"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

5/14/2010

Letting gO.

Christopher 1 year old.

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3 years old.

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16 years old playing his beloved bassoon in band.

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"those were the days my friend, i thought they'd never end..."   

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Christopher 18 years old.

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i must be in a dream. the last of my 4 children cannot be all grown up and ready to leave me to begin his own life.

nOoOoOo stop- turn back the hands of time- it has all gone by tOo fast- like a whirlwind. for a short while i was Cinderella and had 4 little angels in my care.

seems like i was just changing diapers last year. just a few months ago we were all snuggled up on the couch watching movies.. going to the drive-in.. playing in parks, attending soccer games, going on picnics, walking in the woods, camping..

wasn't it just last month that i washed little hands and faces, brushed little teeth, nibbled on fluffy cheeks.. prayed for my sleeping kiddos and thanked God for every moment with them..?

yes, it was just a few weeks ago that i held sleeping toddlers in my arms.. kissing sweet faces that i could never get enough of..

it was just last week that he turned 12 and his voice changed..

surely it was just a few days ago he taught himself French, just yesterday he taught himself how to play the sax, then the bassoon.. and now, in a few hours, he will graduate.

my heart overflows with love and pride so abundant, so hard to contain inside..

i pinch myself to make sure i am not dreaming, catch my face in the mirror and see that I'm beaming..

i will always be their mother until i take my last breath. but i will not be needed so much- i will not be able to watch my kids sleep as tears stream down my face from the amount of  worry, pride, fear, hope, gratitude and love i feel for each one..

and isn't it just ironically cruel to be blessed with motherhood, create my whole world around my precious children, and just when i can't remember what life was like without any of them in it, i have to let them go... they are no longer mine- they have come into their own.

i am left alone once more- the way i came into the world, and the way i will leave it.

but i wouldn't miss one second of time with them, not one sound of their voices and laughter, nor how it felt to have them in my arms, even for just a little while.

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me- letting my favorite element embrace and support me whilst i let go of my last child, with my other 3 already in flight.

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11 comments:

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Awww. {{{hugs}}}

Busy Bee Suz said...

Awwww...what a beautiful young man you have. And you are not losing him...he is just becoming his own man. He will still be yours...always he will be yours to love!

jo.irish.rose said...

he will be just down the street, probably bringing his laundry home every weekend for you to do....so you wont forget him at all! you can pinch his cheeks while you shout his stains, you can nibble his little face while his clothes dry! see? never do they leave, they are like boomerangs, you can throw them as far as you want, but they always end up home, just where you want them. just like my jonathan. he may live in his own house and have his own family, but he always comes home for lunch! gotta have mom's food! it gives them something to look forward to, toone. always going to mom's for something good to eat! or a good movie, or a warm place to snuggle....its the memories. they will keep them with them always, and will warm their hearts with them when they need a lil something to tide them over when it gets chilly....lol. you did good my sister, and you should be proud. i would of loved to have you as my momma.

That corgi :) said...

beautiful tribute to your son and to motherhood and the joys these kids bring us. hoping you all enjoy his graduation weekend!

betty

Technodoll said...

C, don't worry... soon enough you will be surrounded by grandchildren that you can spoil to death and relive all the joyous moments with! xoxoxo

Jason, as himself said...

Well, now that you've been able to let him go, you and Diane can romp around wildly and nakedly at all hours of the day, doing lesbianly things!

Maria said...

I'm letting Liv spend the summer with her father and it is just about taking everything I have to let her go. I cannot even think about her leaving me for college....

But, Jason has a point. Now you can play naked twister with Diane.

Maria said...

....on the living room floor!

C said...

thanks everyone for the support and the humour! i cant picture me playing naked twister on the living room floor wiff me gimpy arm but i promise we will be doing lesbiany things! bwahahaha

awww, you guys..

c

jo.irish.rose said...

OMG, naked twister....i have a visiual....ehhhh, all that flesh just jiggling and if you put oil on the mat, its more fun, not that i tried it, erm, or anything, ahem....cough...i have a gimpy shoulder too, dont get me laughing too hard, it hurts when i roll on the floor laughing....ehhhhh moooooo! hey!! where are the pics from graduation?? i have been soooo patient....POST THEM NOW! dont make me come back over there!

J. Hi said...

I was at work when I read this and I almost cried. I did a lot of face fanning. :) You express yourself so well. What a sweet mom.