"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

1/27/2012

... 2 more nights and my true love will be gone. I will never see her again, or feel her hand touch me... or listen to her words of wisdom, as she always knew what to say. I am so broken, like a mirror shattered into a million pieces, scattering the reflections of what used to be my heart, and soul. No one seems to understand my pain. No one can comfort me. Truly, she is stronger than me, going back to her homeland to begin another adventure... whilst I remain here with what's left of my dignity and pride. Every one was expecting me to give up, curl up, and die. I think I am nearly to that point. I have been in the darkness and there I will remain until I see a glimmer of light. Just enough of a glimmer to help me hang on one more day, sometimes one more hour...

And most recently, I live minute by minute, as if my next breath could be my last.

I need to let go of the dreams I had for us, of my hope of growing old together, and the belief that we'd live happily ever after.

I have learned the hard way, there is no forever, no happily ever after in love. No one can guarantee anything past the present moment, and it's a very harsh reality to accept. I am in control of Nothing, No one, nor Any situation. I can't make her stay. I can't be enough to fill her void, as willing as I am to try. I can't offer myself as a sacrifice in exchange for happiness. It's so hard to think about my future without her, my bestest friend... Yet it has become even more painful to be stuck in this situation, not of our doing. What was once beautiful, pure, and blessed... has been stripped of it's worth, dirtied by circumstances out of our control... until there is barely anything left to blow away in the dust.

I hate how I feel right now. I hate that pain has turned me into some one I don't recognize... Someone who in my normal frame of mind would never dream it would come to this.

But here I am. here I  F.U.C.K.I.N.G. am. Merely existing, until my life force stirs in me once again, giving me hope that maybe, just maybe, there will be healing, and peace for me again. There is no one more time for this, or  that. The last time, WAS the last time. No going back now. I Loved You Past The Point Of Dying, you must be stronger than me..

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C

10 comments:

Jim said...

Chris, know that we are here to help you through this when you need a hand. You are stronger than you think or at least willing to admit at this point. IT IS HARD! You will find your way.
Jim

greg said...

What you are feeling is completely normal. You have not become a different person, you are just dealing with it the way your heart is telling you to. You are losing a part of yourself - allow yourself to grieve it. Be sad. Be angry. You have every right to feel everything you are feeling right now. Deal with healing when you are ready to. xoxo

otin said...

You are a fighter. Take it one day at a time and don't give up!!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I don't understand how anyone can feel good about supporting laws that cause this kind of pain to human beings.
Move to Florida and get away from it all! I mean, not the ignorant homophobes, they're everywhere....
xoxo

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))This is incredibly sad. I am newer here and I don't understand why you say that you can never see her again.
Are you not allowed to visit her country? I know that visiting her is not a solution for living with the person you love, I just was wondering. How can this be happening to both of you? This is tragic.

Clippy Mat said...

oh wow :-(
so sad for you. don't know what to say to make you feel better but your incredible writing skills will be the force to help you get through this i'm sure.

jo.irish.rose said...

I am so sorry to see you hurt like this toone...it breaks me up inside. I wish there was more that i could do than just come out there. I will be there Sunday. I love you both and hate that this is happening. See you soon....Jo

Busy Bee Suz said...

C~
You are a strong woman....I know your heart is breaking into pieces right now, but you will get through this. You are a beautiful person and you deserve a beautiful life..and I know you will once again have one.
Love you!

Maria said...

I'm curious as well. I don't understand not seeing her ever again. Please don't feel that I am being rude or stepping in unbidden, but I am sort of wondering if perhaps there is more to this than the DOMA laws, etc. There is something in your blog voice that is more than fury at a terribly unjust law, almost like there is some real agony over a relationship that perhaps has run it's course as well? If that is so, then....yes...double pain. And for that I am so very sorry.

Technodoll said...

I too don't understand why you cannot ever see her again... are you ending your relationship for good? if not, then there is no reason why you cannot be together long-distance... i hurt so much for you both, for your family. wish i could be there to give you a big hug... i'm so sorry :-( XXXX