..things haven't been all hunky dory here this past week. due to weather, my caseworker has cancelled one appointment after another. I cant stand feeling like I am being strung along. when she did finally come over, she informed me that my company didn’t want to hire me back.. but then I thought after she left, how the fuck does she know that?
..I am about to lose my seniority and hourly wage I spent 10 years accruing, and if I go with another company, I will start over at entry level. I am angry and sadly very depressed.
..I need to get my fight on and just make a few calls to some people I know and apply for a job in the NICU. of course, that’s where I fell in the first place so I don’t know how that will turn out but I have to definitely try. all they can do is say no.
..my caseworker used to work for my company too, and ended up leaving there with sour grapes… so I am beginning to think she is biased and at my expense does not want me to return there.
..I’ve GOT to do something.. we are down to our last pennies and I don’t even know how I will make my car payment this month. I can’t keep living like this. it’s bringing me into the darkness and I just can’t go there.
..I have been secluding myself in the comfort of my home, wondering how much longer I’ll be able to live here. I have isolated from my family and friends. hopefully they will still be there when I pull myself out of this muck. most days I don’t even get dressed, just stay in my jammies where I feel safe. I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone because I am so empty right now.
..last night I felt SO stressed I had chest pain that was pretty moderate, it woke me up from sleep, and I had to take 2 doses of nitro. it went away but now I need to see the cardiologist next week about this angina because I am worried I might have a heart attack. it seems like everything is happening at once and I am struggling to stay afloat.
..I want to scream at the top of my lungs and gain control over my life again.. being at someone else's mercy is just not sitting well with me. there are a few other painful things going on in my life but I don’t want to discuss them on here. in case you are wondering though, Diane and I are fine, it’s not “us”.