...mE tAil iS beTwixEd mE leGs...

I just re-read my last post and I feel like I am making Diane look like a very bad person in our break-up, and that it was all her fault for it. I didn't intend to give that impression of her because it's not true and I want to clarify that I certainly played my part in our problems. I have been so emotional about our break-up that I have let my anger and pain taint her very essence, and for that I'm very sorry. It is so hard to separate truths when I am hurting so deeply.

I also realize that I have eluded that she was being unfaithful to me by becoming closer to her ex girlfriend whom she is staying with right now, in England. They both swear she didn't go back to be with her ex, and in all fairness and respect for Diane, I have to say that although my instincts were telling me something was going on between them, I can not prove any of my suspicions, because all I have are my gut feelings and instincts. And I feel like I have been made to invalidate them because they don't match the words coming out of my baby's mouth. WTF to do in that situation... because I really don't know. Apparently I have  major trust issues even with my own self.

There were what I consider to be sneaky behaviors while I was at work, endless, hours long phone calls and internet chats as soon as I walked out the door... until I got home.. There was the planning of her leaving me and going back to England, without my knowledge. [point gun at my heart...] And the kicker was Diane told her ex she was leaving me, before she even told me. [pull the fucking trigger..]. It felt like a betrayal to me.

Diane has told me several times that she has done nothing wrong, that the only reason she was going back to England is because she had no future here with her being illegal and unable to work, that if something happened to me, she would have nothing.

The fact that our relationship doesn't count legally in this country has destroyed her identity and self worth. I truly feel her pain about those things, as I agree and understand what that could do to some one.. However it was not in our control...

I try SO hard to focus on those being the reasons she needed to go back where she would have a future and be able to provide for herself. NO ONE should have to live in fear of being caught and deported, or lose sight of their purpose and who they are... For any reason, let alone a fucking governmental one.

And it took it's toll on her, on us. We were so naïve to think for even a moment that the laws would change to provide every human being in this country, equal rights in the eyes of the law.

Yet at the same time I cant ignore my gut instincts. I truly don't know what to believe anymore, I feel so confused about it. and maybe it doesn't even matter at this point because whether or not there is something going on between them, there is nothing I can do about it, she is gOne, and I have no idea what she is doing on the other side of the world. All I can do is speculate, wish I am wrong, and wish I could believe her... I want to so badly... but there have been too many lies for me to trust what she tells me to be truth.

Whether they are together or not doesn't change any of my feelings of loss, betrayal, or grief... Because in MY opinion suspecting it hurts just as much as if it were true, specially when none of the behaviors that made me suspect in the first place, changed. They in fact only increased to the point where I dreaded coming home because I knew what I would find.

She recently told me she isn't in love with me anymore. That she hasn't been for a couple of years now. As I look back on those years, I question what was sincere, what was real, and fake just to bide her time... If only I had known... I could of put up a hearty fight to try to get her to love me again. It's worse for me that I didn't get that chance.

I  DIDN'T  EVEN  GET  THAT  CHANCE.

She kept her feelings to herself to "spare mine" but she shared them with Her.. all it did was make it all worse.

As far as I know, she is hurting too. She has shut herself down emotionally, keeping everything inside. I want desperately to be there for her, but I cant. There is still too much pain between us. I don't even know as I write this if we will ever be capable of being friends, just friends... It would mean a lot to me if we could, but I really don't know if we can. I don't know if I can restrain myself from always wanting more... not getting it, and then being hurt all over again. I value her opinions and advice,  her friendship, and the deep connection we had that felt to me like we were soul mates. I MUST find a way to let go. I have moments of strength but they are fleeting.

...I have been in contact with her last night to see how she is doing.. she could only give very short, harsh answers.. and informed me I am pressuring her to talk and she cant. [insert machete and dig, dig, dig]. I just wanted to know how she was coping, and let her still feel my love and concern. I tried to be encouraging, as she said the job market sucks there... but now I am going to step back and focus on me and what I need to do for myself. it's ALL I can do.

I don't know what life holds for either one of us next, but I HAVE to believe it has to get better than this... As I write this, I don't have any hope of being able to salvage a friendship out of this... And it hurts... I miss her sO much, I physically ache.

C