"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.



Dear Diary... How many times have I ever found myself envying what I perceived another to have, just because it looked fantastic from where I stood? I know I can't be the only one who has done that at some point in time, however I admit I have done it a LOT.

I remember a time when I was going into the 9th grade and I had to retake a math class in summer school. My family never had a car, so I had to walk where ever I needed to go. Good thing we lived in a small northern New York State village, which probably measured 5-6 miles from one end of town to the other.

On my way to class one early morning, it just began to get hot and steamy, yet the air smelled so fresh as if everyone had just mowed their lawns.. like freshly cut watermelon, which is a fave scent of mine. I walked past a house where the owners were packing up their boat in the driveway, going on vay cay to the lake.

There were 2 parents, and several kids. I felt such envy when I saw them, and I felt an ache in my soul longing to be part of that family who could afford to do such things, ya know, a complete family. I knew them, and they owned a camp up at Lake Meacham.. They went there nearly every weekend in the summers, along with many other families in town, it was the thing to do every summer in the north country.

How I longed to be in that family.. It made me cry because my family never went anywhere, no vay cays for us. Later towards the end of summer that year, one of their children had drowned in the lake. And I was so afraid it could have been one of my siblings.. And SO thankful it wasn't. But it made me realize I needed to appreciate what I had, even if it wasn't much, rather than envying what others had.

I've had crunches on all sorts of people over the years, such as Melissa Etheridge, Ellen, K.D. Lang, Amy from the Indigo girls, Miss McCumber~ my gay high school swim coach.. just to name a few.. Their lives seemed to be SO wonderful to me, I didn't really understand at the time what I was so drawn to in them, or WHY.

I used to wish I was one of their girlfriends.. But they all broke up several times since then, to be with who they are with today. It made me realize if I had been one of the women I had longed to be, I would have ended up heart broken. And that's no fun...

Their relationships looked so fantastic from where I stood, so much better than the life I was living. However no relationship is perfect, and I was longing for what I judged it to be by mere appearances. I've realized sometimes you only see what people want you to see, it's not always their reality or truth. Some times there are fa├žades that must be maintained, for whatever reasons.

I have also wished I had a lot of money, to travel, live the good life, and feel security about the future.. Wealthy people portray they have it made, no worries, no struggles. Until I see stories in the news how a rich couple on vay cay ends up killing the other, off. They looked so happy as if they had everything, but they must not of had much if one could murder the other. It made me grateful to be in my very own shoes with all of my personal struggles and burdens. I'd rather have the ones I have than take on anyone else's.

There's yet another side to this, as well. At different times in my life, I have felt SO drawn, SO attracted to some particular women that it was insane, I couldn't hardly take my mind off them. I wanted to get into their psyche, get intimate with them, feel them, taste them, have them. And for a brief moment it felt like I was madly in love with them, because I glossed everything about them, over..

Kind of like a camera lens can do to a "softened up" photo where the zits and scars and hairy moles are removed. And so they appeared to be perfect to me, I did not see any flaws and I wanted them SO badly I nearly couldn't stand it... Until some little tiny unimportant random thing happened that burst my bubble. My feelings ceased, just like that. In fact, I found it repulsive to have even felt that way about them in the first place.

For example, one time I saw an interview one of my crunches did, and I suddenly noticed she had some of that white stringy stuff in the corner of her mouth, so when she talked it kept transferring from one lip to the other and sometimes it would get to the middle of her lip then back to the edge again.. The commentator should have told her during a break, or something..

Needless to say it gagged me so much I became nauseated and had to change the channel. I am still bothered by her when ever I see her in a movie, I tend not to watch hers.

Another time I had a crunch on a teacher in college, she was a physical therapist who was J.U.S.T. so   H.O.T. I got sexually aroused every time I saw her. I created sexual fantasies in my head and got such pleasure from "imagining."

One day she came a little too close to me and I smelled B.O. on her along with some other kind of funky odor, which repulsed me to the point of killing off any desires I had for her, right then and there, in fact, I avoided her when ever possible after that.

I know this is making me sound like a judgmental bitch, but I'm not! I have always been such a passionate person when I feel emotion, be it sexual, anger, joy, love etc. etc. etc. I tend to go in like a lion, and come out like a dandelion that has exploded and is just carefree, floatin' on the wiiiiind.. No longer feeling anything towards that particular person.

I have also learned much from these crunches I have had in my lifetime. When I have analyzed them, turns out they were someone who reflected something to me, much like a mirror, showing me that I had not yet acknowledged a particular piece of myself. I came to believe I was like a puzzle, but was missing so many pieces that should have been given me by my parents, but they fell short.

Some sort of trait or gift or capability or confidence that had eluded me up until that point when I saw it in some one else and claimed it for myself. When I discovered what it was I was so drawn to and that I, too, was the same.. I acknowledged it. Which helped me to feel like I was FINALLY connecting to myself in ways that should have been mirrored by my parents at the appropriate time growing up.

I am a true believer that when we are born, we have every thing we need within ourselves, to live life successfully and be whole. And I do believe parents are supposed to teach us, reflect back to us, all those things we need to eventually become self sufficient members of society.

When I married David, I hardly had any skills for cooking, nor confidence to trust, nor ability to believe in myself and that I had the capability to do anything I set my mind to. I quit nursing school shortly after we married, when we lived in Alabama. It got hard and I quit because I felt like a loser who would never amount to anything. That was what was engrained in me from day one, and it is what I thought of myself.

I was full of shame just for being me and having needs, which never got met, and just fed my belief that I wasn't good enough to get them met. My self esteem didn't exist. It took my admiration for that particular trait or action or whatever it was I identified with in the other person.. for me to let go of the longing, because I was really only longing to connect with a part of myself.

I also think because of the sexual abuse I have survived from my youth, I tend to sexualize some relationships where I feel so strongly drawn to someone, that it would have to be safe enough for me to have sex with them If I HAD to, or I couldn't be in it. That's why I refer to them as my "crunches" because it's a crush at first but then turns into feeling like I've been punched and bursts my fantasy bubble.

I need to remember to be very thankful for everything I have, because it is exactly what I need. And maybe someone is looking in on my life, wishing they could be me... LMAO hokey, yeah right..



Clippy Mat said...

as always when i read your posts i'm in awe of your wonderful writing skills and how you can get right to the HEART of your own heart and soul.
you have an amazing gift. always a great and meaningful read.
hugs :D

jo.irish.rose said...

Wowser, this from my big sissy??? Did you eat peanut butter??? Cuz I get all meaty and stuff after I eat peanut buddah!!! Lol. Pretty good, I was reading your last blog last night and fell asleep while I was reading, I dreamt of LUCY!!!! lol. Silly....no more blog reading before bed!!! Je t'aime m'a toone de baboone!!!

Jim said...

Hi Chris, one thing I do know is that you are ONE TALENTED WRITER!!!!
And if you don't DO something about it other than writing to a few people here, THAT would be a shame in multitudinous proportion!!!
Yes, wouldn't it have been fantastic if our parents were perfect and gave us everything we ever needed to prepare ourselves for this world. Right!
We have often talked this whole concept over ourselves. I guess a major part of this adventure we call 'life' is figuring it out ourselves?!
Your writing gets me all excited Chris! And I AM SURE it would lots of others too!

C said...