WARNING; THERE IS NAKED, UNDRESSED NUDITY IN THE FOLLOWING POST!

 

..TODAY WAS A STRANGE MIX OF EMOTIONS FOR ME. FIRST, OUR NEPHEW CAME BY TO SWIM, AS HE WILL QUITE OFTEN SINCE HE DOES YARD WORK IN OUR AREA. AFTER HE LEFT, NO ONE WAS HOME EXCEPT DIANE AND I. SO I THREW OFF MY CLOTHES (GASP!) & WENT FOR MY USUAL SKINNY DIPPING IN OUR POOL!

..I DID MY EXERCISES, THEN FLOATED  AROUND PEACEFULLY FOR QUITE A WHILE, FEELING LIGHT AS A LESBIAN BUTTERFLY WITH NO CARES IN THE WORLD. JUST LOOK AT THAT RELAXED MOI- AM I CUTE, OR WHAT.. I BET YOU JUST WANNA JUMP IN AND TIP ME OVER, DONTCHA.. WELL, FUCK YOU, YA CANT..

..MY HONEYSUCKLECHUCKLETITS BROUGHT ME OUT AN ICE COLD HUGE BOWL OF CUT UP SEEDLESS WATERMELON BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HOW I CRAVE IT, WHEN I'M IN THE POOL. IT IS SO REFRESHING AS MY FLESH BAKES IN THE HEAT. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I BLEND..

DIANE & BELLA SAT OUTSIDE KEEPING ME COMPANY WHILST I FROLICKED. WE CHATTED, GOOFED AROUND, & SANG CARPENTER'S SONGS OUT LOUD (THANKS A MILLION, SUZ). IT WAS QUITE LERVERLY ACTUALLY, AS JO & I WOULD SAY.

HERE, A FRIKKIN LEAF TRIED TO RAIN ON MY PARADE. AS DIANE SNAPPED A FEW PICTURES OF IT, IT SWAM AWAY CRYIN' LIKE A GIRL..

WE PROBABLY HUNG OUT LIKE THAT FOR A FEW HOURS, UNTIL WE BOTH BECAME STARVING GYPSIES.. AND DECIDED TO GO OUT FOR DINNER.

WE WERE MOST DEFINITELY IN A HAPPY, FUN-MAKING MOOD, AND GIGGLY AS ALL GIT OUT.

DIANE WAS TAKING PICTURES, LIKE SHE OFTEN DOES.. SEE ME TOOTSIES? (SORRY 'BOUT THE NUDITY)..

AND ACTUALLY CAUGHT SOME AWESOME REFLECTING POOL SHOTS OF THE SUN ON THE WATER, EVEN THOUGH THE CLOUDS TRIED TO STEAL THE SUNLIGHT INTERMITTENTLY.. 

LATER, WHILST WE WERE EATING, THE SUN CAME BACK OUT AND STREAMED IN THROUGH THE BLINDS THROUGH THE RESTAURANT'S WINDOWS. I NEARLY DROPPED MY FORK, AS I SUDDENLY HAD A MEMORY FLASHBACK, WHICH OVER TOOK ME COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE..

IT WAS THE WAY THE SUNLIGHT SHOWN THROUGH THE BLINDS IN  VARIOUS FLICKERING SHADES OF YELLOWS, CASTING SHADOWS THAT APPEARED TO BE DANCING ALONG THE TABLES AND WALLS. IT ILLUMINATED WHERE WE WERE SITTING, REFLECTING OFF DIANE'S FACE AS WELL AS THE SILVER WEAR & TABLETOPS. DIANE OF COURSE KNOWS ME SO WELL, THAT SHE IMMEDIATELY KNEW AND UNDERSTOOD WHAT THAT DOES TO ME.

AS SHE WAS TRYING TO COMFORT ME, I COULD HEAR HER SPEAKING BUT HER WORDS WERE FAINT, USELESS, AND  NOT UNDERSTANDABLE TO ME, MUCH LIKE A BACKGROUND NOISE.. AND MY MIND WAS SOMEWHERE ELSE.

DONALD SIROUX WAS A NEIGHBOR FROM MY CHILDHOOD, IN NEW BRITAIN, CT. AND HE WAS ONE OF MY MOLESTERS.

HE MOLESTED ME IN CHURCH SITTING ON HIS LAP RIGHT NEXT TO HIS WIFE & KIDS, UPSTAIRS IN HIS BEDROOMS WHILST MY MOTHER VISITED WITH HIS WIFE IN THE KITCHEN, AND THE FUCKER WAITED FOR ME BEHIND TREES IN THE PROJECTS WHEN I WALKED HOME FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL,  JUMPING OUT TO SCARE ME, CHASING ME HOME AS HE SPOKE OF THE FILTHY THINGS HE WAS GOING TO DO TO ME... ALWAYS THREATENING TO DO THE SAME TO MY 2 YOUNGER SISTERS IF I EVER TOLD ON HIM. (I NEVER TOLD ANYONE.)

