liFe in da 'hQQd...

It's late Friday night as I lay in my bed, and I can see part of the neighborhood and the people who live across the street. I felt the need to write and got up. I find it comforting to know there are people sitting out on their stoop, socializing in a quiet way. Out back of my building, is full of little kinda run down houses but many families with lots of kids, live in them. Everyone seems to know each other on that block, and most are of Hispanic origin. Every weekend and on Friday nights, they take turns gathering at each other's houses, cook out, eat together, and the kiddies play under the sprinkler or ride their little bikes. They like to set up tables, piñata's, toys for the kids, and I must say that even though I no longer eat much meat, the smell of their food is always enticing. Every time I come and go, I see them. We say hi to each other from a distance, or just wave or nod. Basically, just acknowledging each other's presence as a part of the 'hood. Geez that makes me sound like an old person.... as I know for a fact they cannot all understand or speak English very well. But that's ok with me, just knowing they are there brings me a small sense of community. Both men and women work as vendors, pushing little carts with fried pork skins in bags, hanging from the tops. And I just know their carts are filled with all the goodies their culture likes, and I also know everything is authentic & home made. Ever eat from a taco truck? I like that ambition to make a little extra money. At my house before I moved here, we did not really interact with our neighbors, and it felt isolating. I'm the kind of person who likes to know I am not alone in my area when bad weather strikes, or the power goes out etc... But here, I can rest easier knowing families surround me, even if I don't know them, I know they are there. In the distance, people are still shooting off their fireworks, probably bought too many, and here it is nearly 3 days out from the holiday. I could see some from my windows, I've always loved watching fire works and now that my kids are grown, I'm just not into that any more. This too, brought me comfort knowing the delight these neighborhood kids must have felt. It's a small break filled with awe and fun for them, as many live without air conditioning, and probably don't get the child hoods they should due to low incomes and such. Since my daughter is of Hispanic origin I gladly embrace their culture and enjoy observing how closely knit as a people they are. I also embrace all ethnic cultures as each one is different, but yet all the same. We are all just one people, trying to live in peace and acceptance. We  all do the best we can with what we have. I know there are always exceptions and bad people ARE out there. I am just thankful I don't see much of that, here. But I am not naïve enough to think crime isn't everywhere, because unfortunately it is. Wealth or poverty, color of skin and race, are the factors that give each culture a really bad name. If my arms were big enough, I would hug every last one of them in appreciation for where they have come from and who they are evolving to be. There's too much pain and sorrow in our past for some cultures, that should have never been allowed to happen. Although I was raised in a very judgmental family, and our village consisted of only white people, I have always wept in my soul for the tortured and injustice that mankind has done to each other. It makes me sad that it still goes on today. Some where on this planet, people and animals alike are being tortured needlessly, and there is nothing I can do about it, but pray. Unfortunately, c'est la vie in this world. So as I stated earlier, I had all these thoughts running through my head and couldn't lay still long enough to fall asleep. It's a hot, sultry night here in the Midwest, 111 degrees was the high today, and at 11:27 it is still 90 degrees. God bless those without air conditioning, and the homeless. How in the world do they survive every year? I count myself very blessed to have the smallest of amenities for my personal comfort.

