am doing, nor a mention of how she is... not a smidgen of missing me. not even a fucking update of how things turned out for her, after all.

no thanks for the surprise of money. no mention of the sentiment which poured out from my broken heart in the note. 3 little words is all I got. 3 lousy, useless, insignificant, cold little words... compared to the endless phone calls and messages she had with her.

Her who is supposed to be just a friend, a BEST friend, at that. what does that make me... I thought I was her best friend... cant have two ya know..

lies are just words, aren't they? deceit is just a game, isn't it? planning and plotting and waiting for just the right moment... for the tiger to pounce on the lamb... leaving it helpless as it lays dying...

having a good imagination is my enemy right now. it's working overtime, overtime, overtime... shredding me to bits in pure agony... it never stops.. torture of the worst kind, day in- day out... every hour, every minute, every fucking breathing moment..

even my dreams aren't safe from this death grip. I cant eat... I can't sleep.. I wake up in a panic initially hoping I'm in a nightmare, then like a cold hard slap in the face, realizing it's MY reality and mine alone. no one shares in my pain, not even the other half of me across the pond..

I am haunted every fucking bastard fucking moment until I cant stand being ME...

I cant STAND being me.

but there is no where to go..

no where.




joe said...

You don't lose when you lose fake friends.

joe said...

... not to be "off-topic", although I am, I was looking at your scary thermometer and I'm scratching my head trying to figure out what "pantomime horses" are...

Maria said...

I kind of thought this might be the issue. Just a feeling.

Here's the deal. You HAVE to sit up and take hold. I know you don't want to, I know you are scared and I know you are enraged and hurting. But, you must keep walking.

You can't change her. You can't change anything. Rage will kill you. Don't worry about absolution. It comes (if it comes) when it is ready and not a second before. But, you must stop torturing yourself. Did you have a part in this story? Of course you did. But, now it is time to go on ahead and make a new story.

You aren't dead yet, so you aren't finished. And I know this is going to sound out of reach to you right now...but the best revenge is really to live well. Begging, pleading..make you look and feel weak. Sitting up and taking hold makes you look and feel stronger.

You will have to fake it for a while. And then, I PROMISE you, you will wake up one day and realize that you aren't faking it anymore. Doesn't seem possible now, I know. But that day will come.

Unless you let you yourself sink. And you have far too much to give to this world to do that. Now, get up and wipe your face off and put one foot in front of the other.

You will be fine one day. I promise.

sophie...^5 said...

OMG>>>>>LISTEN to MARIA...she's the cat's meow and Sophie's woof...this is all young and fresh...put some time and age onto this life experience....Go and prove that you are living well....WE know you can do that.
PS..have no idea why your recent comments came from your sis's bloggy...solar flare maybe!
Your friend Ron and Sophie's lap person!

Clippy Mat said...

Wow: What Maria said, only she said it way better than I ever could. She is so right. I think you should follow her advice and keep it in the forefront of your mind as you go thru this.

ChiTown Girl said...

Holy mother fucker!!!! I did NOT see that coming.

Maria said it best. PLEASE heed her words of wisdom.

Holy fuck, C, I want to fly down there right now and just hug the shit out of you. Fuck!!!

Anonymous said...

You have absolutely been betrayed and have every right to feel this way. BUT. Through this fog you are in right now, please try to see the bigger picture. This life - it's short and it goes by quickly. The only thing you have is who you are. Hold on to who you are because things like this can change a person. How you deal with this right now will move you forward to a better place. Be sad, be upset, be angry - but don't compromise yourself. Don't give her that kind of power over you. xoxo