I HAVE MENTIONED  BEFORE THAT IT ONLY TAKES A CERTAIN SHADE OF SUNLIGHT TO TRIGGER ME BACK TO THOSE TIMES, & IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN BUT WHEN IT DOES, MY BODY REMEMBERS-

AND I MENTALLY DISASSOCIATE MYSELF TO A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME, MENTALLY FLOATING ATOP OF THE VENETIAN BLINDS ON HIS BEDROOM WINDOW WHILST HE DID HIS BUSINESS... (MY THERAPIST ALWAYS SAID THAT A PART OF US STAYS "STUCK" AT THE AGE THE TRAUMA OCCURRED).

MY LITTLE BODY MAY HAVE CARRIED OUT WHAT HIS ORDERS WERE, BUT I WAS NOT PRESENT WHEN IT DID.

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY DEALT WITH ALL OF THIS IN THERAPY OVER MANY YEARS, HOWEVER I STILL HAVE FLASHBACKS WHEN THE SUNLIGHT APPEARS IN CERTAIN SHADES OF YELLOW, PARTICULARLY THROUGH A WINDOW, SEEN WITHIN MY PERIPHERAL VISION.

I'VE LEARNED THAT ONCE WE ARE MADE TO DISASSOCIATE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE A TRAUMA, IT'S NORMAL TO DO THAT AGAIN IF WE HAVE A FLASHBACK. BUT THE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME TO REMEMBER IS TO TAKE MYSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION AND DO WHATEVER I NEED TO DO TO FEEL SAFE AGAIN.

FLASHBACKS ARE UNPREDICTABLE. I COULD BE ANYWHERE, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO I AM WITH OR WHAT I AM DOING, IF I SEE THAT CERTAIN YELLOW SHADE OF FLICKERING SUNLIGHT- A PART OF ME MENTALLY BECOMES THAT LITTLE HELPLESS GIRL ONCE MORE, BEING MOLESTED.

THE THERAPIST I WORKED WITH BELIEVED IN "INNER CHILD WORK" AS PART OF HER THERAPY. HOW IT WORKS IS, WE FIND THE PART OF US THAT WAS TRAUMATIZED EARLIER IN OUR LIVES, AND CREATE A SAFE PLACE TO KEEP THAT PART OF US, IN. MAKE IT FULL OF HAPPY THINGS AND MOST OF ALL, MAKE IT SAFE FROM ANY HARM, FROM ANY ONE.

WHEN THESE MEMORIES GET TRIGGERED & COME FORTH, FOR ME IT MEANS A MEMORY FROM MY PAST WAS TRIGGERED.

AND SO I NEED TO TAKE THE TIME TO REFLECT WITHIN MYSELF TO ASSURE I FEEL SAFE AGAIN.

THAT PART OF MY WOUNDED SELF RESIDES IN A MAGICAL SAND CASTLE WHERE ANYTHING HAPPY CAN HAPPEN... AND I AM SURROUNDED BY PUPPIES, KITTENS, & BABY BUNNIES THAT NEVER GROW UP, OR HAVE TO BE FED, OR TAKEN OUT TO POOP. SO ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PLAY WITH THEM ALL THE TIME, AND ENJOY MY BABY ANIMALS.

ALTHOUGH THAT IS WHAT I CREATED FOR MY OWN HEALING PURPOSES, IT REALLY WORKS BUT EVERY NOW & THEN, I AM CAUGHT SO UNEXPECTEDLY THAT I AGAIN FEEL POWERLESS, AGAIN DISASSOCIATE, AND HAVE TO TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO COMPOSE MYSELF. AND THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, TONIGHT.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ANALYZING SOMETHING PAINFUL THAT HAUNTS YOU, I RECOMMEND A SMALL BOOK BY ALICE MILLER, CALLED "DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD." WHEN I FIRST READ THAT, IT VALIDATED HOW I FELT FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, AND ENABLED ME TO UNDERSTAND WHY I FELT & ACTED THE WAY I DID.

JUS' SAYIN'

TONIGHT, RIGHT NOW- THAT HAUNTING FEELING OF POWERLESSNESS HAS LIFTED FROM MY SOUL AND NOW I CAN MOVE ON.

OH, ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY-

...IT HAS NEVER FAILED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, THAT EVERY TIME I HAVE TRUE, REAL FUN WITH BELLY LAUGHS & SUCH, LATER IN THE DAY I SOMEHOW END UP "BEING PUNISHED" FOR THE ENJOYMENT I EXPERIENCED.. EXAMPLE, TODAY... HAVING SUCH FUN RELAXING IN THE POOL, THEN GETTING A PAINFUL MEMORY TRIGGERED AT DINNER TIME.

EVEN WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL, IF I HAD ANY FUN OR ENJOYMENT, EACH AND EVERY FUCKING TIME I WOULD GET HURT LATER AND THE FUN I HAD WOULD END UP WITH ME IN TEARS, NOT THROUGH ANY FAULT OF MY OWN. I ALWAYS BELIEVED I HAD TO "SUFFER A CONSEQUENCE" FOR THE HAPPY. I STILL NEED TO WORK ON THAT ONE..

C