My sister has a little pool, it's an old plastic horse tank some one gave her. It's 14 ft. x 4 ft., and I have been enjoying being in it all this past week. I can't be in the sun long, due to some of my medications, but it gets shaded towards mid afternoon. I miss my pool we had at the house, SO much and this too helps me deal with the longing I have always had to be in water... after all, I AM a Scorpio. It's me nature. As far as an update on my health, I have been released to drive myself, which takes the stress of feeling like a burden to my kids, who have done what they could to help me, driving Miss Daisy all over town... However, since that release to drive, I no longer qualify for home health, or OT/PT in my home. I am looking forward to next week as I am finally ready for cardiac rehab, which will hopefully increase my stamina, endurance, and such. Since I have been home two weeks today, I have been very weak, very fatigued, and can't do too much or I feel as though I will collapse. I alternate using a walker, and my cane, every where I go, except in the apt. Here, I can hold on to furniture if needed as it is a small studio apt. I went to Wal-Mart the other day to get scripts and groceries, and I am not ashamed to say that I use the electric handy crapped scooters they have, as I cant walk a lot yet. That particular wally world only has 3 scooters, one is broken, and the other two seem to always be in use. I have gotten to the store twice now, only to cancel me shopping because of it. Another thing is, my taste buds are STILL out of whack, my favorite foods taste very "off" to me, and I am having trouble finding foods I can at least get down. Even water tastes off, and I love to drink water. The only positive in all that is my weight loss, nearly 50 lbs. lighter, I am discovering myself again as I was in my youth. Hey me skins are not toned and firm, they kinda just hang there, but I feel better, healthier, and I really don't care what I look like naked. In the past, I was a very bad girl when it came to taking care of my diabetes and just myself, in general.. Since my surgery, however, I am so proud of myself as I have been able to keep my glucose levels mostly within normal range. The doc says my type 2 diabetes may even resolve itself as more weight comes off. That would be fantastic! My sternum incision is all healed now and not as bad as I imagined it to be. If anyone doesn't like it, too bad, because I really just don't care about the trivial little stuffs as I did before. I swear that this heart attackkkkkkkkkk has changed my life. It was my wake up call to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. And I am doing it!!! Finally at the ripe ole age of 56 I am giving myself the care and love I should have been giving myself all along. And let me say this; when you are laying in the ICU unit with 3 tubes down your throat, can't talk, fully alert, hands tied down, and helpless to even scratch your nose if it's itchy, it changes you. I couldn't breathe on me own, a machine had to do it for me and it was horrible. And let's not even go to the suctioning of phlegm's, shittin me self many times a day from the antibiotics, and choking... Uh-un. I don't know why it sometimes takes a hard slap in the face to open my eyes and realize how lucky I am to be alive. Now if only the shortness of breath would diminish, I'd be good. I get it so bad and so quickly that I have to stop what I am doing to sit down. The doc says my lungs and labs and O2 sats are all normal, it's just due to the deconditioned state I was in prior to the surgery, and so it will take me longer to recover.

On the job front, my position has been eliminated, they laid off 30% in our unit alone. But the hospital has been very good to me, and HR is trying to place me in another position I am able to do. I am also applying online to positions that sound interesting to me, and I've been told by my boss and HR that I will have priority over someone applying from the "outside." That's if I can achieve a state of health that will allow me to work. At this point, I am so clumsy and wobbly, I lose me balance very easily when I walk or stand up due to the neuropathy in my feet. So I have applied for disability and all that jazz, and have NO clue what my future holds for me. I want to work, I enjoy it. But at this time I have no idea what lies ahead for me. I've been through so much, one thing after another, but today at least my kidneys are functioning close to normal so no more dialysis, all me numbers are within normal limits, my fibro seems to have quieted down~ the bitch, and I just need to strengthen up. Maybe by next year at this time, I'll try out for the Olympics! HAH! 

I am not in emotional turmoil any longer over the loss of Diane, it was a gift in disguise and it didn't kill me, but has made me stronger. Boy, that sounds so cliché, (cuz it is!) Financially I'm fucked as I once again have no income. But at least my bills and rent are paid for July. August? Well the world could end before August then I wont have to worry! Otherwise I am holding tight to my faith that there is a plan, a GOOD plan, for me when it's all said and done. In the meantime, I will enjoy my sister's lil pool, work on crocheting a throw blanket for me couch, work on publishing a book, and poems, and 2 children's stories from years ago. Who knows, I could be the new black in the way of writers! I look forward to cardiac rehab and getting stronger every day. Hey, I even got my hairs cut the other day, very pixie short, it's a Dora-bowl!! My face has really thinned enough so I can carry it off. Monday, me new glasses should be in, they are purple & pink. I'm goin' retro/in-style/and trendy and if me name was Wendy, it would rhyme.

Life, as I know it, is good.

C