"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


i have just spent the better part of the
afternoon reading other blogs,
having thoughts fill my mind as
feelings are provoked of things gone by...
and right now, i am feeling very emotional.
i have so many feelings and thoughts going on
that if i don't get them out, i will explode.
i read Jason's blog about his journey
of coming to terms with his homosexuality.
i related to many things he said,
specially feeling like i didn't belong,
not being enough, living through deception
rather than truth, and all sorts of pain
inflicted to ones' self and others, consequently.
that doesn't even include my own coming
to terms of my being gay.
i am talking about relating to his feelings,
just being me and growing up in my life.
[my own coming out is a whole other
story which i may write about another time].

i know all sorts of people can relate to
Jason's feelings if they have ever been beaten down.
I'm referring to the ones who have been
persecuted for being different from the persecutor...
with that "difference" being the only reason for
the persecution. many of us
unfortunately fall into that category.
so i ask......
why does it have to be so hard?
we all grow up despite our family and home life,
however far that might swing in either
direction of good to bad. and we all strive
for the same thing in this world,
which is simply to be accepted, to belong,
and to be loved. yet there are so many
obstacles to conquer just to achieve those things.
they are formed by the one thing we should
be the most accepted and loved in, as that is the main point of that particular establishment-
church. that is supposed to be the one place
where all feel welcomed, cherished, safe,
respected, accepted and loved.
well fuckmehard because all of the
establishments called church that i have
known through out my life have been everything
except those things. and i wanted it to
be all those things, SO BADLY.
one of the things Jason's blog brought up
for me, is religion. as a child i attended
catholic religious education once a week,
where we young'uns learned about god and
his teachings. i learned that no matter
what i ever did in my whole entire life, i
would NEVER as in EVER be good enough to
be with god when i died. despite the arduous
actions of the priests and nuns to
"learn us god's teachings", i was told that i
would have to burn in fire in a place
called purgatory to be cleansed of my sins,
before i could go to heaven.
in my young child's mind, i pictured a
train station where you arrived, got off the train,
were taken to a place and shoved into a fire.
you didn't die. you just stood there burning.
how fucking scary is that to a child to be told
you will be put into a fire?
well then, if you committed the really big
sins such as breaking any of the 10 commandments,
you wouldn't even qualify to go to purgatory
then on to heaven.
[you would not pass go or attain
a get out of jail free card-]
you would just go
straight to hell and burn for all eternity
with other bad people and the devil.
hearing these things frightened me to the core,
because i knew i would never be good
enough to be with god.
then came my questions to the nuns...
"what is the purpose of life if we can never be good
enough to be with god"
i asked... "because",
said the nuns, "that's what the bible says
and the bible is god's word."
but that doesn't make sense to me, i replied.
(it never has and still doesn't.) just shut up and
do your work, Christine. so i did.
i believed from an early age that god
was mean and vindictive, yet everyone
kept saying he loved me.
how conflicting for a child. how conflicting
for anyone. yet, as a child you would do
anything just to gain god's approval of you,
just as a child in an abusive home will still love
the abusive parent because gaining their
approval of you is less painful than the
abandonment that would replace it.
that acceptance and love is vital to us in order to survive.
burning in fire = god loving you.
(and what about all those horrible things
he did to the people he "loved" in the
old testament),
heaven, was described
as a beautifully perfect place where you
wanted for nothing and would be filled with
peace and love. and there were angels.
we would all be angels.
psychologically, it is a nightmare for a
child to be told these things.
it doesn't make any sense. and when
you asked questions, no one gave you an answer.
you were shushed up. why?
in my opinion because the clergy and people of
the cloth didn't know themselves how to
justify the conflicting stories in order for it to
make any make sense to anyone.
regardless, i tried to be the good catholic girl
and grew up going to church every Sunday,
got married there, had my children baptized there,
and attempted to raise my children within the
catholic church and they would go to a
catholic school. it all started off that way.
and it worked for a while. that is until my mother died and
i began questioning my past, getting into therapy,
questioning my sexuality, and looking for
answers and guidance within the church.
i think i have always hated going to church.
to this day i cannot even attend midnight mass on
Christmas eve, because i am so uncomfortable there.
first of all, i must have a shit load of issues
still buried deep within me, because the
moment they begin to sing songs in church
i get so emotional, i start crying.
and while I'm crying, i feel like i am crying for myself,
as i will never ever be good enough
to be with god. then when i realized i was gay,
there is no FUCKING way i could be with god
now as that sin ranks right up there with murder.
and no one wants a gay in their church.
so my tears represented my shame as i stood
there among people of god, in gods house,
for not being good enough, for being less than human,
for being so ugly and rotten. and bad.
and small enough to be squished by god's foot.
to this day, it is still too painful for me
to go to church, knowing who and what i am,
to stand before him in shame.
you don't EVEN have to play any music.
i forgot to mention that i was molested by a
neighbor from the age of 5 until i was 9-10.
and i forgot to mention that this is the same
man who lived with his family in the same
projects we did, that my mother made me go
to church with every Sunday.
and i forgot to mention that in church,
he sat me on. his. lap. right next to the wife
and kids. the whole time the priest was
preaching and that big cross of
Jesus was staring down at me,
his hands slipped under. my. dress.
while he fingered me in the front row of
St. Andrews church in New Britain, CT.
i stared at that cross begging Jesus to save me,
feeling so ashamed, SO dirty, but he never did.
after church, he pulled me close to him in the
front seat of his car with his wife right next to me,
staking his claim that i was his.
it was so hot out. i would sweat.
i was wearing dresses with lace slips
under them that i didn't wanna wear
but my mother made me. they stuck to my skin
in the heat and felt so creepy.
to this day i can only have cotton against my skin.
we would arrive to his apt, and my mom
would come over. they all spoke french so
they were friends. Donald Siroux
(his name has NOT been changed to protect the guilty bastard)
would take his 2 children and i,
upstairs to "play" whilst my mother and
his wife visited over coffee.
he said we were going to play war games.
he tied his 2 kids up back to back on a chair and
said we were all prisoners, and he had to take
me into the next room to interrogate me.
on he and his wife's own bed, he molested me.
did things to me and made me do things to
him that would make your skin crawl.
he told me time after time that if i EVER told
anyone, he would do these things to my
2 younger sisters and little brother.
so i never did. i had to protect them.
i never mentioned a word of this until
i was an adult. my question remains.....
why does it have to be so hard?
why is life valued good or bad depending on
the environment that surrounds us with people who judge us, whom we don't even know? if any one of you
who think being gay is so very perverted
and wrong, or being black is less than good
and standard, or being Jewish is genocide
material, or being ANYTHING but what
YOU are, is not enough, not right, and should be annihilated..... all i have to say to you is....
i love you anyway.
i love you despite yourself.
and I'll tell you how i got there.
and remember, this is just MY opinion....
i am NOT trying to convert anyone to anything.)

