"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

1/26/2011

mom & me @ age 2...

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Star..can you think back to THE very first memory you have, when you actually felt a sense of self and acknowledgement of familiarity?

Star..g’head and think for a few minutes.. I know you can do it. make that wonderful brain of yours face the challenge and go back…. waaaay back… back to the dinosaurs if need be.. course, if you go back that far you probably aren't alive on this planet no’ mo’.. and I dun’t wanna be talkin with no ghosties so those of you I suspect are that old, never mind.

Star..the following is my earliest memory EVAH and I have always had it tucked away in the back room of my brain for a rainy day, erm, or for a post like this.. yeah.

Star..I was standing in my crib in a sunlit bedroom that had cream colored walls, holding onto the side bar and doing what you would today call the poopy diaper dance.. but back then I was just happy and moving around whilst I hung on.

Star..I looked around the room and everything seemed foreign to me, and I felt a lil skeeered.. but then my mom walked in saying baby-love things to me in French.. as soon as I saw her come into the room, I immediately felt a rush of a sense of familiarity go through me and although I couldn’t speak I knew her, and I then recognized things around me.

Star..my crib was up against the back wall, my black rocking chair was to my right next to a closet and dresser.. and there was a huge stuffed panda bear the size of my mom sitting in the rocker.

Star..I felt no fear cuz somehow I knew I would be safe and taken care of. the last thing I remember is her picking me up out of the crib and carrying me out of the room.. all the while speaking French softly and kissing me.

Star..I swear to the lord that I can picture this as if it were yesterday, I can smell her, I can feel the sunlight surrounding me, and the feeling of being carried.

Star..I can go no further than that moment. I was out of my crib before I was two, so I had to be around 2 for this particular memory.. after that, I have long blanks of memory loss and I don’t really know when my memories returned..

Star..does anyone else out there remember a moment similar to that? share if you would like to cuz we all have to start somewhere… and as far as I know, that is where this little chubby baby began.

Wilted rose 1-26-1989, 22 years ago to be exact~ mom passed away of emphysema.. she had been in a coma in a hospital room in California where she had spent her final months living with Jo. she was alone when she died. which is really sad.

Red heart 

I’m thinking of you maman and wishing you were still here but as the mother I never knew, not the mean & bitter one you became over the years.

C

7 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

That is such a sweet memory to hold!!!!
I remember being very young and not wanting to sleep on my stomach because I was afraid that Indians would put an arrow through my back!
I was around 5 then.

Blessings and love to you and your family today.

Jim said...

My first memory was when I was about two as well. My sister (3 1/2) and I were at the top of the stairs and we BOTH remember 'floating' down the stairs in mid air!! I am serious. I know we both probably actually didn't do that but we both had the exact memory of that event! Kids! Can't leave them alone for a second.

I had a very difficult Mom as well Chris. I always wanted a different one. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized that I have the mother I have and that's it! I learned to appreciate her 'pain' and where it came from. It made it a lot easier to accept her. Lucky you have that moment with her that you remember so fondly.

jo.irish.rose said...

my earliest memory of our mommy is when daddy was carrying me down the stairs and fell. i was 2 and 1/2. i remember him slipping and him landing on me. i remember mommy running to us and trying to see if i was alright. i couldn't move. she was crying. daddy picked me up gently and he was crying. they walked out to the car. i don't remember alot from there. i remember the hospital. when i got there it smelled strong. but mommy and daddy were with me. i was in alot of pain. i had a broken dislocation of my right hip. i had to go in traction with both legs in the air for quite a while. i had to be fed by hand cuz i had to lay flat. it was mostly my mommy that was there everyday. i was in the hospital for almost a month. then at home on the couch for the rest of the time. i had a cast from just below my chest to all the way down my right leg. i had to lay flat. my momma took care of my every single need. if i was bored, remember i was 2....she read to me, played games, rubbed my back, did whatever to keep me happy. and she had 3 other kids. denise and dennis were 4, and chris was 5, so she had her hands full!! this was no picnic, i tell ya!! but this is my earliest of my momma's memory. today is her day that she died. its been a long time, but i miss her alot, i have her pics all over...she was such a beautiful person. in the end, she regretted so much. she was very sorry for so much of what she did and was really different towards the end. i love her so much....i miss you momma!!

greg said...

I loved reading your first memory and also your sister's. It's nice to have a sister by your side, sharing the memories of your shared history.

Thank you both for sharing this.

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, C, this post made me sob. I'm so glad that you have happy memories of you momma, and not just all bad ones.

joe said...

Nice legs, C!

C said...

thanks joe lmao!!