"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.



today i was driving home from the bank after PT and suddenly i felt this weird feeling wash through me. it consisted of such intense emotion that i burst into tears. it took me awhile to process what happened and this is what i think it was.

the way the afternoon daylight looked with the particular shades of yellow from the sunshine, mixed with the warm air blowing in cuz i had the windows down, and how it smelled like spring... my body had a flashback to when i was little and was being molested. when it happened, i would take my mind someplace else so i wasn't "really" there.. and this afternoon at that moment it must have mimicked one of those times..

i felt so lonely, like my soul wanted to just jump out of me and take flight. my body had "touch" flashbacks that made me bend forward towards the steering wheel in pain... while my heart and mind and soul remembered how i felt during it. its fucking crazy i tell you. it must have lasted all of 5 minutes then it went away just as quickly as it came.

it's almost as if i was standing next to myself, watching myself feel this way. i was there, yet i wasn't. i know sexual abuse survivors can have some strange flashbacks but i haven't felt one this intense in years. and they catch me so off guard. after that, the rest of the ride home was a blur to me, i was on autopilot and definitely someplace else in mind and spirit. it took me making dinner to process and let it go. well, dinner, PLUS half a tub of ice cream, 3 pinwheel cookies, chips, cheese curds, and 2 glasses of chipped ice that i love to chew. i was so full i nearly puked.

i just had to share this in case anyone else ever feels this way, so they don't think they are alone.

or crazy.

it's SO true that what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger... it also makes you go all buck wild and stuff yo face to cope!



ChiTown Girl said...

Ok, the button...bwah hahahahaha!!!

I'm sorry that you still have to deal with the pain of your past. My heart cries for the C the child. That you had to go through that is so horrible, makes me feel such a mix of sadness and anger. I'm really impressed with your ability to analyze your emotions and feelings, and then share them with others. I KNOW that you're helping others deal with their own issues. God bless you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, my friend. This breaks my heart!
I understand this...I held back feelings from years and years ago and they hit me from no where as well. It is hard. It is painful.
I makes you open your eyes to things that you don't want to see.
I hope you were able to get on with your day....put these bad thoughts behind and move forward.
You are a very strong and sweet as heck woman. ONe of the best!

C said...

thank you for the support, peeps... it's so appreciated. yes, once i wrote it out i was able to get on with my day.



Clippy Mat said...

i read this last night but couldn't think of a comment at the time. it was just painful to read. i can only imagine what it was like to revisit those old events, even though they just leapt out at you when you weren't expecting it. i'm glad you felt better after writing it out.
your blog really seems to be therapy for you. am i right? i hope so. i felt sad for little C. your inner child. i hope she is feeling better.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Oh, this makes me so sad for you.