this is my youngest sons last full week of high school. believe me, he is counting down the days to graduation. he is SO looking forward to living in the dorm at college and starting his new life. i know he will do well.
i cant believe how fast my kids have grown up. it all seems like a dream that flew by. i am not ready for it to be over yet. i am already grieving the loss. and yes, i know i have much to look forward to- and yes, i know that our goal as a parent is to send our children off into the world as self sufficient adults to go on and live their own lives. but i never dreamed it would be so hard.
the letting go of my oldest 2 was made a little bit easier because i still had some years left with the 2 younger ones. alas, here i am, having to let go of my youngest... and i am grieving. i thought this part of life would be made simpler shared with their father, as we would be support to each other, and have each other to validate our similar feelings. but their dad is no part of this. he let go when he left us.
Diane is here, and she tries to be of comfort but for me, it's still not the same. she loves the kids and is a great step mom to them... but i think this is one area we cannot feel similarity in, together. maybe it's just me who isn't letting her in, right now- i don't know...
i have no choice but to allow life to happen and be a big girl about it. it's something i cant fight, nor do i really want to. its a huge change for me to shift my focus from my kids to something else... it's all i have done and known for the past 26 years. but what is that "something else" that i am supposed to focus on?
i have always had difficulties with change, i have a hard time feeling secure when things change. and when i feel insecure, i am not ok. i suppose it might help a little if i could shift my focus to my career- if i had one at this time. my future in that aspect is unclear to me right now.
my life has brought me to a crossroads, once again. i can not picture what my future will be. i have to rely on my faith that even though i cant see it, it will still be something that God has planned just for me, and that it will be good.
i think back to having had Alex, my third child, and being pregnant with Christopher, our last.. David left us, and i had no where to go.. no money... it was just me and the kids. i could not see my future with 4 young children, raising them alone and having the means to do so. all i had back then, was my faith. i put my fears in God's hands, i had no other choice. i took one day at a time, making the best of it.. somehow, we made it through.
there were nights i felt so lost and alone, without direction- and all i could manage to do was cry, surrender, and go to bed and sleep. i would have a different perspective in the morning, just enough to help me get through that next day. and it was enough. only by the grace of God our needs were met. it was the very first time i had ever been on my own in my entire life.
if i could make it through those difficult times, i can make it through whatever will follow now. letting go is the hardest thing for me to do, but if i look back in retrospect, i see that every time i have, something good came along.. more than i expected. i think that sometime's we have to be stripped of everything before we can rely on our faith to get us through. to stand naked before God and surrender.. so he can give us those things he wants us to have, which are always better than what we could give ourselves.
i can still remember clearly as if it were yesterday- the moment i first held each one of my 4 kids.. their first steps, their first words, their first everything. the sweetest memories i have are all about them. the 4 of them are the best thing i will ever do in my lifetime. and it's so hard to let go.