..not too long ago I looked up and found a man who was in my 3rd grade class in elementary school. he was a bully to me, and ridiculed me in class every chance he had. he called me names in front of other kids, and picked on me outside of school as well. even just his NAME smoldered a tiny flame in the corners of my mind..
..regardless, I guess the details don’t really matter now, but my point is that when I found him on Facebook, he seemed to have had a happy life, married with kids etc.. good job.. and he didn’t remember picking on me back in the day. I had placed him in my “people who have hurt me” category in my mind, all these years..
..I brought it up in a very covert, jokingly fashion, so as not to reach through the screen and twist what he thinks is his manhood.. or spit on him like he did to me.. so we laughed about how kids are and it was the end of it. I see him on Facebook every now and again but we just mumble a few casual HI's here and there.
..I find it amazing how something that was so painful and hellish when I was a kid in school, has stayed with me and haunted me all of my life. I do not mean to say that I directly suffered from his words throughout my life as they were just a small part of the shitty childhood I had..
..but the result of his actions and words seemed way more detrimental and powerful to me back then, when he obviously never thought twice about it and went on his merry lil way with no worries.. meanwhile I went home crying many a time.
..it’s all in the perspective of things, isn't it.. what seems to be a huge thing to one can be fleeting and unimportant past the moment in which it was said, to the other. yet it continues to have a bit of power over you, if only to knock that precious self esteem down a notch or two.
..if this occurs in more than one area of a kid’s life, it adds up to be bigger than it’s worth. which in my case it did, because not only was I not safe at school, I wasn’t safe at home, either. kids can be so cruel and not even realize how what they say can affect someone.
..bruises heal but words stay with you forever… that is until you realize they have no real power over you and you flush them down the toilet like the crap they were in the first place. back then, parents didn’t explain what bullying was and didn’t do much to protect you, either. you were on your own.
..and so we have the youth of today even into their teenage years who have so much pain from being ridiculed and bullied for many reasons such as sexual orientation, poverty, status, physical appearance, etc.. sometimes there is NO reason except for the meanness of the bully.
..what I have come to realize is that many bullies are being bullied themselves either in their family or peers, to fit in, and feel powerless over their own pain so they need to restore their self worth or balance things out by doing the same to someone weaker than they are and thus goes the cycle..
..the victim feels desperate and takes the only way out they know of that ends their suffering. it’s not that they really want to die, they just want the pain to cease. they want peace. they want to be allowed to be who they are and have it be OK. this is something every single person deserves and has the right to have. I can SO understand that and want to do something about it in my lil corner of the world.
..I am meeting with my caseworker today for workman's comp. and she has asked me what I want to do career wise.. I mentioned working at a hotline for teens, as it’s something I know I can do with having my strength come from my brain rather than my ailing body.. It’s just a thought at this point, but I feel like that is something I would very much like to look into.
Well, it’s Friday!!!!
yeah, farm out, dude…
I love you, man!!!!
hee hee have a good one.