"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

5/10/2009

has anyone ever gone shopping for a mother's day card [or any special occasion card, for that matter] only to find that you cant find an appropriate card that says just what you want it to say, because you don't really have a normal relationship with your family? me too. nothing fit my family members. yet i wanted to let them know i was thinking of them. [as long as they didn't know what i was thinking...] i usually settled for a blank card, and then would write what i wanted inside. or i would make one. but there really aren't cards available out there that tap the ole imagination for those hard to buy for families, are there? so i thought of creating my own. here's a few examples.....

1. thanks for being my parent. you suck at it.
2. wish i could say i love you but sorry, i cant.
3. as far as moms go, that's how far I'd throw ya.
4. dad, go back to your third family.
5. sis, you are a whore.
6. sis, you'll never be the man your mother was.
7. can i trade you in for a nicer model?
8. worlds greatest..... erm, bitch?
9. let's go fishing dad. so i can push you in.
10. you say you love me like it's a believable thing....
11. just cuz you wash my clothes doesn't mean you own me.
12. look. i let you pretend to be my parent. so don't push it.
13. we both know what you really are.
14. you're not the boss of me.
15. there's a really nice orphanage up the street. can i move there?
16. dad, why you no good cheatin, lieing, dealing bastard....
17. dad's paying you to raise me. so do your job.
18. don't tell me to do my chores. its your job.
19. bro, why you such a pimp...
20. why should i call you dad when you don't act like one?
21. i cant believe we came from the same uterus.
20. you are the meanest mom in the world. but you cook good.
21. caution; parents are hazardous to your health.
22. dad, you are an embarrassment to all pet lovers.
23. bro, mom says you are the best french kisser in the whole family.
24. when i grow up, i don't wanna be just like you.
25. sober up, bitch, and take care of me.
26. what poor excuses for parents, you both are.
27. it's your birthday. so? is it supposed to mean something to me?
28. today is your anniversary.... why don't you get a divorce.
29. i didn't ask to be born. at least, not to you.
30. sis, i know you're only 12, but quit smoking in front of your kids.

well that's just a few off the top of my head. can you think of any more? come on now, surely there are others out there who can relate. or be related. or can berate the related....

crp
PS
[no family members were injured in the making of this post.]
[i'm serious.]
[ honest.]
[true dat.]

8 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh my freaking God!!! You are totally in the wrong profession!!!! You need to start printing these up, ASAP!! You have me howling and crying here at the computer at 5:15 in the morning. The dog thinks I'm crazy!! What an awesome way to end the day. Or, wait, is that start the day? I don't know, I'm going to bed!

FrankandMary said...

Darkly funny & oh so true. I really did laugh out loud at several of these.
Happy Happy Mother's Day. ~Mary

Marissa said...

Hahahaha! The funny thing is, in my darkest moments, I think a couple of these applied to me. Hahahha!

SkylersDad said...

You need to start your own card company!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Yep, I think you could make a killing too.

CJ xx

Busy Bee Suz said...

Too funny!!!
You have all bases covered for the family!!!

Technodoll said...

He he! Hallmark Cards That Never Made It! LOL!

My brain's too fried to come up with anything and besides, you got them all I think!

Hope you had a terrific mother's day!

xoxo

jo.irish.rose said...

i have one...

dad, you are just the sperm donor, shut up!

i have more but they are a little on the risque side, and i wanted to keep it pg-13 or in that neighborhood. love you, toone.