...it makes no sense to me, all the things she said, all the things she said, all the things she said and didn't say, in the name of my benefit... to spare my feelings. all it did was hurt me more when I found out the truth, and that it was all planned behind my back. not even given the courtesy of my insignificant input, even as it involved me.. I had nO say, in any of it...
all the while denying, denying, denying... leaving me to doubt and question my own instincts.
such a fool I am... such a godamn foolish stupid foolly fool. not a word of concern about how I am doing, nor a mention of how she is... not a smidgen of missing me. not even a fucking update of how things turned out for her, after all.
no thanks for the surprise of money. no mention of the sentiment which poured out from my broken heart in the note. 3 little words is all I got. 3 lousy, useless, insignificant, cold little words... compared to the endless phone calls and messages she had with her.
Her who is supposed to be just a friend, a BEST friend, at that. what does that make me... I thought I was her best friend... cant have two ya know..
lies are just words, aren't they? deceit is just a game, isn't it? planning and plotting and waiting for just the right moment... for the tiger to pounce on the lamb... leaving it helpless as it lays dying...
having a good imagination is my enemy right now. it's working overtime, overtime, overtime... shredding me to bits in pure agony... it never stops.. torture of the worst kind, day in- day out... every hour, every minute, every fucking breathing moment..
even my dreams aren't safe from this death grip. I cant eat... I can't sleep.. I wake up in a panic initially hoping I'm in a nightmare, then like a cold hard slap in the face, realizing it's MY reality and mine alone. no one shares in my pain, not even the other half of me across the pond..
I am haunted every fucking bastard fucking moment until I cant stand being ME...
I cant STAND being me.
but there is no where to go..