the other night, a friend from work came over to "visit" as she put it... and brought at least 12 bags of groceries with her for us, including a turkey, a ham, all the fixins for diners to go with each plus more... and a bag of wrapped prezzies for me, each of my kids, Diane, my son-in-law and grandson! she stayed awhile and we had some tea. we actually had a very nice conversation. i was lost for words as she brought all the bags in, and i had tears in my eyes because of her generosity and kindness.
i also felt some shame as she is someone whom i didn't think liked me, and someone i thought would treat me differently when she found out i was gay.... as far as i know, she hasn't. when i gave her a hug, she held on so tight like she really meant it.
i am humbled.
i have clearly misjudged her and what i believed she thought of me.
for that i am very sorry. but my opinion of her didn't just create itself. she is someone whom i have had a difference of opinion with several times about work issues... and we have butted heads a few times when she was in charge and made a few unfair decisions concerning me and my work. so yes, i did have an opinion of what i thought she thought of me already formed in my mind based on these issues. which has caused me to react to her in ways i may have chosen to do so differently if i believed for even a moment that she liked me as a friend. i realize as i write this that i am guilty of basing my reaction to her based solely on how i thought she disliked me.
i am not that kind of person. not usually. i usually try to treat everyone the same, and be especially caring to someone who doesn't appear to care for me. i have always believed this was the best way to counteract the unkindness shown to me because i do not know what that person is living with in their personal life and maybe whatever negativity or pain they have is just coming out at me sideways. so i try to be extra caring to those kinds of people. and i say a prayer for them.
she is teaching me a lesson about myself that i needed to re-learn, because clearly i have not acted my best in this situation. i have been quick to blame her when she may have been innocent, and i have said a few things about her that i am now ashamed of and wish i could take back. all based on what i thought she thought of me.
so Santa, for this i deserve a lump of coal.