mom & me @ age 2...
..can you think back to THE very first memory you have, when you actually felt a sense of self and acknowledgement of familiarity?
..g’head and think for a few minutes.. I know you can do it. make that wonderful brain of yours face the challenge and go back…. waaaay back… back to the dinosaurs if need be.. course, if you go back that far you probably aren't alive on this planet no’ mo’.. and I dun’t wanna be talkin with no ghosties so those of you I suspect are that old, never mind.
..the following is my earliest memory EVAH and I have always had it tucked away in the back room of my brain for a rainy day, erm, or for a post like this.. yeah.
..I was standing in my crib in a sunlit bedroom that had cream colored walls, holding onto the side bar and doing what you would today call the poopy diaper dance.. but back then I was just happy and moving around whilst I hung on.
..I looked around the room and everything seemed foreign to me, and I felt a lil skeeered.. but then my mom walked in saying baby-love things to me in French.. as soon as I saw her come into the room, I immediately felt a rush of a sense of familiarity go through me and although I couldn’t speak I knew her, and I then recognized things around me.
..my crib was up against the back wall, my black rocking chair was to my right next to a closet and dresser.. and there was a huge stuffed panda bear the size of my mom sitting in the rocker.
..I felt no fear cuz somehow I knew I would be safe and taken care of. the last thing I remember is her picking me up out of the crib and carrying me out of the room.. all the while speaking French softly and kissing me.
..I swear to the lord that I can picture this as if it were yesterday, I can smell her, I can feel the sunlight surrounding me, and the feeling of being carried.
..I can go no further than that moment. I was out of my crib before I was two, so I had to be around 2 for this particular memory.. after that, I have long blanks of memory loss and I don’t really know when my memories returned..
..does anyone else out there remember a moment similar to that? share if you would like to cuz we all have to start somewhere… and as far as I know, that is where this little chubby baby began.
1-26-1989, 22 years ago to be exact~ mom passed away of emphysema.. she had been in a coma in a hospital room in California where she had spent her final months living with Jo. she was alone when she died. which is really sad.
I’m thinking of you maman and wishing you were still here but as the mother I never knew, not the mean & bitter one you became over the years.