i believe god made each one of us.
i think he wanted to separate the weak from the strong.
he wanted to test our values and whether or
not we were living by Jesus's example
of loving thy neighbor, and doing unto others
as we would want them to do unto us.
so he made a variety of us.
so life wouldn't get boring.
he wanted to see how we'd all get along.
even though we are identical on the inside,
our skins came in many colors,
and our souls came in many flavors.
at least that's how i like to look at it.
it really is just that simple. some day,
when we see god, and we will....
how will we explain our actions towards those we have judged and persecuted just because they were different from us?
i have sinned in ways too numerous to count...
but i have always wanted to believe
loved me, and i could and would be with him
one day. i have hope of that. yet, sometimes
i get tired of being here, in this world with all
of its pain and atrocities. i want to be free of it.
all i can say is; live and let live.
love and be loved.
unite, as we are all in this together.
take off the glasses.
SEE that we are all ONE.
the sooner we realize and accept this,
the better our planet will be.

[it is much later now, as i had to stop
writing this post to attend the Oscars
in my very fashionista dress which i made from a
garbage bag and newspaper and cherry pits.
i am trying to be GREEN baby. green.]



Anonymous said...

Sat you on his lap next to the wife & kids? When I was younger I thought all people like that were totally insane, but as I grew older I realized they knew how to act "sane" many times when they'd have got caught if they did not. They were situational insane. ..whenever they thought it benefited them to behave in a sane manner, they seemed to be able to.

Those feelings of being lost, different, misunderstood, I believe are universal, but some go through them with much more intensity.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I don't even know what to say. You have been abused, by the creep and by the church. I never understood who or why the chuch would set the sexual standards for all of the universe. It does not make sense. I am glad that you got this off your chest....it is heartbreaking what you have been through. Sorry for that....I hope that perv is dead from a horrid case of facial herpes.
I had a hard time concetrating on the beginning of the post because of that cat thing licking the screen on the right...that is not right. ;0
take care, suz

ps. I missed seeing your dress last night...must go watch the tivo version.

kimber p said...

I can't think of much else to say other than I can totally relate to pretty much everything you've spilled in here. The religion part, the abuse part and wondering about the fairness and the point of it all....you are stronger than you know. It may never make sense, but don't let it win.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that horror. Nobody deserves that.

Hugs to you

jo.irish.rose said...

tatoone, for all the times i let you down, je t'aime avec tout mon coeur. ta petite jojo

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, C, I'm so very sorry you had to endure such hell as a child. That fucking piece of shit bastard should die a slow and painful death 100 times over. I wish I could just come right over there and hug you, but until I can do it in person, you'll have to settle for {{{hugs}}}.

