today i was driving home from the bank after PT and suddenly i felt this weird feeling wash through me. it consisted of such intense emotion that i burst into tears. it took me awhile to process what happened and this is what i think it was.
the way the afternoon daylight looked with the particular shades of yellow from the sunshine, mixed with the warm air blowing in cuz i had the windows down, and how it smelled like spring... my body had a flashback to when i was little and was being molested. when it happened, i would take my mind someplace else so i wasn't "really" there.. and this afternoon at that moment it must have mimicked one of those times..
i felt so lonely, like my soul wanted to just jump out of me and take flight. my body had "touch" flashbacks that made me bend forward towards the steering wheel in pain... while my heart and mind and soul remembered how i felt during it. its fucking crazy i tell you. it must have lasted all of 5 minutes then it went away just as quickly as it came.
it's almost as if i was standing next to myself, watching myself feel this way. i was there, yet i wasn't. i know sexual abuse survivors can have some strange flashbacks but i haven't felt one this intense in years. and they catch me so off guard. after that, the rest of the ride home was a blur to me, i was on autopilot and definitely someplace else in mind and spirit. it took me making dinner to process and let it go.
well, dinner, PLUS half a tub of ice cream, 3 pinwheel cookies, chips, cheese curds, and 2 glasses of chipped ice that i love to chew. i was so full i nearly puked.
i just had to share this in case anyone else ever feels this way, so they don't think they are alone.
it's SO true that what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger...
it also makes you go all buck wild and stuff yo face to cope!