"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

3/01/2012

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Hello diary, my ole friend.. You've allowed me to express every range of emotion there could ever be, and I appreciate it. Yes, others see what I write, but I'm doing this for ME, because you don't talk back, judge me, or think me a dirty whore.

I am making a conscience decision to block Diane, and Karen from my Facebook. Its very hard to actually do it, but I can't continue reading words that rip my heart apart. I've been hanging on because I felt desperate to know how Diane was doing, but all it does it hurt me more. I'm the one hurting me this time, and I need to stop. The truth of it all is she doesn't give a shit about me now, she has happily moved on while I am stuck in this fucking pain. No one is keeping me in it, but ME. I was afraid I'd never hear from her again, if I blocked her. But instead, I'm like a starving animal just waiting for a crumb to fall. How dare I do that to myself. She certainly isn't worth it, I'm pining after a person that has changed SO much, she has become unrecognizable. She's NOT the woman I fell in love with. I am putting signs up all over my apartment that say the truth, such as "she doesn't even want to be your friend." & "she is not the person you loved." & "she left you for another." & "remember how her words devastated you." & "she betrayed you." And phrases like that, only kinder because they are to me. Maybe it will help me take her off the fucking glorified pedestal I have had her on. She doesn't deserve it. And I deserve so much more. I can't change a thing about the past 12 years with her, whether it was real or a fa├žade.. What I CAN change is how much power I still give it, how much power I still give her, over me. Even in her silence, she has had power over me. I let her. I gave it to her on a fucking silver platter. We were supposed to part with love, as friends. FUCK THAT. She hasn't shown one tiny spec of effort to keep her word on that, and like a fucking fool, I have been waiting with bated breath for her to do so.. Constantly disappointed every fucking day that goes by and I don't even get a hello. She doesn't ask my kids how I am, EVER. Or any of our mutual friends. It hurts to hear how much she misses them, and not even a mere mention of me, except to say what a relief it is for her to be back home, HOME... How much she has missed Karen, and that she should have done this years ago. Who, besides foolish me, would put up with that kind of bullshit.. So much pain has infused me now, that I can hardly remember the early years when she was beautiful and we were happy. One day I hope I can feel thankful for having had that, even for just a little while. For now, all I feel is anger over being used and betrayed. All I know is that I will never settle for anything less than the best I had, once, before she changed. I had my part in this as well, I've never meant to imply it was all on her. I take full blame for the mistakes I made and some things I said in anger. Somebody asked me which would be worse..  by HER just being gone one day when I got home, or by telling me she was leaving like she did.. FUCK I would have preferred she tell me the fucking truth at the fucking time her feelings changed.. What, 6 years ago? SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO! The only thing I would of had to deal with then, was our breakup. The lies and betrayals would not have played a part in the pain to push it over the edge. It would have been more merciful than what she ended up doing. I HAVE to let all of this hurt, go. For my own health and sanity.. So I can heal my broken heart and find the peace I seek, to live in. I deserve it. I DESERVE IT. And if I am truly honest with myself, so does she. I can't fathom staying with a person I didn't love any more... even if it's me. I have to give her that. Each of us deserves happiness and peace, no matter what we've done. God, please help me heal from this. Please give me what I need to do so. Amen.

C

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3 comments:

Clippy Mat said...

Right on! You are so true to yourself. You deserve to be happy as you say and you will be again.
:D

ChiTown Girl said...

I'm glad you're staying honest with yourself and staying in the moment as much as you can. I, of all people, know what it's like to want to focus on every moment of the past, analyzing every conversation, every comment, trying to separate the truth from the lies. It will make you crazy, and it's just not worth your time or energy. Keep putting up those signs for yourself, and READ them several times a day. Remind yourself that you deserve true happiness, and you WILL find it.
xoxoxo

kristi said...

Heartbreak sucks.

I have written about my nephew in my blog. He actually got a visit from his mom (my oldest sister) in prison. As he is about to get out and she hasn't tried to see him in years. She doesn't write or support him, my Mom and I do! I had to tell him to remember all the painful stuff she did to him (beat him, turned him in as a runaway when she kicked him out...etc). Sometimes you have to remember those things someone does to you in order to not "go there" anymore. You will be okay but it will take a long time.