MLC said...

I am so very sorry for the abuse you suffered -- I don't even know what to say but I send you compassion.

C said...

i have tears in my eyes from the support you guys have given, and the understanding. yes, many of us have lived thru alot of shit but as they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. sometimes my past haunts me when i relate to another who had similar pain. and i just needed to get it off my chest. it doesnt usually affect me like that. i think my defences are just down due to my gimpiness of late.
mary, i know what you mean about those bastards looking and acting cool in public when inside the pervs are just plotting their next attack.




jo you have never let me down, toone... please don't feel like you have. cuz you dint.

whatya mean you didnt see my dress, suz? i was right up there next to queen latifa, and then again between goldie hawn and meryl stripper i mean streep.
and i stood in for penelope cruz, as she felt sick suddenly. (could it be that sardine in her milkshake?)

BTW, that lil pussy on my sidebar? she's very important as she keeps my blog shiny clean.... when i log off, she goes around to all my posts and my bloggie friends and keeps us spick n span. would you like her to come over and clean yours, too?


Technodoll said...

I think (and hope) that we have evolved somewhat in child protection and awareness the past couple of decades, or did we only lift the blanket and shine the light on what really does go on in some places... lots of creepy crawlies to deal with. Ugh.

(( hugs )) and thank you for such an honest, heartbreaking and eye-opening post. You are one strong mama :-)

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, Christine. This post took a lot of guts. I deeply appreciate your honesty. I'm glad (I think) that you were able to relate to my story, and thank you for mentioning it here. The more and more people like us talk and write and accept ourselves and expect others to accept us, the sooner we will be considered good and treated equally by all.

I'm looking forward to reading your coming out story. I hope it wasn't as painful as the things that happened to you when you were a little girl.

Thanks for commenting and drawing my attention over this way. I will see you around!

Love, Jason

C said...

welcome jason.... i am truly happy to hear from you. yeah, i will be posting my coming out at some point. keep checkin back! and thank you for the inspiration to do so. people like you and my other bloggie friends help me feel like i can talk about ANY thing thats on my mind and i SO appreciate that.


Clippy Mat said...

hey there: just had to have a bloggy fix today and thought i'd catch up with you. then i read this post and first i am sad, then i am mad. the anger that i feel towards a man who would do to you what that piece of shit did is beyond reason. how can the other adults around you not know these things? you must have suffered so much!!
i hurt for you. i am sure that being in church stirs up bad memories and feelings for you and that's understandable. I am a catholic girl too. our church has caused a lot of pain to many people but i don't believe that God did that. He loves all of us. It's his misguided followers who abuse their power and interpret His words to suit their needs I believe. Why should you be deprived of his love and peace because of what other people think???
Thank you for your honesty and your frank revelations. I am still not blogging as I said but I will come back again and check up on you.
Keep up your soul searching and revelations. Truth will set you free.
Love and big hugs,
your friend,
Pat xx

C said...

thank you for everything you said, you are SUCH a dear. and I SO appreciate it. I also agree with you about god, I know he didn't do it, but as a child I couldn't understand why he didn't stop it. it was only as an adult in the last 25 years or so, that I had to let go of the old catholic punishing god that we were taught, and think of him rather as a parent, and would ANY parent do any of the terrible things that's in the old testament, or that the catholic church teaches, to one of their kids? HELL TO THE NO. so why then, do they teach this? I think you hit it on the nail when you said its the people that invoke their own inadequacies and desires into god's word... and I agree it may be for many reasons, but I think mainly for the power. I mean, come on, frustrated and celibate old nuns and priests taught us that shit. how could they ever know what its like to have children... I relearned about a loving god, who even if we do bad things, he sees our hearts and knows why. if nothing else, why is life worth anything, even living, if we cannot achieve our goal to be with him, one day. it just didn't make any sense to me before I redid my spirituality.
hey, its like a really bad blog for me.... in order to have any faith and spirituality, I had to delete and redo it. yeah.
you are a very kind person, you really really are. and I am so glad to know you, even if only on here. you are someone I would have as a friend if you lived nearby. thank you clipparooni.
and tell me please... where the fuck is Helen at? I hope she is not ill.

catchya on the bloggie side....


Clippy Mat said...

hi Chris: just had to pop back after reading your response to my comments to say thanks for that and to say that helen is fine. she had had computer probs and was offline for a while. then she came back but that coincided with ME not blogging. she is having some RSI issues with her wrist and is only emailing a little bit at the moment. she didn't want to do her blog right now, so we're both on a break i guess.
i'm sure one or both of us will be back at some point. maybe.??
hope your shoulder is getting better. :-)