"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

3/07/2012

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I have deleted the prior post and I'll tell you why... I feel as though I published it in haste, leaving myself vulnerable if Diane were to read it. It sounded much like I was forgiving her for what she did at the end, and I am not there yet. I only meant to analyze my own mistakes over the years, take responsibility for them, and hopefully learn some long overdue life lessons. It also sounded like all was well with me now, where she was concerned, but it's not. Don't get me wrong, I was doing better than I have been in the past. I feel I took a few steps forward away from the hell hole of pain I was caught in, by looking at the behaviors I discussed, however something happened that upset me and made me angry, today. Diane has kept in touch with the kids here and there. She asked one of them to ask me if I still had the folder on my computer that contained many of the pictures she had taken here... And if so, could this particular child of mine come by, copy it to a flash drive and send it to her? My first thought was why didn't she shoot me an email and ask me to send her them? I probably would have without hesitancy, but I feel disrespected, over looked, perhaps... that she didn't. Could it be because she has amputated me and every thing to do with me, since her return to England? But now that she wants something she was in too much of a rush to leave to think about taking with her, she wants them. However, she cant bring herself to ask ME for them. She is using my child as a messenger and I won't have it. Am I in the right here, or am I just acting like a child...? It's not in my heart to attempt to take revenge, and that is certainly not my intention in this matter... But I feel like I am being used once more so she can get what she wants. She hasn't the courtesy to ask me to send them, because that would mean she would HAVE to contact me, talk to me.. and God forbid that should happen. Yet I am supposed to just up and full fill her requests? I don't think so. I have been used enough. I'm trying not to sound like a bitch but for someone to ask for something from me after they have totally amputated me, despite our promise to remain friends, is beyond me. I wont do it. I was actually contemplating sending that particular folder to her, the other day out of love I still have for her, but I'm so glad right now that I didn't because if I had, I know I would be feeling like she got one more thing from me that she didn't deserve. I can't and won't compromise myself again just to please her. To me, it would defeat the little progress I have already made to let go of her, and move on. Instead, I am using this request to validate yet one more time to myself that she is no longer the version of the person I loved so deeply. It's helping me to see her for the user she really is. I wish her no harm nor do I want to imply she is a bad person. However, I wish me no harm, either~ And I'm putting MYSELF first.

Any thoughts?

C

7 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

I think that SHE might be trying to go around you as to NOT hurt you anymore????
As for the post you deleted....I read some of it, then it was gone. poof.
Please don't beat yourself up for your parenting...none of us are perfect and WE did do better than OUR parents. That is an improvement and you get a lot of points for improvement.
xoxoxox

Maria said...

Glad you got rid of the post. It is good to analyze and improve, but you really are way too good at self bashing, Chris. You need to see your worth. I've been reading your blog for a long time and you are an excellent parent as far as I can see.

And (now don't get MAD)...children tend to remember the slights far easier than the all the times you slung yourself out of bed to come to their rescue in the middle of the night. Or as my friend, Harriet, said, "I feel as if I give and give and give ALL THE TIME and then all my eldest son can remember is that I forgot to bake a marble cake this time for his birthday instead of the chocolate one that he loved and insisted on for ten years!"

As far as Diane goes, I disagree with Suz. I think it is not only cowardly but detrimental for her to use your children that way. It is unfair to them and mean spirited to you. I would send an e-mail to her and tell her that if she wants those photos (or anything else) she can ask you and you will send them along. And I would tell her that it is not fair to put your children in the position of being messenger. That is so damaging to all of you, particularly them because it puts them in the position of having to play sides, so to speak.

ChiTown Girl said...

I agree with Maria's last paragraph.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing about the last post (that it would, in some way, give D some insight she shouldn't be privy to) but I didn't want to mention it. This is, after all, YOUR blog!!

xoxox

greg said...

I think this is a good opportunity to show your children that you are the bigger person. The photos belong to Diane and although she is going about getting them in such a sneaky way - that's actually been consistent with her behavior for a long time now. She's been sneaky and unfair. for a looong time. You have not been that type of person and you shouldn't let her actions influence the person you are. This is not about her treating you badly, this is about you treating yourself well.

Clippy Mat said...

do what your heart tells you is right for YOU! you've been left to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together so be kind to yourself as much and as often as you can. :D

jo.irish.rose said...

Toone, you know how I feel....I love you and support you and wish all this would just be all over!!!! Bleh!!!

kristi said...

I feel like she should have asked you out of respect. But it doesn't seem like she was very respectful of your feelings for a long time now.