"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/04/2012

..."You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home
And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time, you'll be fine
You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think id leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh when you're low
I'll be there by your side baby
Oh when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh when you're low
I'll be there by your side baby..."

by Sade.

...we slowed danced to our song on the deck by the pool many a night... singing this softly to each other, with the moon watching us and smiling.. embracing us in it's light.. we were center stage as the rest of the world faded into the peripheral... and nothing else mattered.. we were one... we were as close as two can be....

we WERE.

and now?

now?

now?

..all I can say is there is silence on her part. she feels relief now, after having left me. relief.

relief.

relief.

fucking relief, as if I were the ugly thorn in her side that she needed to pluck out...

where is the woman I knew her to be.. the one special person that made everything in my life make sense, even when it obviously didn't...

I miss my friend.

my best friend.

I miss the woman I love and always will. I know I have no idea what she is feeling, going through, or thinking about..

so much silence. leaving me with the power to only speculate

speculate

speculate...

I deserve more than that. I deserve more than being left with my fucking demons who instill the worst thoughts and fears and pain into my very being until I feel like I cant take another breath.

to suffocate without dying, to live without being alive, to exist insignificantly... while everyone sees my weakness, my nakedness, my vulnerability... is cruel.

CRUEL.

she is NOT doing these things to me, she is doing what SHE needs to do to move on.. as I should be, yet I cant seem to. I am simply reacting to her lack of including me in her life, its SO hard to accept that it's over, over, OVER.

"You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that"

"When you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home..."

C


3 comments:

otin said...

Whoever said it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all is a moron :(

Time will make your wound bearable, but it will never heal completely. Emotions can wreck us if we allow them to do so. At least you have a way to vent your hurt and anger.

Jim said...

You will move on in time Chris. Don't push it all away. Let it come as you feel it. And let it go when you're ready.

Clippy Mat said...

Your honesty is so deep.
I am sure it will lead you out of this dark place before long,
:-))