i have been up all night, once more. talked with a cuppla friends at work to update them about my dr. visit yesterday. and basically nibbled on crap stuff all night as food is my main coping mechanism when i am stressed. deep in my heart, i KNOW everything will work out for the best, for me... yet the rest of me is panicking and reacting to the panic. i want it to stop however right now this moment, it won't.

i have therapy later today. my arm has been hurting since i saw the dr. because he had to manipulate it to check it out.

it has been raining for 2 days, adding to my already depressed mood. i am going to have to put up a damn good fight to make things right for myself, at work... concerning my benefits.. and i don't know if i have the energy to do so.

one thing i am going to do whilst i have this time off is try to prepare a few manuscripts that i have been wanting to get published for years now. i purchased a "how to" guide on line and it arrived Saturday. i am going to throw myself into that project and see what happens. maybe nothing will, but if i don't try then i will never know if it could have.

i am usually the care taker of the family, but right now the tables have turned and i need a lil extra lovin and attention... it's unbelievable how i can't even muster up the energy to clean, do laundry, or anything else i used to enjoy... i feel bad that Diane has been left to do most of the work. she has been so wonderful about it. the boys could help more but they are teenagers, busy, and barely have time to complete the few chores they do have.

is it really wrong of me to wanna just up and go to some sunny beach where it's hot... and let the sun refresh me? obviously, i cant leave like that, but i want to..

THIS is where i need to be..

yes, please.

crp