"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

1/31/2012

yes we WERE happy...

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I came on here with the intention of pleading with and begging someone, ANYONE- to take my pain away.. I cant handle it much longer. I couldn't get through work tonight without the rawness of the pain eating away at me, sending me quite a few times to the bathroom to cry it out. My work tonight was less than productive. I looked forward to going to work when Diane and I were still "us" but now it feels so lonely being there, probably because I know I wont be coming home to my baby.

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I am trying to keep a brave face on, but inside I feel dead. How can one body make so many tears? And how can my heart keep on beating without it's reason for doing so?

I have been analyzing every bit of our 12 years together, trying to figure out what I could have done differently or done more of or not have done at all, that would have kept her happy.

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But even as I write that, I know I cant make anyone happy but myself. I know I cant change anything but myself... and I certainly need to find a way to let go of all of my feelings toward her, it's only hurting me to acknowledge them even when I need to express my sorrow..

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I just don't know how to, yet. and my heart screams out how the fuck can she live without me... how can she just walk away from everything we had... doesn't she even miss me...

Am I a sick bitch for wanting her to ache the way I ache, to cry the enormity of tears I have been crying.. hoping it would prove that I was loved by her, validating that she will miss the same little things about me that I do about her? That she will be as empty inside as I am..

On second thought, no I don't wish that pain on her.. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy..

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my God, I hurt so fucking much... I don't know how much longer I can tolerate the torture of this pain.

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So many of you have written the kindest of comments, I have felt your support and I thank each one of you most sincerely. I am doing the best I can at the moment even though I know it's not enough. Thank you for being there.

C

5 comments:

otin said...

More than likely she never stopped loving you. It sounds like the external pressures around her put her in a position where she became so homesick that she had to make a choice between going back and continuing a relationship. When she chose to go back it meant that she needed to sever ties with you completely, otherwise it would have just been a continuing emotional struggle. I'm sure that she is hurting inside.

My mother always said."Never let your happiness depend on another person. People will always do what's best for themselves in the end." Maybe its not great advice, but there's a truth to it.

Busy Bee Suz said...

C~
I think that you worrying about what YOU did wrong is not a great direction for your thoughts right now. YOU did what you did in love, in respect, in a relationship. I don't want you to pin this on YOU....you know what I mean? It takes two to make things work and you did the best you could.
I am thinking of you sister, and I know you will get through this heartache. It just sucks donkey balls right now.
I hope you can feel my virtual hugs!!!
xoxoxoxoxo

Clippy Mat said...

just take it one day at a time Chris. Keep well and don't beat yourself up. You are dealing with so much right now and I hope that your writing, which is so insightful, is helping.
Big hugs,
x

sophie...^5 said...

Since I've met you Christine I have watched your world from the extremes...from sheer joy to aching pain...you are living life and heaven and hell are both on this earth. Strength will get you through it...remember she is undoubtedly in the very same boat as you...only rowing on the other side. Take time, take loads of time and put everything into work...make someone happy for a split second or for 10 minutes each day or every other day...what ever works. You make us laugh and smile so much and we know you can get this back...hugs...Ron

Debby@Just Breathe said...

When I went through a divorce years ago I went to get help to deal with my pain. When someone dies we grieve but we have something we can put our mind around. We we divorce that person is still present in this world. I think you are kinda facing both through what has happened. It hurts so bad and I am so sorry that you are going through something that is so tragic. We have to look for little bits of things to be grateful for. My heart really aches for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))