..what doesn’t kill you, not only makes you stronger, but can be a really BIG pain in the ass.. at least that’s what the voices tell me.
I happened to check out my Facebook page today and I found this, posted by my youngest son Christopher. it made me cry.
“Respect and love your parents until death if they gave you affection, raised you, and everything required to live. I will never understand how people can be so heartless towards the person or persons who gave them so much love. It sickens me. People call themselves human, well if it is human to act like that, then being human is being a failed creation of life; a monstrosity. I will always love you, mom and Diane.”
yeah. I know.
so my dilemma is such… the kids’ dad can see that comment as well, and it hurts me that it will hurt him when he does. call me crazy but it does. Diane never intended to be a replacement for David. she is our kids’ stepmom and is very close with Christopher because they share the love of music together, among other things. she encouraged him to play the sax & the bassoon.
Dave never shared ANYTHING with him.
SHE took the time and effort consistently to pay attention to the kids, we were a real family, and made memories together. Diane has been hurt by Dave's absence on their behalf, too. we have always wanted what was best for the kids- and she has done that very well in the 11 years we’ve been together.
it isn't my fault that there is little to no relationship between Christopher and his father. even after all these years, I still cry and grieve over that loss [for all 4 kids] because I knew David before all the crazy shit with his 2nd wife happened..
and the man I knew him to be back then would have died himself rather than let one of our kids be hurt. I have had many talks with Christopher over the years about this subject, but his lil heart is frozen with denial. I know it’s a safety mechanism for him, he holds many resentments about not having had a dad who was involved in his life, but mostly, it’s pain. the pain of abandonment, rejection, and all that comes with it.
I know how that feels because I have been through that with my dad. I will always wonder how things would have been different had Dave stood up to his wife initially, and told her he loved his kids and they will always come first, PERIOD! sadly, he really did choose her over them.
I do not in any way mean to imply that if things would have been different, David and I would still be together.. because I am so different now. I meant towards his relationship with his children..
I have learned the hard, painful way that I can never make up for his absence in their lives. he comes from a dysfunctional family, as most of us all do. we used to discuss this very thing over the years, when his brother married & divorced 4 times, and had kids with most of his wives, only to abandon them too, because for him, alcohol & sex with women was more important than investing time in his children… as did David's father and another brother, too.
David nearly had a breakdown when he was 18 and his parents divorced. he used to have such a tender loving heart, and approach to life. when he was told his parents only stayed together until the youngest was grown, it crushed him, and the security of the family he thought he had, was gone.
everyone seemed to go their separate ways after the divorce, and his then 15 year old lil brother was left without a home, as his mom’s “new man” wouldn’t let her take him in and she abided. (THAT WOULD BE THE DAY WHEN I LET SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO CONCERNING MY CHILDREN).
it was exactly for these reasons, and the history I had with my father, that made Dave and I grieve for the kids we couldn’t seem to conceive. at the same time, in the 10 years of infertility we went through, we had many discussions and made strong vows to each other that if we were EVER blessed with a child, we would NEVER be like our parents.
when Dave's’ and my divorce occurred, he was really trying to be there for them, and came over to help us when ever we needed him. he kept my car running, played with the kids whilst I ran errands… just to name a few.
those promises meant the world to me, and I thought they did to him, too. because in my mind, we would not inflict the pain we lived through, onto our kids.
then he hooked up with her, and his fatherly role when to the shitter. she didn’t want him to have any contact with me, even when it was about the kids. alexander was very sick with asthma when he was born and it was important for Dave to be in on important decisions etc.… but according to his wife, I “was just making shit up to get his attention” so she “forbade it.”
my poor lil Alex was at the dr’s several times a month, and in and out of the hospital.. maybe I’ll take it to the grave that he went back on his promise and dedication to be present for our kids, but to be totally honest, that right there was THE most PAINFUL part for me in our divorce.. his absence, and lack of building relationships with our kids. I count that as the biggest loss, for them.
to me, everything else can be forgiven, except for that. consequently, I do have empathy for David, and I really don’t want him to be hurt, but Christopher has a right to his feelings and if anything should ever be attempted to get resolved, it will be have to be between him and his dad.
just a lil footnote to amuse you… David's wife used to be my best friend in high school and we hung out a lot. she dated David for a few months when he and I were broken up, but he always came back to me. she came to our wedding and later when she finally married, we had dinner at her home.
isn't it funny how life’s little twists just puts your panties all up in a wad…?
yeah, go figure.. if I knew then that she would end up coming between David and his kids in the future, I’d have run her over with a lawn mower back in the day, the twat.
just me thoughts for the night. any opinions? after thoughts? advice? premonitions? dirty little songs? change for my panhandling, perhaps?
can you at least record family guy for me, I hate to miss any episodes.