I came on here with the intention of pleading with and begging someone, ANYONE- to take my pain away.. I cant handle it much longer. I couldn't get through work tonight without the rawness of the pain eating away at me, sending me quite a few times to the bathroom to cry it out. My work tonight was less than productive. I looked forward to going to work when Diane and I were still "us" but now it feels so lonely being there, probably because I know I wont be coming home to my baby.
I am trying to keep a brave face on, but inside I feel dead. How can one body make so many tears? And how can my heart keep on beating without it's reason for doing so?
I have been analyzing every bit of our 12 years together, trying to figure out what I could have done differently or done more of or not have done at all, that would have kept her happy.
But even as I write that, I know I cant make anyone happy but myself. I know I cant change anything but myself... and I certainly need to find a way to let go of all of my feelings toward her, it's only hurting me to acknowledge them even when I need to express my sorrow..
I just don't know how to, yet. and my heart screams out how the fuck can she live without me... how can she just walk away from everything we had... doesn't she even miss me...
Am I a sick bitch for wanting her to ache the way I ache, to cry the enormity of tears I have been crying.. hoping it would prove that I was loved by her, validating that she will miss the same little things about me that I do about her? That she will be as empty inside as I am..
On second thought, no I don't wish that pain on her.. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy..
my God, I hurt so fucking much... I don't know how much longer I can tolerate the torture of this pain.
So many of you have written the kindest of comments, I have felt your support and I thank each one of you most sincerely. I am doing the best I can at the moment even though I know it's not enough. Thank you for being there.