"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

5/10/2009


mother's day is nearly over now. i spent a quiet afternoon reading my fave blogs and a few new ones. i became very emotional as all but one gave praises to their mothers, and/or grandmothers. i thought it was fantastic that people have that kind of relationship with their moms, but at the same time i started missing having that, and the longing was right there fresh and painful. even if my mother were still alive today, we wouldn't be close. first of all she would disown me as a lesbian. and if she didn't do that, she would certainly taint my relationship with Diane by making very nasty, dirty sexual remarks like she did about my husband and i, back in the day. as far back as i remember, she sexualized everything, all the time.... and i was in my 30's when i finally realized how uncomfortably dirty i had always felt around her. the comments she made and the accusatory looks she would have gave me the creeps. i had grown so accustomed to feeling uncomfortable that i didn't even realize it. i cant explain how bad it was, but let it suffice to say she was one of my abusers. she interfered and tainted every aspect of my life. i just didn't know the severity of it was until she was gone.

the parental bond is planted so deeply that a child will put up with anything just to keep it connected, out of fear of abandonment. i read a story once about a mother who set her 2 year old son on fire to stop his crying. on his death bed in the hospital, he screamed for his mommy until his last precious breath. as horrific as that is, it demonstrates the strength of the child-parent bond. virtually unbreakable. i so believe it. i was made to feel like a complete incompetent in everything i did, told that i was stupid and would never amount to anything, nearly everyday growing up. i believed it, was full of shame, hated myself, yet kept my mom on that pedestal like kids do.... [a child will blame themselves rather than believe their parent could do wrong]. after her death it took me nearly a year in therapy to even admit she may have done something wrong or bad to me.... and a long time after that to begin to hold her accountable for her actions, in order to heal myself and let go of the past.

every year on mother's & father's day, i wonder what it would have been like to be close to my parents, to feel the security of their arms, to give and receive non sexualized affection and touch, to know i was loved, to be respected, and be able to express my love in return.... [my mother rejected any show of affection from us], to feel what i can only imagine it must feel like to have a pure, kind, gentle relationship with my mom. i have never known that. i never will. the time has passed for such things, for me. which made me more determined to give those things to my children. it has always been a priority for me as a mother. i can only hope i have done so.

i had my hopes up today that i would experience some results of that. my oldest son had something to do late this afternoon and opted to take Diane and i out later this week to celebrate mother's day. Emily worked all day and i didn't hear from her until i called her to wish her a happy mother's day. i didn't know what was planned so i made a spaghetti sauce early this morning and it simmered all day as it usually does. when she got off work at 4pm i invited her, hubby, and Julian for dinner. only she came and i was so disappointed that i didn't get to see Julian, too. he was at his other grammas all day, and her hubby didn't feel well, so Emily came alone. she stayed about 45 minutes, ate, gave me a card, and left. i bought her a t-shirt and i don't think she really liked it. my son Christopher made us a card this morning, and Alex gave me some earrings, brought us breakfast from panera, and made us a card. [they were both gone all day at work]. i feel a little let down though, with my 2 oldest.... and warm and fuzzy with the 2 youngest. i also feel guilty for feeling this way.... but reading blogs with posts full of love and appreciation for their moms and making the day special... left me feeling melancholy, sad, and wishful.... that i could know what safe love and affection from a parent feels like, as my innocence was lost at a young age, [by my mother, a neighbor, an uncle and a cousin]. perhaps i expect too much..... maybe i would never be satisfied.... i will obviously never know for sure.

Alex has 3 days of school left. he graduates next Saturday and that will certainly be another emotional experience for me. i cant believe he is 18, and graduating.
he would like his father to attend his graduation and then the BBQ we will have here afterwards. we discussed this at dinner when Emily was here. David always blames his wife as to why he doesn't attend important functions for the kids, however Emily informed us tonight that its really him who doesn't want to attend. she said she has heard his wife tell him to go and attend functions and he chooses not to. she also said she has been there when Alex calls their dad and he wont answer it because "he always wants to do something and i don't want to." i nearly choked on my dinner, luckily Alex had finished and gone to his room, but Diane and i couldn't believe it. how can i tell Alex something like that.... bless his heart, he keeps trying to build a relationship with his dad, when obviously his dad doesn't want to reciprocate, and doesn't even have the decency to tell him. its heart wrenching to me, as that always leaves Alex waiting and trying... and wondering why. my father did the same to me. i wanted to go live with him at one point when i was 14 and he flat out said no, i couldn't. hearing what David said tonight cuts me from both sides. i just want to hold my son and love him for both of his parents, but i cant. i did so when they were little, it would be inappropriate now. does one ever get over trying to be both parents when you know you cant be, yet you love them so much, you want to protect them, be everything for them, and meet all of their needs....? now with my kids the ages they are, i can only pray the damage doesn't run too deep, and they too will find a way to heal from their losses of not having their father act like he should. the fucking emotionally unavailable lieing bastard fucktard......

crp

6 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

"fucking emotionally unavailable lying bastard fucktard" huh? What the hell is with all the compliments? I think he should share the title Cocksucking Jagoff with MY ex!! Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

Happy Mother's Day, my sweet friend. :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

Awww....lots of feelings going on here..up, down, round and round.
YOu do the best you can with what you have...no good ex husband?? ahhh...the kids will figure it out eventually that the dad is an idiot. You don't need to tell them.

Take care, suz

jo.irish.rose said...

tatoone, alex knows that his dad doesn't want to do things with him. he is smarter than that. he has to be!! after all these years of begging him to do things with him and him not, the jerk, alex knows what kind of dad he has. but like you said in your earlier post about the mother who set her son on fire, he still called for her on his death bed. alex will always go to his dad no matter how much he rejects him and hurts him. the damage will be done, and you will be there to mend all the little pieces as always. you have with all the other kiddos and you will with alex. but you are strong, you have learned and made it through your time of troubles and you will guide them too. i am praying for them and you too. your ex-moron is an A-hole. i love you bunchies. remember...we have a secret...dont tell....k?

DysFUNctional Mom said...

This is so sad. You deserve better than the crap you have had to deal with, from your mother and your abusers.
I wish you'd had a happier Mother's Day.
xoxo

Jason, as himself said...

Well, I can see that you have figured out that no matter the circumstances, what matters most is where we go from here, and how do we take charge of our lives in spite of the horrible offenses of others.

And don't worry, there are plenty of other people out there whose parents are/were less than favorable, horrible even. Sometimes holidays are just so CRUEL.

joe said...

Okay, I'll fess up. I'm the only one who didn't give praise to my mom on Mother's Day. Mom doesn't deserve me. No, she deserved WAY better, but she got what she got...
Excuse me while I go grab a bag of Doritos. All this guilt's really making me hungry..