dear dad, today is fathers day. i don't know why it bothers me more this year than it has in the past, but i wish more than anything that i could bask in warm memories of father's day celebrations spent together from years past.... unfortunately as i recall, we never once did. it's been 27 years since your death and i feel like i never really got to know you, its more like i heard about you, mostly from mom and a few other family members. i have questions i need the answers to, i want to hear your side of things and how they happened, and realizing that i never will leaves an empty place in my heart. it has been difficult to shape you in my thoughts according only to what mom said about you. it leaves me longing for the unknown. i am trying to remember good memories you and i had, sometimes they are right there fresh in my thoughts and other times i have to search the locked places in my heart where i have stored my love for you..... as i had no where else to put it. dad, i don't know if i will ever see you again, my faith gives me the hope that i shall, but if i don't i will explode with anger, protest, and every ounce of energy i am..... that our time together was all too brief.... that i didn't get my fair share of you, that i never felt your acceptance, and that i was never enough to keep you from leaving. my pain will explode to the farthest stars in the universe and rain upon places that have only been whispered about. you cannot do this to me. i cannot spend eternity in that pain. i came to this world through you, and i have the right to feel like i have had you for a little while. it wasn't even like you died back then, although many times i had to pretend you did in order to go on... but you left us, you left me..... and when you did you took part of my heart and soul with you. what did you do with those pieces of me as you lived your life with your new family? did you ever think about me? did you ever miss me, wonder how i was doing, or wish we could be together? i know i sound very immature at the moment but that is the part of me you wounded, stunted, maimed... and she remains in my soul silent but always haunting me, waiting for the opportunity to come out and try to make it have a different ending.
when i was little, you gave me a small a.m. transistor radio to keep under my pillow at bedtime because you knew i loved music. mom didn't know or she would have taken it away. the songs sugar shack, and pineapple princess remind me so much of you. when you took me on the road with you in the semi, you would sing "roses are red" [by bobby vinton] to me... it was our song. if i hear it on occasion, do you know it still makes me cry for you? did you know every time i smell diesel or see a semi, it reminds me of how much you loved driving bus then being a trucker.... and how it would smell when you took me with you? remember when i broke my leg ice skating and you carried me home? how about the few holidays you were home in ct and we'd sing along with Mitch Miller, Connie Francis, and the chipmunks Christmas album? i played that for my kids when they were little, all the while enjoying their delight yet crying inside for those times with you. you've always been with me, dad. always there in the back of my mind.... like an old letter i can re-read when i feel lonely. we didn't have much time together and i never felt like you were mine, the way a daughter is supposed to feel her father is hers, but i loved you none the less. i can still remember how your white t-shirts smelled as i nestled my face against them.... and i would give anything to be able to talk to you again, and you would listen this time rather than ignoring me as you tried to pick up women.
i would be enough, this time.
where ever you are, i wish you a happy father's day for the first time in my life. i will always love you dad, and i will never quite be whole because you did not fill up what you should have. i really do hope we will see each other again, one day.