"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


EaT, dRiNk, aNd bEaT mErrY...

Christmas is nearly here. this year is different for me and is taking some getting used to. firstly, I'm off work, receiving a 30% less than usual paycheck, and i spend my days in a Percocet funk. it feels like i am sitting on a chair as my life passes by me and there is nothing i can do about it but watch in that medicated stare one gets where you hardly blink, your eyes dry up and finally pop out awhile and dangle on your cheek... until someone who gives a shit walks by and kindly reinserts them for you.. yep, that's exactly how i feel. and although your body isn't really showing any signs of life as you sit there, deep inside your mind is yelling for help, your intestines are gurgling to burst, and you're screaming for someone to really stop to listen to what you are not saying.

i have not food shopped for Christmas yet. i would like to have our traditional ham and all the fixins on a peanut butter and jelly budget. water is plentiful and with a lil food coloring, the possibilities are endless. [I'm thinking ice cubes in different shapes and colors... reusable plastic green olives, and those lil drink umbrellas made out of ripped apart unused tampons and toothpicks..] ya know, everyday stuff one has lying around the house for emergencies.

then for ambiance, you have those old 45's that have more scratches on them than a whore's back. and they skip just enough when you play them to give one the impression they are tipsy as they listen to missed words, hiccup sounds, repetitive pronouns and such...for those who love the warmth of a fireplace but do not have a real one.... you take that ugly lil garbage can you've always hated with the 3 dried Q-tips stuck in the bottom, fill it with newspaper and empty spray cans you found in the alley and drop a match in it... POOF! there you have an instant fireplace complete with all the cracklin noises you can handle. that is, erm... IF it don't blow up..

a tree with twinkle lights? stick a wet finger into an unused electrical outlet and you'll have all the twinkle lights you can handle. you wont even need a tree.

prezzies? oh come on now, all ye faithful... joyful. and triumphant.

yep, those are your prezzies. words. enjoy them. they only come once a year.

much like your aunt Cora.

and your two uncle bob's who are married to her.. 

if you're waiting to see Santa drop down your chimney, but don't happen to have one this year- make your own. put up a sign on the street for the drunks who will be wandering that says free whiskey, walk this way----> of course pointing them to a very steep but stable rooftop where you have cut out a big hole into the "penthouse" apt... and as they reach out to grasp the picture of a whiskey bottle strategically placed on the other side of said hole, they drop one by one like bricks into the apt. below. CHA-CHING! you've got your very own Santa's down the chimney.

carolers. everyone loves the beautifully voiced angelic praises of carolers. nothing says Christmas like a group of drunks dressed in large flocks roaming the hood singing off key to songs they never learned the words to, like carolers.

and why are they called carolers? i bet not one in the bunch is even named carol.

oh. yes. there's always that lil red bucket and bell ringer every where you go. i am all for charities. but i could KILL the person who sees you comin and starts ringing the shit out of that bell so that as you pass by to enter the store, you have permanent hearing loss because they think the louder they ring the better chance of you dropping some change in the bucket.

not true. i say fucket to the bucket. you ring that bell one more time that loud and you'll be whistling it out yo' ass with every step you take. don't be taking your retained aggression you've saved up the whole freaking year, out on me by ringing the balls off a poor innocent metal bell just to get me to drop you some change. the only change you'll get by doing that is me changing you from a rooster to a hen with the .22 ml pistol i carry in my bra for such occasions. ask Carlotta who used to be Carlos... he'll tell ya.

all i can really say with true heartfelt meaning is happy holidays to you and yours....

eat, drink, and beat merry.... no one deserves it more.

all for one... and one for all.

or buy one, get one free.

this message is brought to you from the makers of really good drugs. R.G.D. an organization created with you in [and out of] your mind.



DysFUNctional Mom said...

You are totally brilliant! Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

Clippy Mat said...

You are a scream!
so much for being in a drug induced funk. Your mind is working overtime, and then some!! Thanks for all of those great tips. I've written them all down.....
Just make the most of being idle. It will pass soon enough and you'll be bustling about again in no time.

ChiTown Girl said...

Maybe you should consider just permanently staying on the drugs, and switching to a career in stand up! You crack my ass up, Woman!!!

Hope you're feeling a little better, and that that arm heals quickly!!

Busy Bee Suz said...

So really, tell us what is on your mind.
Fucket to the bucket? I don't think you should make shirts with that saying on it...I am just sayin'.
I hope you get your arm back soon and lose the drugs. I can see ONE thing you have not lost: your silly sense of humor.
Poor Merry.

Technodoll said...

You should write books, C, or at least columns in magazines cuz you are honestly one of the funniest and most original people I've ever met!

I've learned to never eat or drink anything when I read your blog, lest I choke.

Hugs to you!

From a house-poor babe freezing her bunbuns off up in canada-eh

Anonymous said...
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otin said...

I thought that some of it was funny, but some of it was sad also. I linked you in a post! Merry Christmas! I do not forget about you!

Jason, as himself said...

Percocet, apparently, does amazing things to one's writing ability! I'm thinking of getting me some of that for the next time I have blogger's block!

Whatever happens, you'll have a merry Christmas! Just don't beat Mary too hard.