"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

5/13/2011

hopin’ & prayin’

…we are under a tornado watch as I write this.. Diane and I LERVE this type of weather; stormy, windy, gloomy, with a chance of imminent danger… at the same time, we hope and pray a tornado never comes near this city. and if one does, we hope and pray it doesn’t seek us out personally cause any damage and no one loses their grill or trampoline or freshly hung laundry on the line, but if that were to happen, we hope and pray no one gets hurt or is on the shitter when it hits… ME? if I were in the bathtub, nekked of course, and all I had to cover meself with was a washcloth, I would definitely cover my face as I ran out.. people might see my body, per say, but I’ll be damned if they know who it belongs to.

we are building an underground safe room as we speak, loaded with water and foods, magazines, cable TV, an indoor pool, and our scrabble game for when we get bored of swimming. it will have a little periscope that comes up out of the ground so we can check on the sitchy-a-shun above. we watch storm chasers on the weather channel. I think we need an intervention..

tonight we may go to my sisters to play cards, watch a movie, or just plain get in trouble runnin’ through the ‘hood ringin’ doorbells then bolting. Saturday night, we are having a dinner party for 5 of our friends. we LERVE to entertain and cook for people. I’ve mentioned my friend Robert before, he works security where I used to work in L&D. he has such a heart of gold that he is insisting on contributing to tomorrow night’s meal by buying all of some of the groceries. I swear if I were working, there is NO way I would accept that sweet gesture, instead I’d take the cash, but sometimes I have to swallow my pride and allow those I love to help out. he and his wife have been so good to us over the years, and even more so since my injury. they are the ones we were having for dinner the night I had my heart attack, and they stayed & cleaned up the kitchen whilst Diane and Alex took me to the hospital E.R. since then, they travel with a defibulator whenever we hang out. personally, it gives me a nice false sense of security, however, if it ever has to be used on me, I hope and pray I don’t piss meself during the save.. I would just die of embarrassment. yeah like, hahahaha yeah we remember Christine, she pissed herself in her final moments… and the kitchen was such a mess but we didn’t clean it this time, what’s the point, she’s dead.

so today we will go shopping for our dinner party, the menu will be; beef tips in a mushroom gravy, mashed pertatoes, (yeah, I know it’s spelled wrong) (fuck off) a veg, and we are debating between corn, green beans, or sautéed tree buds that are filling the yard from the wind, as we speak. (hey. gotta save where we can). there will be fresh warmed bread, condom-mints, and stuffed ‘shrooms as an appetizer. the other couple is bringing dessert! I am salivatin’ and hopin’ & prayin I don’t choke on me spit.

I heard on the news that the Taliban is retaliating for our killing of their vicious sick mean ugly hairy bastard leader, and that we should be afraid, VERY, VERY, AFRAID.

"The explosive vests used in Friday's attacks were packed with ball bearings and nails, police said”. what kind of crazy are they? haven't they ever read the book running wiff scissors? they coulda poked an eye or two, out. (sorry, if I don’t laugh, I would cry).

ok I will admit I am askeeeeered a little. I guess the tornado safe room will come in handy for that too. don’t you just LERVE it when you can get more use out of summit than you originally thought? it’s like Murphy’s law goes on vay cay. I just hope & pray we remember to build a terlet in our safe room cuz I always get the nervous shits. ask Jo. she knows.

have a very fun weekend.

I’m serious.

cuz I’ll tell bad people where you live.

oh yes I will.

ask Jo. she knows.

C

7 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

You are the silliest, craziest, funnest person I know.
I hope your dinner is wonderful and hey, always take what you can...when nice folks offer to help out..say YES!!!!
Eff the taliban. Yes, I did say that and I gave them the finger. You know, the BAD finger.
xoxoxo

sophie...^5 said...

Chris...you are a hoot and a toot...especially on the shitter. Jesus a tornado...no more...sounds like a hurricane watch here...batten down the hatches.

Jim said...

Chris! Listen up! You HAVE to be a writer on SNL!! You here me?! Screw the job search and send something in to them or anybody else who will appreciate your humour! NOW!!! Seriously. I love it when you 'lerve' things....gets me a little crazy you know....ask Ron he'll vouch for me I'm sure. Celine lives!!!!

jo.irish.rose said...

OMG!!! you got a job!!!! yeah!!!! i have to tell everyone!!! hang on...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................there, oooops, forgot one, hang on, brb,.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. .............................................................................................................................................................hahahahahahahahaha

Dysfunctional Mom said...

You crack me up!!! I so love the way you write. I hope y'all had a great par-tay!!!

Technodoll said...

OH dear LORD you have me in stitches whenever I read your crazy posts! LOL LOL LOL

Just hope the storms passed you safely by, nobody loves a blow job that much.

Wish I would come over for dinner and bring some, oh I dunno, tourtière or sumtin.

I had dinner by myself reading a book. Again. Booooring Saturday night, but thank goodness for blogs :-D

ChiTown Girl said...

What the shit?! I think Blogger should be bitch slapped! I must have missed this post when it freaked out the other day! Hope the dinner party went well. If fuckin' Blogger makes me miss another one of your hilarious posts, someone's gonna get hurt!