i never thought i would be writing this, but my worst fears have come true. my daughter has amputated me. she called me at work last week at a very busy moment, and i couldn't talk, let alone talk privately and freely. she said she had to discuss something with me and i told her i would call her the next morning as we were swamped with deliveries. she said if i hung up, we were done, as i was placing more importance on work than her issue. she proceeded to go on and i kept telling her i would call her in the morning. unfortunately it got to the point where i HAD to hang up. i was so busy, it was not a good time for me. i did try to call her the next morning but she didn't answer. we have been here before, she will ignore me for awhile and then comes around in her own time. today, i tried to call her, as i was missing her and Julian, only to discover my phone number has been blocked from calling her. MY NUMBER HAS BEEN BLOCKED. Diane and i were lounging in the pool when this occurred. first i was shocked, then i began to cry and my heart is just broken. she has gone too far this time, whatever game she is playing has just torn me up.... i feel weak and destroyed, like there has been a death in my family. i have not only lost her, but my beautiful Julian, too. it's making me cry and my heart aches even writing this.... i feel like i am being punished for something i didn't even do.
our relationship has been deteriorating for the last 4 years or so. we have had our ups and downs, mostly all the clashes we've had have been initiated by her, over silly things as if she has been trying to find an excuse to end our relationship or push me away. her husband told me once she feels like she has no one in her life, but him. her dad may have left her when she was 4, but i have NEVER left her. she brings things up from her past, that she has totally twisted around in her memory then tries to use it against me and hold me accountable for not having done enough for her at the time. its not true. i was there for her [them] every single moment, day in and day out. everything i did on a daily basis was planned and decided upon based on their needs. how can she even say that to me....
i can give her space and time, to figure out what her issues are... but it just kills me to no end that i will not be able to see Julian. he is my little angel, my jujube... and i cannot bear the thought of life without him in it.... or losing any part of his growing up years.... my health isn't the greatest and i fear that if something were to happen to me, she would be left with guilt and sorrow beyond her comprehension. i cant stand the thought of her going through that. i would never rest in peace where ever we go from here... and what if, god forbid, something happened to her or Julian... how could i go on? she doesn't realize the hell she would leave me in... i don't know what she is telling Julian about Diane and i, but he loves us so much, enjoys his time with us.... and i am sure he is asking about us. what if all he knows of me is what she tells him, and he never gets to know me. he is nearly 4 now, and i have so many things i want to do with him, and tell him about.... i need him, i need them.
i have decided to create another little blog and write Julian letters there. they should only be given to him if something happens to me.... maybe when he is older he will understand why i am not there for him right now, and that it wasn't my choice. please pray for us..... that my beautiful daughter whom i would give my life for, will have a change of heart. i love her and Julian so much.... so much.