"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.



I am in tears as I write this, because Diane is on her way back to England. Also because it's so painful to allow anyone to see into my pain... Some of you have asked if there was more to the story than just the gay legal injustices, because I have said I will never see Diane again.

That is true, I just wasn't ready to post about it until now. Over the 12 years we have been together, the fact that Diane couldn't legally work here, chipped pieces of her self esteem, worth, and purpose away, bit by bit. She eventually came to feel that she had no identity here. Then last year, I had the heart attack, and it scared her to death. She realized if something happened to me, she couldn't provide for herself. All of those things snowballed for her, until it became so big, it couldn't be fixed. She was unhappy, but didn't share the extent of it, with me. In my own mind, I thought we were still recovering from depression for the 2 years of health issues I'd had, along with my not being able to find a job, until last August.

She told me 4 days after this past new year's day, that she was unhappy and wanted to go back to England... and why. She also told me she wasn't in love with me any longer. We both had different ideas of what our relationship was, and they didn't match up any longer.. Since then, our lives have been all about how she could get back to her country "to start a new life, pay her own way."

I have been in hell since she told me. I really did not see this coming. In the past few weeks, we have analyzed, picked apart, pondered, and scrutinized every part of our 12 years together, and I finally realized she was right, she had no future here, the kids and I weren't enough any longer to fill her up. She was unhappy.

I didn't want her to go. I wanted to work out our issues, make any needed changes, and try to build our love back up, from there. It all boils down to our relationship not being legally valid in this country. We were very happy in the beginning... we had hope the laws would change, we could get married or at least be recognized as a domestic partnership. The company I worked for didn't allow me to put her on my insurance. I couldn't name her as my benefactor. I couldn't claim her on my taxes even though I totally supported her. She lived in fear of being deported. There's just too many legalities we weren't allowed to have, just because we are both women, that began this fucking mess of deconstructing our relationship.

I will never be able to afford to go see her in England, and she will not be allowed to come back here for 10 years. Knowing she doesn't love me any more than a friend, it would be too painful to continue any kind of relationship, for me, at this time. I am still in love with her. She is my princess, and until I can get past the pain and loss I am feeling since she told me she was leaving, there is not much left of me to do anything more than to go to work, take care of my business, and come home to my new apartment and think... feel... mourn.... and ponder what I should do now. I am lost, without her. I can function, but there is no joy, no reason, no hope in my heart. It's a very dark place to be in. I am letting myself grieve, and feel whatever comes up... I have no choice, really. I cant keep my sorrow in. When we said goodbye, I let her go with best of wishes, love, and thankfulness for what we had. I put all of my energy and emotion into doing that, and now I feel so empty. I still love her SO much. My heart aches past the point.

My kids are taking it hard, two of them worse than the others... and one, my youngest Christophe, is grieving as deeply as I am.

When she went to his dorm to say goodbye, he had written a song for her, which he sang to her as he played it on his guitar. I ache for him, and the loss he is feeling. His father left when he was born, and the only other parent figure my kids have known and had, is Diane. I think leaving them was the hardest part for her. I hope she keeps in touch with them, as she promised.

Right now, I cant allow myself to have contact with her, even if only via internet. I hurt too deeply still, I am raw, broken, and vulnerable more so than I have ever been in my life. I ask God to help me through this, every single chance I can. In my head, I know I will survive this, but until my heart catches up, I am in agony. She is on the other side of the world... under the same moon and stars I am, yet I cant have her. She will be with someone else at some point, and start again. I am hurting myself with all kinds of thoughts of that nature, and it tortures me. I cant seem to let go of thinking about those kinds of things, although I try so hard. Maybe I am torturing myself as punishment for the issues I have had, since I was a child.

We were so close, so in love... WTF happened? I feel so cheated, betrayed.. and empty..

just empty.



ChiTown Girl said...

Oh my hell....

C, I had no idea. Now I'M crying right along with you. I thought you sounded strange on the phone the other day, but I chalked it up to just being sad about her leaving. Now I see it had to do with all the other "stuff" going on under the surface. I'm so very sorry, my sweet friend.

I'm so glad Jo is there with you right now. There's something magical about a sister's love. I hope you'll let her just love you up.

You know where I am if you need me.

Anonymous said...

It was almost too painful to read. Absolutely heart-breaking. I'm so damn sorry for you.

Mark said...

I feel so bad for all of you. As you were telling the story, I was picturing myself as you. I would also be totally lost without Fred with me. If he were to be deported, the kids and I would follow him soon after that. We're not a Family if he's not around.
Take care of yourself and your kids.

La Roo said...

oh my, C.

Life just doesn't feel fair sometimes.
I've had such a hell of a time lately trying to make sense of it. In a different way the things we are going through seem very similiar. Someone you love is gone. It's so hard to grasp.

I feel your sadness sweet friend and wish I could do something to take it away.

Hugs, Laroo

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am sitting her crying as I type this comment to you. Thank you so much for sharing your private information. It does answer so many questions. My heart aches for you. I was divorced after 11 years of marriage. I do know the pain of love lost. I also know your struggle because my sister in law is gay and I know the laws are not fair when it comes to gay marriage or long term relationships. God will get you through this painful time. I want you to know that in the future if things between you and Diane change I would love to help you get to England. ((HUGS)) After six years apart my husband and I got back together, going on 23 years.

Clippy Mat said...

sad, sad, sad, sad.
it just sucks that this turned out this way but the odds seemed to be stacked against you both.
don't know what else to say except don't give up on yourself. you will be happy again, just take your time and know that lots of people are on your side and rooting you on to find your happiness.
hugs :-))