"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.



... When I was in therapy many years ago, I had such painful scars, issues, and abuses to heal from, in order to remain here in this world. It took 9 years in and out of therapy, the 12-step program, and a lot of meditation into myself to get through, but I did it. Which proves to me I AM stronger than I give myself credit for, I think we all are.

Part of the healing therapy was to find the part of me most traumatized, because that part of me got frozen in the trauma, and never moved on. My 4 year old self was so wounded, that she tried to control all aspects of my life. And really, how is it possible for a 4 year old to make adult decisions?

The therapist I worked with taught inner child therapy, where I got in touch with my wounded young self, who was stagnated in the trauma... And took her out of it, all mentally of course, and created a safe haven for her to reside in. The 4 year old me lives in a magic castle on a cloud, has a yard, baby puppies, kittens, and bunnies who never need to eat or poop, their only purpose is to play with her and bring her joy... and they never grow up. I add things as needed to keep her in the castle, reminding her she is not responsible for any adult issues that come up. I've had to put a colorful fence up around the yard part, because my life right now is changing, and she has been trying to control everything. It is so emotionally powerful for me to be able to talk to her, pick her up, hug and kiss her as one would their little child, and place her back in the safety of the castle.

Today, she got a new buddy to hang out with... our precious Bella who will keep her company until I join them one day.

Diane and I took Bella to a field so she could run her little heart out, which she did.. then she got to eat a whole order of McDonald's fries, which she loves. She was SO happy and content. She left this world in mine and Diane's arms, with us kissing her and whispering loving words to her as she went to sleep. It was so very peaceful and we find comfort that she had all the love a pet could possibly have in a lifetime, with us. She was our everything...

St. Marys-20120115-00032

If anyone reading this finds what I have revealed about my therapy, To be lunacy... then you must have never been in so much emotional pain that it manifested itself physically.

I have.

I have curled up into a ball in so much pain in the center of my being, that it made me weak and crippled me, and it's not that I wanted to die nesseccarily, I just wanted the pain to stop so I could function. I liken the meditation techniques I learned with my shrink, to be more powerful than the catholic spirituality I was taught growing up. Because actually, it didn't do a thing for me. All I learned was that no matter what I EVER did, I would never be good enough to be with God, that as good as a person could be, I would still have to burn in a fire in purgatory. How fucking hopeless does that sound to a little kid? The God I had to reconnect with in order to develop a spirituality in therapy, is an all loving, understanding, and forgiving God... much like a kind, loving parent would/should be.

Fuck knows I never experienced that with my parents.

This is what is getting me through right now. I am losing the love of my life, my whole world is falling apart, along with all the dreams and plans I had for us down the road... And I don't know where to put myself. It is totally out of our hands and to not have control over my future, my love life, scares the shit out of me. It's not fair, it is unjust, and I want to scream my pain and the helplessness I feel from the top of a tall building until someone hears me who can change it. I would exhaust myself to my very last breath, if it would change things for gay couples.. I swear that I would..

This is SUPPOSED to be the land of the free. Apparently that law only applies to heterosexuals. Fuck the rest of us who fall in love and build a life... For people like myself, happiness comes with a price so high, even a trillionaire couldn't afford it....



Jim said...

Chris, I am so sorry you are going through what you are right now! But as you know 'feeling sorry' won't get anybody anywhere!
What can you do? What can Diane do?
First off, keep that 4 year old at bay and in it's playground. Don't let it out. Visit when you have to but don't stay too long.
You have a great job now. You didn't have this last year. Your life has improved in that respect.

As far as changing the laws of your land, that is the battle lots of people are fighting right now.

Can you get yourself 'noticed' somehow in the media? Similar situation happening with other blogger 'friends' in PA. They were on CNN and in the papers.I will forward their blog to you. Word HAS to get out all over the place so that voters will hear your stories.

It may happen and by the sounds of things that Diane will go back to England. But does that have to end the relationship? You love each other and that won't die. Yes it WILL be hard but you are both strong and will survive how ever long it takes for the US to 'smell the coffee' regarding gay rights.

There is nothing you can do as far as the law stands right now. BUT there is a lot you can do to get it changed.

I am being blunt here Chris and please do not be offended. You are an incredible person with determination and drive. Use that to get your country to wake up.

Your sense of humor is another strength you can use. You are a good writer and can get your point across. DO NOT GIVE UP!


Jim said...

Here is Mark's blog:

You will have to copy and paste.

Jim said...

DUH! I just noticed that he follows you!!

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, Jim is right on the money, huh?

That doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking for you, though. I'm so sorry Bella has moved on. I know you're going to miss her so much.

sophie...^5 said...

SO LISTEN to my Jim and see what you can offer to the straight world besides that hilarious humour DNA you were blessed with! Gees, I can't picture the Big Pond between you and Diane...just not effing fair. Keep us posted , pls!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I'm so sorry you lost Bella! That is just a terrible blow during an already difficult time. I am so glad she died in your arms along with Diane. At the very least you had that. sigh.

Busy Bee Suz said...

LOVE and prayers to all of you Chris.
Bella is an angel.

Technodoll said...

Chris, what was wrong with Bella - why did you have to put her down? Was she ill? I cannot imagine having to live through as many losses as you both are going through right now... oh geez... (( giant hugs ))

Clippy Mat said...

So sorry for you and Di and all this stuff you're going thru. It just doesn't seem fair. Stay strong and hopefully something good will happen. As Jim (up there) said, you have been down before, no job etc. and bad health probs but your amazing determination with that fantastic gift for writing and humour has seen you thru. You have lots of people rooting for you.
Big hugs